Wishing
by SVUlover14
Summary: Olivia and Alex are kidnapped. Can they save themselves before it's too late? Previously established AO. THE FINAL CHAPTER IS UP! R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.**

**In this story, A/O is previously established. Warning for M-rated themes. Read at your own risk. Enjoy!**

Alex and Olivia held hands as they walked out of the restaurant. "I had a good time," said Alex happily.

Olivia smiled and kissed Alex's cheek. "Me too, baby."

Olivia raised her hand to hail a cab when Alex felt a pair of arms wrapping around her. She screamed and Olivia spun around.

"Alex?"

And then another pair of arms wrapped around her, too. Olivia began to struggle, but the men were too strong. Alex screamed again, and the world went black.

* * *

When Alex came to, she panicked when she realized she couldn't see a thing. Frantically, she tried to reach her hands up to see what was wrong with her eyes, but she found them duct taped together and bit back a scream when she realized she was blindfolded. She couldn't feel her wrists or her ankles, but other than that, she was okay physically.

"Alex?"

Alex jumped and tried to place the voice. "O-Olivia?"

"Yeah, honey, it's me. Are you okay?"

"Fine," replied Alex shakily. "What are you doing here? What happened?"

Olivia's voice was laced with concern. "You don't remember?"

"N-no." Alex started to panic again. "Where am I? Why are you –?"

"Calm down, Alex," said Olivia soothingly. "Calm down. We were at the restaurant, remember? And there were two men and they put us in their truck. They hit you pretty hard, Alex. You passed out. They abducted us."

Alex began to cry. "They kidnapped us?"

"We're going to be okay, honey," Olivia assured her. "We will be. I'm here. I'll take care of you, Alex. I'll protect you. They're not going to hurt you."

Alex let out a strangled cry. "Liv – Liv, I – I can't feel my wrists! Or my ankles!" She swallowed another sob. "Liv, I'm scared."

Her wounded cries were tearing Olivia's heart out. She wanted to take Alex into her arms and hold her close, but she couldn't, her own wrists and ankles being bound. "Honey," she said as calmly as she could. "Honey, I need you to calm down. It's going to be okay, but I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath, Alex. Count to three." When Alex complied, she continued, "What are we going to do on Saturday, Alex? Your parents are coming over. Do you want to go out for dinner or do you want to clean up the house and make something for them?"

Alex let out a shaky breath. "I – I can't," she managed through her tears.

"Focus, sweetie," encouraged Olivia. "What are we going to do for them? Are we going to make a pasta dish?"

Alex tried to think about what Olivia was asking her, but she couldn't keep her mind from drifting back to the terror that continued to fill her. "Um, we're going to go out," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. "There's this Italian place they like near the house."

"Good girl. What's it called, honey?"

Alex let out a sob. "I don't know!"

"Think, sweetie, think. What's it called?"

Alex squeezed her eyes shut and tried to remember. Finally, she came up with the answer. "Oregano."

"Good. Now what do they have to eat?" prodded Olivia.

Alex felt herself starting to calm down. "Pasta. They have really good pizza, too, but I always get fettuccine alfredo."

Suddenly, they felt the van stop and metal doors being flung open. Alex began to tremble, and Olivia must have somehow felt it because she said, a bit more urgently, "What do they have for dessert, honey?"

"I – I don't know," answered Alex, unable to keep the tremor from her voice.

"Yes, you do, baby. Come on, think. What do they have for dessert?"

Alex forced herself to focus on Olivia's question. "Um, cake. Chocolate cake. Chocolate lava cake."

"Is it good?"

"Y-yes," stammered Alex, starting to shake again as she heard footsteps approaching.

She stilled as she felt a man kneeling in front of her and ripping the duct tape off her ankles. She felt herself being yanked to her feet and a harsh voice ordered, "Get up and follow us. You scream and you're dead." She felt something cold and metallic pressed to her head and her trembling increased when she realized it was a gun.

The man kept a hand on the small of her back, leading her out of the van and into some kind of building. It smelled musky and it was cold, like a basement. She didn't dare to ask, but she could hear footsteps behind her, and she assumed they were Olivia's. But neither woman said a word.

The footsteps suddenly seemed further away, and Alex started to panic. "Olivia?" she asked uncertainly.

She was rewarded with a sharp slap to her right cheek. "Shut up," the man growled, pulling her faster.

Alex felt herself being led away from Olivia and she began to cry silent, hopeless tears. She was helpless to their whims and there was nothing she could do about it.

She felt a push and hit a cold stone wall, sinking to the ground from the impact. She felt the duct tape ripped from her hands and handcuffs fastened around her wrists and pulled above her head, attached to something on the ceiling. Her arms strained with the effort of being bound, and she bit her lip to keep from crying out.

Then rough hands started to tear at her pants and she tried to struggle, but it was futile, and it just earned her another slap as her legs were forced further apart. "Shut up," growled the man, pulling off her pants and throwing them away.

She heard the door open and footsteps enter the room. "Can I join the party?" asked a man in a silky smooth voice.

"Sure," said the first man. "We can have a lot of fun with this one." She felt fingers dancing up her thighs and instinctively clenched her legs together, but rough hands forced them apart and the first man snickered. "Beautiful." He removed Alex's panties, too.

She tried to kick him, but he seemed to have gotten fed up with her struggling and she felt two different hands on each ankle, binding them and chaining them so her legs were spread eagle. She felt one of her ankles twist and swallowed her yelp of pain, fearing it was broken.

A hand snaked between Alex's legs and she shrieked, trying to press her legs together but unable to do so. She was rewarded with a swift, powerful smack to the back of her head, and for a moment she saw stars. "Please," Alex whispered, finally finding her voice. "Please don't."

There was another chuckle and then the hand returned, forcing her thighs apart and slipping between her legs, stretching her entrance. Alex was terrified and she was dry, and it hurt so much. She whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut, half glad for the blindfold and half wishing she could be more aware of her surroundings. She felt so powerless in this position, with the hand of a man she couldn't see playing inside her. There was pain, yes, lots of it, but she was more humiliated than she'd ever been in her life.

She heard a belt being removed and pants being unzipped and she winced, from the pain at having her arms bound and her legs spread, from the humiliation of being at these strangers' mercy, from the absolute terror coursing through her veins.

She felt her shirt being lifted over her head and her bra being removed, then rough hands cupping her breasts. Alex squirmed, trying to move away, but she couldn't, being bound as she was.

She heard the snapping of a belt and cried out when she felt a lash land on her back, a fire igniting where the belt had just hit. The blows continued to rain down on her back and legs, but still, neither man said a word. Alex began to cry out of pure desperation and fear.

And suddenly, the lashes stopped. She felt a hand snake between her legs again and screamed, which earned her another slap, and one of the men forced her thighs apart again before sliding his hard shaft between her folds.

Alex cried as she felt him inside her. She stayed as still as she could, praying for it to be over soon, but it hurt so much as he thrust inside her. "No, no, no," she whimpered, but to no avail.

"Shut up," snapped a rough voice, and she fell silent, biting down on her lower lip as he released his fluids inside her. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to calm down.

And as she felt the second man enter her, she tensed, but tried to take herself to a better place. She thought of Olivia, the beauty of Olivia's lopsided smiles, the warmth of Olivia's arms wrapped around her at night, the tenderness of Olivia's soft kisses.

Alex's voice caught in her throat. She couldn't scream, although she knew it would do her no good even if she could. She just wept, and when they were finished and left the room, slamming the door and leaving her alone, she continued to sob, unable to move. She was in so much pain, inside and out, and all she wanted was Olivia.

**Review for chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

After an indeterminate period of time, Alex heard the door open and another body being shoved into the room and strung up close to hers. "Mm," growled one of the men who'd raped her earlier. "Your girlfriend was _so _good."

Alex's breath hitched when she realized who it was, and she waited until the door had slammed shut and she knew the men were gone before whimpering, "Olivia?" Uncertainty laced her tone as she tried to hold back her tears.

"I'm right here, babe," whispered Olivia. "Are you okay?"

"No," murmured Alex, closing her eyes against the onslaught of sensations, the pain coursing through her arms from being clasped above her head for so long, the tenderness of her ankle that she feared might be broken, the throbbing in her head, and worst of all, the incessant ache between her legs.

"Where does it hurt, honey?" asked Olivia gently.

Alex swallowed a sob. "My head – and my arms – and – and my ankle." She couldn't say the last part.

Then Olivia's soft, soothing voice came again. "Remember last Christmas, Alex? When we curled up in front of the fire and read _A Christmas Carol _and drank white hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows and candy canes? Remember how we cuddled?"

Alex nodded shakily. "And you – and you held me." She began to cry, wishing she could wipe away her tears, but her arms were bound above her head and she couldn't. "And you told me you loved me more than anything and we watched _Elf _because it's your favorite and you gave me my locket and I gave you a necklace and we turned off all the lights and lit a couple candles and it was the most amazing day I ever had."

"We're going to have another Christmas just like it," Olivia promised. "We're going to have a million more."

"Liv, I – I'm scared," confessed Alex.

"Me too, honey," admitted Olivia. "But you've got to stay strong. You are strong, Alex. You can do this for me." She hesitated. "Did they hurt you?"

Alex burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "I want to go home!" She didn't care how childish she sounded right now. She was terrified, and all she wanted was to feel Olivia's arms around her, holding her close and keeping her safe. But she knew she couldn't have that.

"What did they do to you, honey?" questioned Olivia. As Alex continued to cry, she prodded, "Talk to me, sweetie. It's okay. Tell me what they did."

"They – they – they raped me," whimpered Alex. Olivia was silent for a moment, and Alex's fear increased exponentially. "I'm sorry!" she cried. "I didn't want to, I swear! I tried to fight, but they – they were too strong! I'm – I'm sorry!"

"It's okay, honey," said Olivia softly. "That's not it. It's not your fault. You know that, right?"

Alex nodded even though she knew Olivia couldn't see her. "Did they hurt you?" she whimpered, then realized that she probably didn't want the answer.

Olivia sighed. "I'm okay."

Alex didn't quite believe her – she knew Olivia would say she was okay, no matter what, just to make Alex feel better – but she nodded anyway and took a deep breath. Then she began to tremble. "They're – they're going to be b-back!" she choked out.

"Don't think about that," soothed Olivia. "Alex. Alex, take a deep breath. Good girl. Just breathe."

Alex exhaled a shaky breath and tried to focus on breathing. She felt her trembling body start to still. Beads of sweat accumulated on her forehead and she tried to wipe it away with her elbow, but she only succeeded in putting more strain on her arms and whimpered from the pain, more tears rushing to her eyes. She tried to cry silently so Olivia wouldn't hear, but she couldn't quite manage it.

Listening to Alex's wounded sobs was breaking Olivia's heart, and she tried to comfort her girlfriend as best she could, distracting her with mundane parts of their life. "Hey, hey. We're going to Elliot's on Sunday for dinner. We're going to have a barbecue. Do you still want those stupid fat-free hot dogs?"

Alex let out a sound that was halfway between a chuckle and a sob. "Yes," she managed.

"I'll have to call Elliot and remind him. I'm sure he's forgotten by now – men aren't very good about these things, are they?"

She was trying to make Alex laugh, and Alex forced herself to smile, although she knew Olivia couldn't see.

"Dickie's got this new card game – Yu-Gi-Oh, I think. He's probably going to want to show us how to play. You think you'll be up for it?"

"Maybe," choked out Alex.

"Maureen's cramming for the SATs – she wants to go to NYU – and Lizzie's turned into a real bookworm."

Alex immediately stilled when she heard footsteps approaching. She let another sob escape when she realized the men were coming for her.

"Shh, honey," soothed Olivia. "It's okay. Tell me – tell me about that new book you bought a couple days ago. What is it – _Handle With Care_?"

Alex let out a shaky breath. "It's about a girl named Willow who has osteogenesis imperfecta. It's a disease that causes bones to break really easily and it's told by different perspectives –" She faltered when the door opened and she heard the footsteps get closer.

"Go on," encouraged Olivia. "Whose perspectives is it told from?"

Alex began to cry again. "I don't know!"

"Yeah, you do, honey. You do know. Tell me."

And then Alex felt the presence of a man just a few feet away, and another right beside her. "Shut up," one of them growled, backhanding Alex, making her cry out in pain.

"Don't touch her!" exclaimed Olivia, struggling against her bonds.

One of the men snickered. "I think that one wants to watch. Do you agree?"

The other man chuckled. "Let's get the other one down from there. We can have some fun."

Alex screamed as she felt her wrists being released from the ceiling. She was lifted out of her restraints and laid down on the ground. She tried to struggle, but then men were too strong. One of them yanked off her blindfold and she got her first real look at their captors. One was tall and lanky, with well-defined muscles, a mess of curly black hair, and the coldest eyes she'd ever seen. The other man was short and stocky, with bright blue eyes and pimples all over his face.

"You're going to keep your mouth shut," the tall one hissed in her ear. "And you're not going to move or you'll be feeling something much, much worse."

Alex was too terrified to speak. She just nodded.

The other man went up to Olivia and pulled off her blindfold too. "We're going to put on a show for you," he said lightly. "And you're not going to say a word, or I promise you it will get worse for her. Understood?"

Olivia spat at him. "Don't you touch her!"

The first man smacked Alex across the face, then hit her once more, eliciting a yelp of pain from the blonde.

"If you fight us, she _will _get hurt," he told Olivia.

"I'm okay, Liv," whispered Alex through her tears.

The shorter man aimed a kick at her ribs and Alex groaned in pain, but bit her lip so as not to cry out. She didn't want Olivia to see how much she was hurting, because she knew that every smack that rained down on her frail body hurt Olivia twice as much.

She went limp as two pairs of hands ran over her naked body. There was a bruise starting to form from where she'd been kicked as one of the men forced her legs open and thrust his hand between her legs.

Alex couldn't suppress her scream. She was so sensitive from the previous rape and it hurt so much.

"Stop!" cried Olivia. "Don't hurt her! You can do what you like to me, just don't hurt her!"

That earned Alex a punch in her already bruised stomach, and for a second she couldn't breathe. Then the first man wrapped his hands around her throat and her eyes went wide when she realized he was choking her. Gasping for air, Alex managed, "Please. Can't – breathe." She tried to pry his hands from her throat, but the other man grabbed her wrists, holding them away from her. Alex tried to scream, but she couldn't, and there was no one to hear her anyway.

"Let go of her!" shrieked Olivia, but if anything, the taller man tightened his grip on Alex's throat.

She began to panic even more as the realization hit her. She was going to die here, in front of Olivia, as they choked her to death. She didn't want to die. She didn't want to leave Olivia. But when she died, there would be no more pain. The thought relaxed her for a moment, and she stopped struggling.

Immediately, the hands were removed, and the first man chuckled. "You think we were going to let you off that easy?"

Alex gulped, taking in the air she'd been denied just seconds before. But the men allowed her no reprieve. The hand returned between her legs, playing around her folds before thrusting inside once again, and this time she didn't scream. She whimpered, but she refused to cry out.

She squeezed her eyes shut and when she heard Olivia's sharp intake of breath, she assured her, "I'm okay. I'm okay, Liv."

As the taller man pulled down his pants, she forced herself to think of something comforting. She thought of last Christmas with Olivia and of her birthday, when Olivia had taken her out to her favorite Italian restaurant and then to the Rockefeller Center to go ice skating. She thought of the way they snuggled close at night, holding each other close as they slept.

The taller man pressed himself against Alex's cheek. "Suck it," he ordered.

Alex gagged as she took him into her mouth, her eyes wide with fear, her body trembling in terror. But she knew she had to do this, or they would hurt her and Olivia even more.

After what seemed to Alex like an eternity, he pushed her head back. "That's enough."

Tears streaked down Alex's cheeks at this reprieve, but it didn't last long. He pushed into her and she bit back her scream, squeezing her eyes shut as he thrust inside her.

He finished and then stepped back, only to let the second man have his turn with her, pushing, thrusting, stretching her as far as she could go. She was so sensitive and in so much pain, and she cried and cried as he emptied himself inside her. She glanced up at Olivia and wasn't surprised to find tears running down her cheeks, too. _I love you_, mouthed Olivia.

_I love you, too_, Alex mouthed back as the second man finally pulled away.

But it wasn't over. "Get up," ordered the first man, and Alex stumbled to her feet, wincing at the pain in her ankle, her stomach, between her legs. She didn't think she'd be able to stay upright.

He grabbed her arm and started to yank her out of the room. Terrified, Alex pulled back. "Where are we going?"

Her words earned her another slap and the other man grabbed her too, both of them dragging her down a long, dark hallway, away from Olivia.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

One of the men unlocked a nondescript door and shoved Alex inside, then stepped out and locked it again. She lay on the cold, dark floor, her broken body throbbing from the assault. She curled up in a ball and cried.

"Shut up," came a voice from the other end of the room and Alex jumped. It wasn't a man's voice, but a woman's. And as she looked around, she noticed that she wasn't alone here.

There were twelve or thirteen others pressed up against the far wall. Mostly they were women around her age or a bit younger, but some were no more than children. There was one little girl who couldn't have been older than seven or eight, and another who looked to be about twelve. All were bruised as Alex was, and all were naked. The youngest girl had a bruise on her left cheek and her face was white as a ghost. She was shaking.

If Alex had been Olivia, she would have gone to the terrified girl and tried to comfort her, assuring her that it would be okay, distracting her from her pain. But Alex couldn't. She was in too much pain herself, and the finger shaped bruises on the little girl's thighs made her feel sick to her stomach.

Alex moved as far away from the other women as she could and pulled her knees to her chest, sobbing more quietly now, but she couldn't suppress them fully. "Olivia," she murmured, rocking back and forth. She needed the detective so badly now. She wanted Olivia to take her into her arms and soothe her fears away, but Olivia wasn't there. So she cried.

The sharp voice came again. "Shut up!"

Alex swallowed a sob. "It hurts," she murmured, more to herself than anything.

"Yeah, well, we're all hurting," snapped the woman. "So shut up and deal with it."

Alex whimpered and flinched at the woman's words, then asked, "What is this place?"

"Training camp."

Alex stared at her. "What do you mean?"

The woman shrugged. "That's what _they _call it."

"What's your name?" asked Alex.

"Dana," she replied. "You?"

"Alex." She hesitated. "How long have you been here?"

Dana shrugged. "One month, maybe two. But if it's any consolation, they don't leave us here for long. If you're a quick learner, you'll only be around for a week, tops. I've seen it."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Stop asking so many questions."

Alex bit her lip. "My girlfriend – she's still in the other room. Where I was before. What's going to happen to her?"

"Forget about her," Dana told her. "It's everyone for herself here, or you'll never make it."

Alex felt her blood run cold. "What do you mean?"

"If you don't behave, you won't survive. They gave us a 'demonstration' yesterday. They shot a woman right in front of all of us. And that's what happens when you don't do as they ask. If you're here, you've passed the first test. And if she isn't, that means you're probably not going to see her again."

Alex began to tremble. "It's my fault," she whispered. "She was trying to protect me."

Dana snorted. "You better get over yourself real quick, kid, or you won't make it."

Alex pointed to the little girl who was curled up in the corner, shaking in fear. "What about her?"

Dana shrugged. "She came here with her mom. Her mom was the one who got shot yesterday."

Alex's heart broke for the poor little girl.

Dana noticed. "Everyone for herself," she repeated. "You don't get close around here. The kids never last."

Alex glared at Dana and slid over to the little girl, who was crying silently. She rested her hands on the child's shoulders. She flinched and looked up at Alex.

Trying to keep her voice strong, she thought of what Olivia would do and tried to do the same. "Honey, my name's Alex. What's your name?"

"Sarah," the girl said, so quietly that Alex had to strain to hear.

Alex tried to smile. "That's a pretty name."

Sarah's frightened eyes met Alex's. "Did you just get here?"

Alex nodded. "How old are you, Sarah?"

"Seven and a half," Sarah replied.

Alex gently rubbed the little girl's back. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

She nodded. "A brother. He's four."

"What's his name?"

"Jayden."

Alex smiled. "Tell me about him."

And they sat like that in the cold, damp room, Sarah telling Alex about her brother, her best friend, a book that she'd read a few months ago, her teacher at school, and everything else Alex could think to ask about.

After an indeterminate period of time, the door swung open and Alex held her breath, thinking that maybe it was Olivia. But it wasn't. The taller man that Alex had seen before entered the room and strode over to her. He yanked Alex to her feet by her hair. "Up," he commanded.

Alex stumbled to her feet. She'd learned better than to ask where they were going. She didn't want another smack. Her body already ached from the beating she'd received, and the rape.

He dragged her into a washroom with a grimy shower. "Wash," he ordered, turning on the shower.

Alex hesitated. She'd never showered in such a dirty place before.

The man smacked her again. "Get in."

Alex shivered as she stepped beneath the cold spray. The icy water cascaded down her back and she trembled as she washed herself as instructed.

Finally, he turned off the water and yanked her out. "That's enough."

Her teeth chattered from the cold, but Alex managed to ask, "Where's Olivia?"

The man laughed, a cold, humorless laugh. "Who?"

"My – my girlfriend."

"Oh, _that _Olivia. She didn't behave. She's dead."

Alex felt her world start to spin. "W-what?"

"She wasn't nearly as good as you were, and we don't have a place for fighters in this place. You won't be seeing her again."

Alex began to cry. "You're lying!"

She was rewarded with a quick, powerful slap. "You wish I was, but I'm not. Now come with me unless you want to join her."

Alex managed to stagger up the stairs, following silently as she knew was expected of her.

He led her to what appeared to be a bedroom and shoved her down on the bed, spreading her legs wide and cuffing them to the bedposts. Alex silently cried as he cuffed her wrists as well, and then she felt a helmet being fitted over her head. She couldn't see or hear a thing, and it occurred to her that this was a sensory deprivation helmet. She knew better than to struggle and waited for whatever the man had in store for her, her body tensing in trepidation.

She could hear Olivia's voice in her head, soothing her. "Shh, baby. It's okay. It's okay. I love you and I'm here." And in that moment Olivia was there with her, and that helped Alex to calm down. She was still afraid, but she could take it now.

"I love you, too, Liv," she whispered, forcing her muscles to relax.

After what seemed like an eternity to Alex, she felt something strike her bare back. She bit her lip so as not to cry out, filing through the contents of her mind and trying to discern what it was. As the second lash came down, she realized that it was a riding crop.

She winced as the blows continued to rain down on her back and she felt welts begin to form, blood trickling down her back and onto her legs. Finally, Alex screamed in pain, and soon she was sobbing uncontrollably with each lash.

Suddenly, the blows stopped. She couldn't see or hear anything, so she wasn't sure if the man was still in the room or not. She wept, silently, and stayed as still as she could, trying to think of what Olivia would say to her now. "You're okay, baby. You did so well. You're so brave, Alex. I love you so much. Don't worry about me, baby. Protect yourself. Stay strong and you'll make it. You can do this."

Alex calmed herself down, her tears subsiding as she thought of Olivia. Olivia always made her feel better when she was at her most vulnerable.

Then she gasped as she felt something being inserted to her from behind. She forced herself to relax, because it would hurt even more if she did, but the cold metal that was being pushed into her was more painful than anything else that had been done to her at this point. He was rough, thrusting in and out of her almost carelessly. She closed her eyes behind the helmet as tears streaked down her cheeks, trying to conjure Olivia in her head once again. "Hey, hey, don't think about that," Olivia would say. "Think about me, Alex. What should I wear when we go out for dinner on Saturday?"

"I don't know," whispered Alex aloud, although she knew Olivia wasn't there and couldn't hear her.

"Yeah, you do, honey," Olivia would urge. "Think, Alex. Should I wear my red dress or my black one?"

"Your – your red one," murmured Alex. "You look gorgeous in it. Like royalty."

And Olivia would smile and encourage her to continue. "Good girl, Alex. Keep going. What earrings should I wear with it?"

"Your diamond ones," replied Alex. It was working, this conversation with the Olivia in her head. She was focusing on her girlfriend and the outfit that she might have worn for dinner on Saturday instead of the pain coursing through her veins.

"Alex. Alex." Olivia's gentle voice in her head pulled her back. "Baby, what are you going to wear?"

"My blue dress."

Olivia's lips would crinkle into a smile. "You look like a princess in that, Alex. Good choice."

As the cold metal left her body, for good this time, she thought that maybe she was going crazy, having conversations with her murdered girlfriend.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

Alex lost all concept of time and space as she lay there on her stomach, spread eagle, hurting all over from the rape and then the assault, from the beating, in her stomach from where she'd been kicked, and her wrists and ankles ached from being cuffed in such an uncomfortable position.

Finally, Alex felt herself being turned over and her arms and legs cuffed once again. She felt the helmet being removed and took a deep breath, taking advantage of the unrestricted supply of fresh air into her lungs.

Her captor ran his hands over her bare body, reaching her breasts and squeezing them, twisting them in his hands. She whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut at the assault. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd got to her.

"You're beautiful," muttered the man as he continued to touch her, pinching, twisting, squeezing. It sent shivers down Alex's spine. The words didn't make her feel warm inside as they did when Olivia said them; they made her feel cold when this man said them. He applied more pressure and hissed, "But you're my special project, and you're not going to stay that way. No one is ever going to want you again by the time I'm through."

Alex whimpered when she saw the knife. He pressed the blade to the taut skin of her stomach and she tried to squirm away, but she was tied up, and she couldn't.

She screamed when he cut her, deeply enough to hurt, but not deeply enough to cause any permanent damage. "Tell me how worthless you are," he snarled.

Alex stared at him uncomprehendingly, wriggling around to try to alleviate the pain in her stomach. It hurt so much, and she wondered why he was doing this, why she was his "special project" as he'd called it. None of the other women had knife scars.

He cut her again and she yelled as loudly as she could. "Please, stop!"

"Say it," he growled.

Alex swallowed a sob. "I'm worthless!"

"Very good," he approved, but her words earned her another slice of the blade, making her cry out again. "Tell me how ugly you are."

She began to cry again. "I'm ugly," she whimpered.

He cut her once more. "Louder."

"I'm ugly!" she cried, trying not to stare at the deep red cuts marring her alabaster skin.

He added another cut to her stomach. "Tell me how stupid you are."

She screamed. "I'm stupid!"

He sliced her stomach once again. "And no one will ever love you."

"No one will ever love me," she echoed, sobbing harder now.

He cut her once more for good measure, then took out a cigarette and lit it. Alex screamed again when she realized his intention.

He pushed the cigarette down onto her stomach and Alex cried out in pain, tears streaming down her cheeks as he took another cigarette and did the same.

Soon her stomach was full of wounds, cuts and burns from the cigarettes and the knife. And Alex was a sobbing mess, writhing on the bed and shrieking in pain. "Please," she begged, her dignity gone now. "I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just please stop!" He cut her again and she squirmed away, trying to avoid the knife, but it didn't work. "I'm ugly!" she sobbed without him even asking. "I'm stupid, I'm worthless, no one will ever love me, just please, please stop!"

"You're mine now," he told her, smacking her across the face. "And I'll do to you what I like."

Alex whimpered, trying not to look at the blood pooling from her stomach. She squirmed to avoid the assault, but tried to carry her mind onto more pleasant things. She thought of Olivia's warm, lopsided smiles. "Alex, honey," soothed the Olivia in her head. "Don't worry. You're still beautiful. You'll always be beautiful to me."

"I'm not," whispered Alex. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to die here. They'll kill me."

"No, honey. You're strong. You'll get through this."

"But I'm ugly now!"

"They're battle scars," said the Olivia in her head. "You'll always be beautiful in my eyes, honey, no matter how many scars you have."

Alex crashed back to reality when the pain suddenly stopped. "Get up," ordered the man, releasing her from her bonds. "You're my slave now, do you understand? And you will do what I say, when I say. Got it?"

Alex nodded, eager for him to stop hurting her.

"Kneel at my feet," he commanded, and when she did so, he added, "You will call me 'Master' at all times. You will not speak unless I tell you to." He pulled down his pants and shoved himself into her mouth. "Suck it."

Alex began to cry again as she pleasured him, fighting the initial gag reflex. As she did as she was told, all she thought about was Olivia, the feeling of Olivia's gentle arms around her at night, the feeling of safety in the detective's embrace. "Liv," she whispered silently, trying to conjure an image of her girlfriend. "I can't hold on anymore. It hurts too much."

"Baby, you've got to be strong," the Olivia in her head replied. "I know you can do this. You'll be okay. You're being so brave and I'm so, so proud of you. Just hold on a little longer, okay? Just a little longer."

So she did as she was told and gave him what he wanted until she passed out from sheer exhaustion.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

Days melted into weeks, and soon she lost track of how long she'd been here. Every day she was forced to do the most humiliating, degrading things for her master. She was broken, inside and out. The burns and cuts on her stomach had turned to ugly, horrible scars, and her willpower had been broken. She did what she was told when she was told how she was told if she wanted to avoid a beating, and after a few tries, she'd learned.

He ordered her to say horrible things about herself and beat her for his own gratification almost every day. He fed her scraps and made her eat out of a dog dish just to humiliate her. He made her sleep with him and raped her every night, and she cried herself to sleep.

He forced her to be naked at all times and he made her watch as he beat and raped and sometimes even killed other women. Sometimes he even made her help. Soon she'd become desensitized to all the violence, living from moment to moment in a way she never had before, reduced to the most feral of beings. All that coursed through her mind most of the time was how to avoid the pain that she knew laid in store.

She stopped speaking. The only sounds that came from her mouth were screams as her master used her as an ashtray and whimpers as he raped her. She was in constant pain and she learned that she couldn't talk her way out of it, so she stopped trying. The quieter she was, the safer she was, and she learned.

She tried to ignore the looks of betrayal that came from the women she was forced to hurt. Although her scars and bruises were on display for them to see, they clearly thought that she would – that she _could _– do something to save them. What they didn't realize was that she was hurting just as much as they were, maybe more.

But Olivia helped her through it. She thought of her girlfriend and conjured her in her mind, thinking of what Olivia would tell her if she could. "Hold on," she would say. "Stay strong, baby. When the time is right, you'll find a way to get out of here. I love you, sweetie, and I always will." And so Alex did. She felt that Olivia was with her, even when she was hurting so badly, even when her situation seemed hopeless. Olivia was there and she would help Alex get through it.

She had to believe that.

Her master yanked her out of bed the next morning by her hair. Alex whimpered and bit her lip, but didn't cry out. By now, she knew better. "There's a new one coming today," he told her, licking his lips. "Fresh meat. And if I like her better than you, maybe I'll kill you and be done with it. After all, you aren't beautiful anymore, just well-trained."

Alex shuddered at his words, but didn't respond, verbally or physically. He made this threat often and while she was terrified, sometimes she thought that death would be better than the hell she lived daily. At least then, she'd be with Olivia.

He fastened her collar around her neck and attached her leash – she thought of them as hers now, because he made her wear them whenever she left the bedroom, just so everyone would know that he was her master and she belonged to him.

The "fresh meat" was hanging from the ceiling, naked, blindfolded, and she was squirming in sheer terror. Her master pushed Alex to her knees and she did as she was expected, folding her hands and placing them on her head as she sat back on her heels and watched. She was her master's good little slave, his good little pet. With her collar and leash, she certainly felt like some sort of animal. She couldn't help but let her mind wander back to Olivia, who had loved her so much and treated her like a princess, never like an animal who needed to be tamed. Olivia had never hurt her.

But then, Olivia hadn't been able to protect her, either. Olivia hadn't even been able to protect herself. She was dead and they had killed her.

Alex saw the terror in the woman's eyes as her master pulled off the blindfold. Her eyes flickered toward Alex and the message in them was clear. She was begging for help, but Alex couldn't oblige. She almost felt contempt for this woman. Why would she think the woman wearing the collar and leash, the woman who was on her knees, bruised and broken, could help her?

Her master took the woman down from the ceiling and threw her down on the floor. He brandished his gun and hissed, "You scream and I'll kill you."

Alex knew he would. She'd seen it before, which was why she immediately did everything her master told her, because she didn't want him to do the same to her.

He forced the woman's legs apart and pulled down his own pants, thrusting inside her. She screamed, and he smacked her. Alex wondered vaguely if this was what she had been like when she first arrived, screaming at every little thing, not fully understanding the dangers of disobedience. If this woman had any illusions of rescue, she had to drop them now, or she wouldn't survive. When she'd first got here and Dana had told her the same thing, she'd thought the woman was just being cruel, but now she realized that Dana had been telling the truth and trying to help. In a way, she was almost grateful.

Alex forced herself to keep her eyes open as her master raped this woman. She knew if she looked away, she would be punished, so she didn't.

The woman kept looking back at Alex, pain and betrayal in her eyes. _You'll learn_, Alex wanted to tell her. _You'll learn not to cry, not to scream. You'll learn that there's no one you can trust, not even yourself sometimes._ But she couldn't say any of those things.

He shoved himself into the woman's mouth and she gagged around him, then sank her teeth into his flesh.

She should have known that was a mistake, and Alex's master didn't give second chances. He finished raping her, then hauled the woman to her feet and handed Alex the gun. The gleam in his eyes told her exactly what was expected of her, and she didn't hesitate, not even for this. She stood, stepped closer to the woman, and shot. She didn't even cry as the woman fell to the ground, dead.

It never even occurred to Alex that with the gun, she had the power to kill her master.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

Her master thought up new ways to humiliate Alex every day. He raped her in front of other women, in front of his friends, in front of any audience he could think of. He deprived her of food for days at time, and sometimes he would lock her in the room she now thought of as her dungeon. He would put the sensory deprivation helmet on and chain her to the wall or tie her to a chair for an indeterminate period of time. Occasionally, he would come into the dungeon and beat her before leaving again. She began to almost enjoy these long stretches of peace in which nothing existed but her or Olivia. She lived in her own little world, remembering the times they shared and having silent conversations with her girlfriend. "How's your mother doing?" she would ask.

"She's better," Olivia would reply. "She tells me every day now how much she loves me."

"What's it like? Heaven, I mean."

"It's everything you can imagine and more! I'm in a better place now, Alex. Really, I am."

"I want to be with you!"

"No, honey, you don't. You have to hold on. Stay strong."

"But if it's so nice –"

"It is, but you need to get through this. You need to tell your story so you won't just be another victim."

Alex understood, so she did as she was told.

Her master cut off all of her hair, that long golden hair that she loved so much. Sometimes at night she would run her fingers through it and pretend it was Olivia stroking her hair. Olivia had always loved her silky blonde tresses.

But then, it was just hair. She would much rather have the real Olivia there with her than Olivia's imaginary fingers combing through her hair.

But she could take all that. The worst days were the ones when he brought his friends. He would chain her to the bed, her legs spread wide, and he would let them take their turns with her. Three or four of them, sometimes more. Those days, she wanted to die. But she knew they wouldn't kill her – not then, anyway. She was too useful and brought them too much pleasure to be murdered so heartlessly.

Her master preyed on her weakness. He knew it wasn't the physical pain that hurt her the most; it was the emotional pain. Every time he hit her, every time he burned her, every time he did anything to her, he would hiss in her ear, "You're ugly. You're worthless. You're a slut, spreading your legs for every one of my friends. No one will ever want you now. No one will ever be able to love you now."

But there was the Olivia in her head, saying, "Don't listen to him, honey. You're none of those things. You're the most beautiful woman in the entire world. You're more precious than a diamond and I would do anything for one of your smiles. I love you, Alex, and I always will."

And Alex just cried. She didn't know who to believe anymore.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	7. Chapter 7

This continued for an indeterminate period of time. Alex lost all conceptualization of time and space as days melted into months, maybe even into years. She didn't know.

Alex was kneeling on the cold, damp ground, her eyes downcast as her master had his way with one of the women. She was trying to hear Olivia's voice in her head as she watched the scene before her. "Don't pay attention to them, baby," Olivia would soothe. "Listen to me. When you get out of here, what's the first thing you're going to do?"

Alex was getting better at answering the Olivia in her head promptly. "Shower," she said right away.

"What about after that?"

"Go shopping," Alex told the Olivia in her head. "I'm going to buy new clothes."

Olivia would nod approvingly. "What kind of clothes, baby?"

"A new dress."

"Good. Where are you going to get it from?"

"Sachs Fifth Avenue!"

Olivia would laugh. "That's a good idea. You deserve to be pampered, Alex."

Alex was startled back to reality when she heard a door being smashed and then, "Police! This is a raid!"

Her heart skipped a beat. Was it true? Were there really police officers here? Had they really found her? Or was she just hallucinating again, just as she hallucinated Olivia?

Her master was clearly thinking the same thing because he stopped for just a moment, then clearly decided there was no imminent threat and went back to raping his captive.

Alex strained her ears and sure enough, she heard footsteps approaching. She wanted to cry out that she was here, and to please come save her before her master realized what was going on and killed her, but she hadn't spoken in months and she wasn't sure she remembered how. She couldn't force the words past her lips.

And suddenly, they were there. Two men and one woman were standing in the room with her, ordering her master to put his hands where they could see them and kick the gun to them. To Alex's surprise, he obeyed. One of the men slapped handcuffs on him and led him away. The other man went to the woman whose name Alex didn't know, although she knew Alex's. Everyone did. They spoke of her in almost reverent tones, because in a way she was lucky, that she was alive and had nearly enough to eat, but most of the other women pitied her even more than they pitied themselves and each other. They knew that she was abused even worse than they were, that she was raped every night and beaten arbitrarily for the most minor of infractions, some legitimate and some imagined. They saw her being led around on a leash attached to her collar and they saw her eating from her dog dish. They knew that she'd lost the ability to speak, that she never even screamed anymore. They heard the muffled cries that came from the bedroom at night because they were directly below her, and they knew all that went on.

The female police officer knelt down beside Alex and wrapped her jacket around the trembling blonde's shoulders. Alex still hadn't moved a muscle; she was too well-trained for that. She knew that if she moved without being commanded to do so, she would be punished, and she didn't want that. "It's going to be okay, honey," whispered the female police officer. "My name's Jaclyn. Can you tell me your name?"

Alex opened her mouth to speak, but she couldn't say a word. Instead, she hung her head in shame.

"That's okay," said Jaclyn quickly. "We're going to get you out of here. Can you stand?"

"Her name's Alex," the other woman said helpfully. "She doesn't talk."

"Okay, Alex. Can you get up? There's an ambulance waiting outside for you." Jaclyn gave Alex's broken body a quick once-over, visually filing away the bruises, the cuts, the burns, the scars. She wrapped her coat more tightly around Alex and unclipped the collar and leash, taking them off Alex's neck. "Come on," she said gently, holding out her hand.

Alex took it and mutely let Jaclyn lead her outside, the first fresh air she'd seen in what might have been years. There were EMTs waiting outside and they helped Alex into a stretcher. Jaclyn climbed in behind her.

"I'm going to ride with you, Alex," she said gently, and it reminded Alex so much of Olivia's quiet authority that she began to cry.

Jaclyn squeezed her hand. "It's going to be okay."

* * *

When they reached the hospital, Alex was limp and silent as the doctor examined her and did a rape kit. She closed her eyes and thought of Olivia, smiling as Olivia's face floated in front of hers. "See, honey. I told you you'd be okay. I told you you could do it. You're okay now. You're safe."

She had three broken ribs and she was malnourished, but other than that, she was physically okay. The bruises would heal – at least, the ones on the outside.

When the doctor was finished with her, Jaclyn, who'd held her hand throughout this entire ordeal, knowing instinctively that she needed it, perched on the edge of Alex's hospital bed. "They're going to keep you here overnight, just to make sure you're okay. Alex, is there anyone I can call for you?"

Alex tried to speak, but she couldn't. She wanted to tell Jaclyn to call Elliot Stabler at SVU and have him come get her, but she couldn't find the words.

Jaclyn seemed to understand. "Can you write it down for me, Alex?" she asked gently, handing Alex a pen and a piece of paper.

Alex took a deep breath. The pen felt odd in her fingers. She hadn't held one in a long time. Instead of writing Elliot's name, she wrote what she really wanted to know. _Where am I?_

Jaclyn smiled sadly. "You're in Brooklyn, at a hospital. Where do you live?"

_Manhattan_, Alex wrote, then hesitated before asking,_ What day is it today?_

"September 21," answered Jaclyn. Reading the question in Alex's eyes, she added, "2004."

Alex's mind raced. She'd been gone for almost two years. And in those two years, she'd changed so much that she was sure her old friends wouldn't recognize her now.

"Now, Alex," Jaclyn prompted. "Can you write down the person you want me to call?

_Detective Elliot Stabler,_ wrote Alex. _Manhattan SVU. 313-555-3492._

Jaclyn looked a bit surprised, but she nodded and managed a small smile. "I'll call him. Can you tell me your last name?"

Alex hesitated before writing, _Cabot_.

Jaclyn seemed to recognize the name, because she raised her eyebrows. "You're Alex Cabot?"

Alex bowed her head in shame as she nodded. This woman knew her name. Once upon a time she had been Alex Cabot, Ice Princess. She'd been able to reduce child molesters to jelly at her feet. She'd been strong and determined and passionate and smart. Now she was _broken_. The Alex Cabot lying here today bore no resemblance to the old Alex Cabot.

"You have a lot of people who really miss you," said Jaclyn gently. "They're going to be so glad you're safe."

_Not the one that matters, _Alex didn't say.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Alex slept for a few hours and when she woke up, Jaclyn was still there. "Your friends are going to be here in a couple hours," she said gently. "But before you go back to Manhattan, I need you to tell me what happened. We already know most of it, but I want you to write down the answers to my questions. Okay?"

Alex nodded shakily. _Okay_, she wrote.

Jaclyn gave her a smile. "Thank you, Alex. Do you remember how you got there?"

Alex hesitated. _I was with a – _she stopped again – _a friend. They kidnapped us and put us in a van and they took us to the basement. _She paused before adding, _They killed her. They killed the ones who didn't behave._

Jaclyn nodded understandingly. "Could you tell me what they did to you?"

_He made me call him "master." He raped me and he made me watch him rape the others. He made me help. He beat me. He burned me and he cut me. He made me hurt them._

"It wasn't your fault," said Jaclyn softly.

Alex looked away. She couldn't meet Jaclyn's eyes.

"Can you say something to me, Alex?"

Alex shook her head. She couldn't force out a single word. She didn't think she remembered how.

Although there was nothing physically wrong with her – it was more psychological than anything – Jaclyn still looked concerned. "Does something hurt, Alex?"

Alex bowed her head and didn't answer.

"Can you point to where it hurts?"

The old Alex Cabot would have snapped at Jaclyn for talking to her like she was a child, but this new Alex Cabot didn't have the energy to even care. She didn't say a word.

Jaclyn flagged down a nurse and spoke quietly to her. The nurse returned a moment later and handed Alex a cup of water and two pills. When Alex hesitated, she explained, "They're painkillers. They'll help."

Alex reluctantly swallowed the tablets, then began to mindlessly trace her fingers over the bedposts. She rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes, Olivia's face floating in front of her. "I'm here with you, baby," the Olivia in her head said.

"I know," Alex told her silently.

"You're safe now, and no one's ever going to hurt you again. You made it. You were strong. I love you."

"I love you, too." Alex tried to hold back the tears as she added, "I wish you were here with me."

"But, Alex," replied the Olivia in her head. "I am."

Jaclyn gave Alex another smile. "I'll see you later later, okay? Your friends are going to be here soon."

Alex nodded. She wanted to thank Jaclyn, but the words stuck in her throat. She hoped Jaclyn understood anyway.

Alex curled up on her side and thought of Olivia again. The lingering taste on her lips after Olivia kissed her. The smell of Olivia's perfume. The warmth she felt when she was in Olivia's arms. The way Olivia would rub her back to soothe to her to sleep. The way cuddled beneath blankets in front of the fireplace. "I miss you, Olivia," she said silently.

"I'm here, honey. I'm with you, always," the Olivia in her head replied.

"I know. But I want – I want you to hold me."

"Pretend, Alex. Close your eyes and pretend it's my arms wrapped around you, holding you close, keeping you safe. I love you. You know that, Alex."

Alex began to cry. "I killed someone! I killed more than one person. I hurt them."

"You didn't have a choice," the Olivia in her head soothed. "It wasn't your fault. No one blames you. I don't blame you. I love you, baby, no matter what."

"But I let them kill you!"

"Honey, you have to forgive yourself. What's done is done. We can't undo the past, but you're going to be okay."

She crashed back to reality when she heard footsteps approaching. She tensed, more out of instinct than anything. She knew her master wasn't back, but she was so used to going limp at the sound of footsteps that she couldn't quite help it.

She flinched as the door opened, but she figured it was just a nurse, and rolled onto her side. But then came a voice she knew well. "Alex?"

She turned over, hardly daring to breathe. She tried to force the words past her lips, but she couldn't quite manage it.

Elliot was beside her in an instant. "Alex, are you okay?"

Alex nodded, facing him and trying not to cry.

"There's someone else here who really misses you. Can I send her in?"

Alex sighed and nodded again. She still couldn't speak.

He smiled and squeezed her hand before turning and leaving the room.

Alex closed her eyes, but they flew open when she heard another voice, one she'd thought she would never hear again. "Alex?"

Standing in the doorway was Olivia Benson.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Alex gasped, her mind racing. She wondered for a moment if she was hallucinating. Olivia was dead! She couldn't be here.

But as Olivia ran to her and wrapped her arms around her, and Alex felt the warmth emanating from Olivia's skin, she burst into tears.

Olivia climbed onto the bed with her, taking Alex into her arms and kissing her tears away. "It's so good to see you again," she murmured, pulling Alex close to her. "I missed you so, so much. I love you, sweetie. You're safe now. You're okay."

Alex just cried. She couldn't say a thing. And she couldn't ask the one question that was on her lips.

Olivia kissed her forehead, noticing the question in Alex's eyes. "What is it, Alex?"

Alex curled closer to Olivia, latching onto her neck and burying her head in the detective's shoulder. She hated feeling so dependent, but she was too exhausted and too excited to see Olivia again to really care.

"Do you want to write it down for me, baby?"

Alex nodded, and when Olivia handed her a piece of paper and a pen, she scrawled, _They told me you were dead. Where did you go?_

Olivia's expression softened and she held Alex close. "I got out of there, honey. I escaped. I'm sorry they told you that and you had to go so long thinking I was dead. I wanted to bring you with, but I couldn't find you. I thought we'd come back for you. We spent weeks looking for you, but we couldn't find the place where they'd kept you. I'm sorry. I should have been there for you."

Alex lowered her eyes and didn't say anything.

"The doctor told me what happened to you."

Alex's head snapped up at that, her eyes wide with fear. She didn't want Olivia to know how weak she'd been, how she'd let him hurt her, how she'd hurt others, how she'd turned into one of the monsters she and Olivia had convicted on a daily basis so long ago. If Olivia knew everything, she would punish Alex for all that she'd done. Alex couldn't bear Olivia's disappointment or Olivia's fury, unleashed either on her body or her mind.

"It's okay," Olivia reassured her, gently rubbing Alex's back. "It wasn't your fault, baby. Nothing that happened was your fault." Her voice caught. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I'm sorry they hurt you." She brushed a few stray strands of long blonde hair back from Alex's face and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "And I know you don't feel like talking right now, and that's okay, but when you're ready, I'm here to listen. Always."

Alex nodded, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder, her blue eyes imploring. Olivia understood the message in those eyes. She held Alex, rocking her gently back and forth until she finally fell asleep, safe in Olivia's arms.

* * *

_She was on her knees on the dank, dirty floor. Her master handed her the crop he'd used on her just hours before. He gestured to the girl before them, who couldn't have been more than eleven or twelve. "Punish her," he ordered._

_The little girl whimpered, her emerald eyes imploring. "Please," she begged. "No!"_

_Alex hit her anyway, ignoring the child's wounded cries as she struck her again and again._

* * *

She woke up with tears streaking down her cheeks, breathing hard and whimpering.

She started to calm down when she realized where she was, in the hospital, in Olivia's arms. The detective noticed that she'd stirred and hugged Alex tighter, kissing her forehead. "Shh, baby," she soothed. "It's okay. It was just a dream."

Alex curled into Olivia, wetting her girlfriend's shirt with her tears.

Olivia rubbed comforting circles into her back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She didn't really, and she was about to say so. She opened her mouth to tell Olivia that, but nothing came out. She, whose best friend and weapon had always been words, had lost the ability to use any of them. She lay her head back down on Olivia's shoulder as she cried.

Olivia held Alex close and gently stroked her hair. "It's okay, baby. You're okay. You're safe. I've got you. I'm here."

Alex tried to relax in Olivia's embrace. The detective soothed away her tears with gentle kisses and sweet words. Finally, Alex's sobs subsided and she managed a watery smile.

Olivia kissed her forehead and smiled back. "The doctor says you can come home today. I'm going to take the next week or two off to stay with you, and if you're feeling up to it, I'm sure your parents would love to come in from the Hamptons and see you." Seeing the look on Alex's face, she added, "They miss you a lot, but if you aren't feeling well enough, we don't have to."

Alex closed her eyes, considering for a moment, but then she slowly nodded. She hadn't seen her parents in nearly two years and she did miss them, and she knew they missed her too.

"Okay, honey. Do you want me to go get a nurse and see when you're going to be discharged?"

Alex hesitated. She didn't want Olivia to leave her – she was afraid that she would wake up and find this had all just been some wonderful dream and she'd be back with her master and Olivia would be dead. But she also wanted to go home, so she finally nodded.

Olivia gave her a smile and planted a lingering kiss on Alex's lips. "I'll be back in a moment."

Alex rolled onto her side, wincing at the pain as she did so. She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for Olivia to return.

A moment later, she was back with the nurse, who checked Alex's blood pressure and took her temperature. "I think you're ready to go home," she told Alex with a smile.

Olivia took Alex's hands and helped her to her feet. "Can you walk by yourself?"

Alex nodded, but when Olivia let go of her, her knees buckled and she nearly fell.

Olivia caught her and rested her hands on Alex's shoulders to steady her. "It's okay. I'll help you."

Alex nodded, lowering her gaze. She was ashamed at not being able to do even the most basic of things, but she was exhausted and her legs were feeling too weak to hold her up right now.

Olivia signed her out and led Alex outside. She wrapped an arm around Alex for support and raised her hand to hail a cab.

A taxi stopped for them and Olivia held open the door so Alex could get in. The ADA rested her head in Olivia's lap and the detective threaded her fingers through her hair, planting intermittent kisses on the crown of her head. "We're almost home," she soothed.

Alex nodded, burying her head in Olivia's shirt. She didn't like it that Olivia had to take care of her like this, but right now, she was too broken and in too much pain to do anything by herself.

The doctor had given Olivia antibiotics to take home, with strict instructions to give Alex two every three hours, no more, no matter how much pain she was in. Alex wanted to beg Olivia to give her one more, just one, but she couldn't. She knew Olivia would never be able to say no to her, not after all of this, but she still couldn't find the words to ask. She just started crying again.

Olivia kissed away her tears. "Hey, hey. It's okay. We're going home, Alex. And nothing bad is going to happen to you ever again, I promise. I love you, baby, so much."

Alex knew that, but she still couldn't quell the flow of her tears. What was wrong with her? The old Alex had never cried, and now she couldn't seem to stop.

Olivia tenderly rubbed her back. "Does something hurt, honey? Can you show me where?"

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She pointed to her stomach.

"Can I see?" asked Olivia gently, starting to lift the hem of Alex's shirt.

She flinched and squirmed away, vigorously shaking her head.

"It's okay, honey," Olivia assured her. "I just want to make sure there's nothing really wrong. Is it cramps?"

Alex shook her head again. She didn't want Olivia to see her scars and to know how ugly she was.

"Okay, okay," soothed Olivia. "I won't do anything you don't want me to do."

Alex fell asleep in the cab. When they reached the apartment, Alex was still sleeping, so Olivia paid the taxi driver and lifted the ADA into her arms, carrying her upstairs. She was concerned at how little Alex weighed, but that was another topic for another day. Alex probably hadn't been fed right while she was gone, and Olivia would try to get her to eat something for dinner.

She wanted to change Alex into fresh clothes, but she knew the ADA wouldn't want her to, so she didn't. She tucked Alex into their bed and then lay down beside her, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and kissing her cheek. "I love you, Alex," she murmured, although she knew that Alex couldn't hear her. "I know you're hurting and I know you're scared, but I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. We can get through this together. And when you're ready, I know you'll start talking again."

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

Alex awoke to find herself safe in Olivia's embrace. She relaxed when she realized the detective was still here, by her side, as she'd promised.

Olivia noticed her stir and gave Alex a smile and a kiss. "Hey, baby. Did you sleep okay?"

Alex nodded and started to get up. She wanted a shower. Badly.

Olivia followed Alex, keeping a hand on the small of her back to steady her. "Do you want a bath? I'll run it for you if you like."

Alex shook her head and took Olivia's hand, removing it from her back, hoping to communicate that she didn't want Olivia's help. She couldn't let the detective see her scars.

But then, she wasn't used to have the _freedom _to hide them. She'd gone the better part of the past two years naked, the scars on display for all to see. She wasn't used to wearing clothes and they felt uncomfortable, almost. Itchy. She knew Olivia wouldn't hurt her, wouldn't touch her, wouldn't even _look _at her if Alex said she didn't want it. But still, she was afraid.

"Do you want a shower?"

Alex nodded. She hadn't had a nice, warm shower in two years, only icy cold ones where her master washed her and made her feel even dirtier than she had before.

"Do you want me to have one with you?"

Alex vigorously shook her head.

"Okay, honey. I'll get you some fresh clothes, and I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything. Is chicken okay for dinner?"

Alex nodded and hurried into the bathroom, locking the door. She hadn't been allowed to lock any doors during her whole time in captivity, and it was almost liberating to be able to do so now.

She turned on the shower and hesitated before taking off her clothes. She was a mess. She was ugly and the scars marring her fair skin showed just how weak she really was.

But she climbed into the shower and smiled as the warm water cascaded over her broken body. This felt nice. Really nice. It hurt at first as the water made contact with her open wounds, but then it felt better, and she closed her eyes, soaking in the warmth.

By the time her skin had turned prune-like, she got out, wrapping herself in a warm towel. That felt so good. She couldn't get over it.

She was glad that Olivia had left out a long sleeved shirt and pants for her, even though it was unusually warm for September. Alex was grateful that Olivia understood, or at least, she seemed to.

She finally went out to the kitchen where Olivia was waiting, the delicious aroma of chicken assaulting her senses. It was almost overwhelming, but it too was nice. She hadn't had anything besides table scraps to eat in nearly two years and she knew Olivia's chicken would be really good. She wanted to thank the detective, but the words stuck in her throat. She hoped Olivia heard them anyway.

Olivia stopped what she was doing when she heard Alex enter the room. She turned around and gave Alex a smile. "How are you doing?" she asked tenderly.

Alex began to tremble. She didn't know exactly why, but she suddenly was feeling very insecure. She didn't deserve to be alive when so many others weren't, many by her own hand.

Olivia's expression softened and she took Alex into her arms, pulling her close and kissing the crown of Alex's head. "Dinner's almost ready," she murmured.

Alex nodded, leaning into Olivia and burying her head in the detective's shoulder. She took a deep breath, braced herself, and kissed Olivia's cheek. It felt good, and she hoped it communicated her gratitude to the detective.

Olivia's lips turned up into a smile. "Are you feeling any better?" she asked.

Alex nodded again. She opened her mouth and tried to say something, but nothing came out and she began to cry for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight, out of pure frustration at wanting to speak but being unable to.

"It's okay, honey," soothed Olivia, threading her fingers through Alex's hair. "You don't have to say anything. I understand. When you're ready, you'll start talking again."

Alex lowered her eyes, ashamed that she was unable to do even the most basic of things, but also thankful that Olivia understood.

Olivia kissed her once more, then went back to her cooking. "Would you mind setting the table?" Olivia asked.

Alex nodded and started to put out placemats, plates, spoons and forks. It felt odd to do this. She hadn't eaten with cutlery in years, only from her dog dish. She wasn't sure she remembered how to eat like a normal human being and she ducked her head in shame at the realization.

Olivia carried the chicken to the table, along with corn on the cob and mashed potatoes. She brought a bottle of Perrier to the table as well, which had always been Alex's favorite.

Alex managed to pour herself half a glass of Perrier, then gingerly took a sip. She wasn't used to having this carbonated water and she choked on it, coughing as she gasped for air.

Olivia was behind her in an instant, patting her back and trying to clear her airway. Finally, Alex swallowed and looked up at Olivia, then immediately averted her eyes in shame when she saw the concern written all over the detective's face.

"Are you okay, baby?" asked Olivia.

Alex nodded, and Olivia reluctantly sat back down.

Alex picked up her fork. It felt unfamiliar in her hand, and she tried to readjust her fingers to make eating more comfortable. She tried to cut her chicken, but began to cry when she realized she wasn't doing an adequate job. She'd used to be so efficient with everything, but now she couldn't even cut her own dinner.

Olivia noticed her discomfort, her chocolate eyes full of sadness. She took the plate from Alex and gently moved her hands away. "Here, honey. I'll cut it for you. It's okay."

Alex buried her head in her hands and continued to cry. She felt bad about causing Olivia so much trouble.

But then she felt warm arms around her and Olivia tenderly rubbed her back. "It's okay, sweetie," she murmured. "I'll help you. It'll come back soon, Alex. You've had a hard time, but you're going to be okay. You're safe now, and you're strong. We'll get through this."

She cut Alex's chicken into bite-sized pieces like she was making food for a child. Alex could only force down three bites before she ran to the washroom and emptied her stomach into the toilet.

But then Olivia was there, brushing her hair back from her face and gently rubbing her back as she continued to heave until there was nothing left in her stomach. She fell back, sobbing again, and Olivia took her into her arms, cradling her like she was a child and rocking her gently back and forth. "It's okay, baby," she whispered, kissing Alex's forehead. "I'll clean up. Let's get you into bed."

Alex whimpered, latching onto Olivia's neck. The detective lifted Alex into her arms as if she weighed no more than a baby and carried her to the bedroom, gently setting her down on the bed.

Olivia handed her a pair of pajamas, long-sleeved. Thank goodness for small favors. "I'll let you change," she said softly. "I'll be back in a few moments."

Alex was too tired to argue. She curled into herself and waited for Olivia to leave before she undressed, trying not to stare at her scars as she pulled on the pajamas.

Olivia returned a moment later. She sat down beside Alex and kissed her shoulder blade. "Turn around, honey," she whispered.

Alex started to tremble, wondering what Olivia wanted. Was she going to hit her? No, Olivia would never do that. But maybe Olivia knew . . . and then Olivia would leave her for sure. Why would she want to be with a murderer, someone no better than the men who'd abducted them?

But then she felt a gold chain being fitted around her neck and clasped at the back and she relaxed when she realized what it was. It was the locket Olivia had given her for Christmas two long years ago. She fingered the heart for a moment, opening it and examining the photo inside. It was of her and Olivia, so long ago. They were at the park, and Alex vaguely remembered that day. They were both grinning and they had their arms wrapped around each other. In that photo, Alex was _happy_. She didn't think she'd ever be able to smile like that again.

She snapped the locket shut. The picture made her too sad. It had been taken back when she was normal, when she could still speak, when she wasn't dirty or evil or bad.

"I wore it every day," said Olivia softly, fingering the locket. "I kept you close to my heart."

Alex turned away. She didn't deserve Olivia, not now. She was a horrible person who'd hurt so many people, the people that Olivia tried to help every day. Now she was one of _them_, the perpetrators, the ones Olivia wanted locked away for the rest of their lives. She couldn't be here.

Olivia noticed her hesitation and pulled Alex into her arms, kissing the base of her neck. "I'll love you forever," she whispered. "I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Alex you'll be."

Her words made Alex smile, and it helped, a bit.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Alex was on her knees, sobbing as she watched her master hang Olivia from the ceiling by her wrists. She wanted to say something, to beg him not to hurt her, but she knew her words would do her no good. So she stayed silent as her master snaked his hand between Olivia's legs._

_He smirked when he saw the look of abject horror on Alex's face. He doubled his efforts, thrusting in and out of Olivia as Alex cried and Olivia tried not to._

"_Please," Alex finally whimpered. "Please don't."_

_He did as she'd asked, then handed Alex the gun. "Fine. Kill her."_

_Alex screamed and screamed and screamed and the next thing she knew, there was a bullet whizzing toward her – _

* * *

Alex woke up sweating and shaking, trying to scream, but her voice didn't work and all she could manage was a quiet whimper as tears streaked down her cheeks.

But Olivia was there, smoothing her damp hair back from her forehead and kissing Alex's shoulder blade. "It's okay, baby," she murmured, holding Alex close. "It was just a dream. I'm here."

Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder as she wept. She wanted to apologize, but she still couldn't speak.

"Shh, shh," soothed Olivia. "Don't try to talk, baby. Just breathe, okay? Just breathe. Focus, Alex. In, and out. In, and out. Good girl," she added as Alex complied. When Alex's trembling had mostly abated, Olivia kissed her again and asked, "Is there anything I can do for you, Alex?"

Alex looked up at Olivia, her baby blues imploring. And Olivia, Olivia who could always read her so well, understood.

"It's okay, sweetie," she whispered. "I'll hold you as long as you want me to. I'm not going anywhere."

Alex sighed. How could Olivia always tell?

* * *

The next day, Olivia invited Alex's parents over. She didn't want to overwhelm Alex, but she knew the Cabots were eager to see her, and she was fairly certain that Alex was eager to see them too.

She prepped them in advance, explaining that Alex wasn't speaking at the moment and not to push her to talk or do anything she didn't want to do, but that seeing them would probably be good for her. "And for us," Mrs. Cabot said.

Alex started to tidy up the apartment, but Olivia stopped her. "Sit down, honey. It's okay. I'll do it."

Alex shook her head, but gave up the fight as Olivia gently sat her down on the couch and started to vacuum the living room.

Alex winced at the noise and pressed her hands over the ears to muffle the sound. Olivia immediately noticed and turned off the vacuum, putting it away and coming to sit beside Alex. "I'm sorry."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and Olivia pulled the ADA onto her lap, wrapping her arms around her.

"I love you, sweetie," she whispered, holding Alex tight.

Alex curled into Olivia, loving the warmth and safety she felt in Olivia's embrace. She'd waited so long for this, and part of her still couldn't believe it was real.

Alex flinched and tried to compose herself when she heard the doorbell ring.

"It's okay, baby," murmured Olivia. "It's okay. They're not going to push you to do anything you don't want to do." She brushed a few strands of stray blonde hair back from Alex's face. "They missed you, honey. They want to see you."

Alex nodded and clung to Olivia's hand as they went to the door. Olivia opened it and smiled when she saw Alex's parents.

Alex's mother began to cry when she saw Alex and pulled her daughter into a hug. "My baby," she whispered, stroking Alex's hair and holding her close.

It was almost odd to hear that from her mother, who'd never really been one for huge displays of affection, and Alex wasn't a child anymore. But it felt nice to have her mother hugging her like this and she allowed herself to relax as she felt her father's arms wrap around her too, and his choked up voice saying, "It's good to see you again, Alex."

When her parents finally released her, Olivia gently took Alex's hand and led her to the living room. They sat down across from Alex's parents and Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex and tenderly rubbed her back.

They chatted for a little while – well, Olivia chatted with the Cabots, awkwardly, because Alex was just sitting there, silent. She snuggled close to Olivia because she needed the comfort right now, her parents' voices drifting in and out as she thought back to happier times. To their anniversary, when they'd gone up to Niagara Falls for the weekend. They'd gone out on the _Maid of the Mist _and Alex had been transfixed by the intoxicating beauty of the Falls. To Alex's birthday, when Olivia had taken her to see _Mamma Mia _on Broadway; even though Olivia herself hated the show, she knew Alex loved it. To their last summer together, when she and Olivia had gone up to the Cabots' beach house. They'd gone out on the sea-doo and went swimming. _Swimming_. Alex would never be able to go swimming again. She was too ugly to wear a bathing suit now.

Olivia noticed Alex's body tense and gave her a squeeze, kissing her cheek and murmuring, "Are you okay, honey?"

Alex nodded, sliding closer to Olivia and resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulder.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's hair as she continued her conversation with Alex's parents.

Alex closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on Olivia's gentle fingers instead of the pain that was still coursing through her veins. She wanted to ask Olivia to give her one more painkiller, but she couldn't find the words.

"Alex."

Alex's head snapped up, questioning Olivia with her eyes.

Olivia planted a tender kiss on the crown of her head. "I'm going to heat up some chicken for dinner. Would you like some?"

Alex shook her head, leaning back against Olivia.

Olivia gave her another kiss. "I'll be back in a few minutes, baby. I'm just going to put the chicken in the microwave."

Alex wrapped her arms around herself as Olivia got up. Both of her parents were watching her in concern, and Alex couldn't bring herself to meet their eyes.

Then she felt a hesitant hand resting on the small of her back. She flinched, but then relaxed when she realized it was just her father. She looked up, hoping her eyes conveyed her apology. But her father couldn't read her as well as Olivia could, and he didn't understand. "We missed you, sweetheart," he murmured, rubbing her back.

Alex bowed her head as she felt her mother's warm arms wrap around her. Her parents really did love her, and she wished she could tell them how much this meant to her, but the words stuck in her throat.

She felt immediately guilty, even selfish, when Olivia came back into the room to find the three of them like that, and she saw the flicker of pain flash across the detective's face. It was only there for a few seconds, but then Alex felt bad, because she knew Olivia had never had this; a mother _or _a father who loved her. Alex had always taken her family for granted. And she knew seeing them like that made Olivia sad.

But she also knew Olivia would deny it, and she wouldn't have said anything even if she could have. Commenting on such a thing was a sure way to stir up trouble, and she knew that. Olivia hated seeming weak.

And once upon a time, so had Alex. Now she was too far gone to even notice, much less than care.

Olivia took Alex's hand and managed a smile. "Dinner's ready. I know you're not hungry, but we'd really like your company."

Alex nodded and followed Olivia into the kitchen. She sat down beside the detective and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia smiled, threading her fingers through Alex's hair. "Why don't you come sit on my other side, honey? I can't eat when you're leaning on this arm."

Alex obediently switched seats and closed her eyes as she leaned against Olivia, glad her parents weren't trying to get her to eat anything. She knew she wouldn't be able to keep anything down.

The evening dragged on and her parents finally left. Alex was exhausted, and she let Olivia half-carry her to the bedroom. She lay down on the bed and went limp as she felt the detective's warm arms wrap around her. The detective kissed her forehead and murmured, "I'm so proud of you, honey."

Alex looked at Olivia, her baby blues questioning.

Olivia understood and gave Alex a gentle squeeze. "You're so brave. So strong. So amazing."

Alex wished she could believe her.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

_Her master was smoking a cigarette and Alex was kneeling at his feet, trying to stay absolutely still, because she knew what the punishment would be if she didn't._

_Her muscles twitched after a few moments, and her master saw, because he stubbed his cigarette out on her stomach. She screamed, then bit down hard on her bottom lip, trying not to cry._

_He left her, slamming the door and giving her strict instructions not to move. She knew what would happen if she did, so she stayed perfectly still, despite the pain in her stomach from the burn._

_The door opened, but it wasn't her master standing in the doorway. It was Olivia._

"_You're too ugly for me to love you anymore," sneered Olivia before turning and walking away, leaving Alex sobbing for her to come back._

* * *

Alex woke up crying, and she pulled away when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her. She curled up in a ball on the edge of the bed, not wanting Olivia to touch her right now.

"It was just a dream, honey," soothed Olivia, gently rubbing her back. "You're okay."

Alex shook her head. She was ugly and dirty, too dirty to share the bed with Olivia. She started to tremble as she got out of bed and started toward the living room, curling up on the couch.

Olivia followed, draping a thick blanket over her shoulders and pulling Alex into her arms. "What is it, baby?"

Alex shook her head again, pulling away. She couldn't be near Olivia right now. She didn't deserve the detective, and she couldn't be with her anymore.

Olivia sat down beside her. "Could you write it down for me, honey?"

Alex pushed Olivia away. It was the only way she knew how to communicate what she wanted, feral as it was.

Olivia handed her a piece of paper and a pen anyway. "Go on, honey," she encouraged. "Tell me what's wrong."

Alex glared at her, yanking the pen from Olivia's hands and scribbling illegibly on the page, then handing it back to Olivia, almost petulantly.

Olivia's dark eyes were deep pools of sadness. "I just want to help you, sweetie. Tell me what I can do to help."

Alex sighed. Finally, she took the pen and wrote, _Go away_.

Olivia looked heartbroken, but she kissed Alex's forehead before reluctantly going back to the bedroom, leaving Alex to sleep on the couch, alone.

Alex began to cry as soon as Olivia had left. But then, this pain was what she'd wanted, what she'd hoped to accomplish by pushing Olivia away. Right?

* * *

Days went by, stretching on forever. Olivia took off that entire time to be with Alex, because she knew her girlfriend needed her now. But still, Alex wouldn't – _couldn't _– talk to her. She woke up every night sobbing and still refused to let Olivia see her scars. She could barely keep any food down. She was damaged, and she was terrified that Olivia was going to leave her when she found out how horrible she really was.

Olivia tucked her into bed that night before climbing in after her and taking Alex into her arms, gently rubbing her girlfriend's shoulders. "You can sleep now," she whispered as she massaged away the tension in Alex's muscles. "You're safe here. It's okay."

Olivia stayed awake for hours, watching over her until Alex finally managed to fall into a fitful slumber.

* * *

_She lay there, terrified, tied to the bed. The collar around her neck was so tight that it was almost painful, but she didn't complain because she knew it would do her no good._

_The men were watching her hungrily, like predators appraising their prey. "Beautiful," approved one of them, running his hands up Alex's sides. She whimpered and tried to squirm away, but her bonds held her too tight._

_Her wriggling earned her a slap across the face and her master leaned toward her, hissing, "You be good for my friends or you'll wish you'd never been born."_

_She already did._

"_You can go first," her master offered one of the men, as if she was an inanimate object, there merely for their enjoyment._

_He smirked and pulled down his pants, then thrust into Alex. She screamed as he entered her, biting down hard on her lower lip as she received another smack. He continued to thrust inside her and she squeezed her eyes shut from the soreness between her legs._

_Finally, he finished, but then came the second man, and then the third, and the fourth. Soon she passed out from exhaustion and pain._

* * *

Alex woke up screaming, louder than she'd ever screamed in her life. She was drenched in sweat and she was shaking from head to toe.

Olivia was awake in an instant, sitting up and taking Alex into her arms and rocking her back and forth. "Shh, it's okay, baby. It's okay. I'm here. You're safe, honey. You're okay."

Alex buried her head in Olivia's shoulder and cried. It _wasn't _okay. Olivia was being so good to her, but she knew it could never last. The second Olivia saw her scars, she'd be gone, which is why Alex could never show them to her.

"Shh, honey," soothed the detective, stroking Alex's hair. "You're okay." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Come on," she said gently. "Let's get you out of those clothes."

Alex was confused for a moment, but then she felt the damp spot on the sheets and ducked her head in humiliation. She'd wet the bed. She hadn't done this in forever.

Before she could even protest, Olivia had lifted the hem of her shirt and started to remove it. Her quiet gasp told Alex all she needed to know and she whimpered, then looked away in shame. But Olivia didn't say a word.

When she finally dared to meet Olivia's eyes, all she could read in those deep chocolate orbs was compassion, and pain. And Alex felt bad all over again, because she knew that all the pain she was feeling, Olivia felt twice as much. She held her breath, trying not to cry. Olivia was still here. Alex couldn't figure it out. Olivia had seen how ugly and horrible she was and she hadn't left.

She tensed when she felt Olivia tenderly tracing her scars, and then covering them with a trail of gentle kisses. She relaxed after a few moments, though. This was _Olivia_, and she knew Olivia wasn't going to hurt her.

"You're beautiful," whispered Olivia as she bathed Alex's scars with soft kisses. "So beautiful." She gave Alex a watery smile, tucking a strand of stray blonde hair behind her ear. "And I love you so, so much."

Alex's breathing hitched. And then the words came, and when they did, they were so bittersweet that she wanted to cry. "Liv," she whispered. They were the first words she'd uttered in over a year and they tasted odd on her tongue, but they were out there, finally.

Olivia's head snapped up and she met Alex's eyes. "Yeah, baby?" she asked tenderly, the surprise evident in her eyes as she caressed Alex's cheek.

Alex leaned into the touch and looked right into Olivia's eyes as she said, slowly, because it was taking a lot of effort to speak after so long, "Love you."

And Olivia's smile made it all worth it when she leaned forward to gently kiss Alex and whispered, "I love you, too, honey. I love you, too."

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

Little by little, Alex began to speak again. It was difficult, but she was getting better. "I'm so proud of you," Olivia told her every morning, and Alex tried to let herself believe her.

She still had nightmares almost every night and flashbacks nearly as often, but Olivia was always there for her, and they got through them together. Slowly, Alex was beginning to heal.

Olivia encouraged Alex to get out of the house as much as possible. They went on long walks through Central Park and stopped by the precinct every so often to see their friends. Alex still wouldn't wear short sleeves no matter how warm it was outside, but she was starting to feel more comfortable around Olivia, and Olivia knew that in time, she'd be okay.

One morning, Alex and Olivia were playing chess (a game that Olivia consistently lost at, although whether it was because of her own incompetence or Alex's skill was anyone's guess). "So what do you want for dinner tonight?" asked Olivia, moving one of her knights to put Alex in check.

Alex thought about it. "No food here," she told the detective, capturing Olivia's knight with her bishop and smirking up at Olivia, who rolled her eyes.

"No need to look so pleased with yourself." She moved one of her pawns. "We don't have any food in the house?"

Alex shook her head, taking one of Olivia's pawns with a rook.

"So do we need to go shopping or are we going to order in?"

"Shopping."

"When I'm done beating you."

"Don't think so," said Alex mildly, moving her queen. "Checkmate."

Olivia groaned. "Why are you so good at this?"

Alex shrugged, planting a gentle kiss on Olivia's cheek. "Good game."

Olivia smiled, pulling Alex close. "Love you, baby."

Alex burrowed closer to Olivia, curling against her. "Love you, too," she whispered.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, and both of them sat up. Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Will you get that, honey?"

Alex was still a bit wary about answering the door, but Olivia had said it would be good for her, so she swallowed her fear and opened it.

A tall man wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase stood in the doorway. "Ms. Cabot," he said, holding out his hand for her to shake. "I'm Graeme Sorenson. I'm prosecuting the case against the men who abused you. May I come in?"

Alex wanted to say no, but the words once again stuck in her throat as she started to tremble. She didn't want anything to do with this man, or her master, ever again. She didn't want to talk to him, to testify, to do _anything_ at all. She didn't care if it meant he would go to jail. That part of her life was over and she needed to move on.

"Baby?" came a voice from behind her. "Who is it?" She felt Olivia's gentle hands massaging her shoulders and then the detective said coldly to Graeme Sorenson, "Yes?"

"Ms. Benson, I'm Graeme Sorenson. I'm the DA prosecuting the case against the men who hurt Ms. Cabot. May I come in?"

Olivia didn't want him to, and she knew he was upsetting Alex, but she also knew that she didn't really have a choice. So she nodded and stepped aside so Mr. Sorenson could come in.

She led him into the living room and sat down on the sofa across from him, pulling Alex onto her lap and wrapping her arms around the ADA, who was still shaking in her embrace. "It's okay, baby," she murmured, kissing Alex's shoulder blade and gently rubbing her back.

Mr. Sorenson cleared his throat. "Ms. Cabot, I'm going to cut right to the chase. We're going to need you to testify."

Alex's eyes widened and she shook her head. _I can't_, she wanted to say, but she couldn't push the words past her lips.

"She'll do no such thing," snapped Olivia, continuing to rub comforting circles into Alex's back. "You can make your case without her."

"Ms. Cabot, we can subpoena you, and if you don't testify, we can hold you in contempt. You're our most compelling witness and we need you."

"I am _not _going to sacrifice Alex's progress for your case," said Olivia flatly. "You can make it without her."

"Then you leave me no choice. We will subpoena her if we have to." He turned to Alex. "Don't you want to see the men who did this to you behind bars?"

Alex leaned back against Olivia and frantically shook her head.

"Alex, honey," said Olivia quietly. "Can you let me talk to Mr. Sorenson for a moment? I'll be there in a few minutes."

Alex nodded and got up, still shivering as she went to the bedroom and curled up beneath the covers, trying to calm herself down.

Olivia glared at Mr. Sorenson. "_Look _at her, Mr. Sorenson. She went nearly a year without speaking, barely eating, barely sleeping. She's just starting to get better, and this will ruin everything for her. She won't wear t-shirts anymore, she won't shower with me, she wakes up every night screaming and begging me not to leave her, because that _monster _told her over and over that no one would ever be able to love her because she was so ugly, so worthless. I'm trying my best, but I'm not going to throw that all away. Not now."

Mr. Sorenson leaned forward. "But that's exactly why she needs to testify! Don't you want to see him punished?"

"Not at her expense. I'm not offering up the woman I love as a sacrificial lamb. Do you see what just two minutes with _you _did to her? Making her sit just a few feet away from the monster who did this to her will destroy her, and I'm not going to put her through that."

Mr. Sorenson sighed. "I'm sorry to have to do this, but you don't have a choice. I'm subpoenaing her, and both of you will be held in contempt if she doesn't show up. The trial starts on Monday. Good day."

With that, he got up and left, leaving Olivia to deal with the mess he'd left behind.

**Review to find out what happens next!**


	14. Chapter 14

Olivia took a deep breath to compose herself before going into the bedroom. Alex was trembling beneath the covers, tears streaking down her cheeks like large, wet pearls, and Olivia knew that all of the progress they had made had just been undone.

She lay down on the bed beside her girlfriend and pulled Alex into her arms, gently kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry, honey, but they're going to subpoena you. I'm going to try everything I can to get it quashed, but you might have to testify on Monday."

Alex flinched when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her and vigorously shook her head.

"I'm going to try to make sure that doesn't happen, but there may not be anything that I can do. But Alex, if you do testify, the men who hurt you will go to jail for the rest of their lives and you'll never have to worry about them ever again."

Alex buried her head in Olivia's chest as she cried, still shaking her head.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair, trying to remain calm, but she was starting to worry. "Alex, honey, can you say something to me?"

Alex didn't answer, continuing to sob in Olivia's arms.

Olivia sighed. "Okay, baby. It's okay. You'll talk when you're ready." She held Alex close as her mind raced, trying to figure out how best to quash this subpoena before it destroyed the woman she loved.

* * *

Olivia tried everything she could think of to get the subpoena quashed. She even went to Liz, and then to Arthur Branch. But in the end, it was all for nothing. They had no jurisdiction, and the subpoena stuck.

Alex hadn't said a word in nearly a week by now, and when Mr. Sorenson dropped by to prep Alex, Olivia wouldn't let him into the house. "She hasn't said a word since you came," she hissed, the accusation evident in her eyes. "Now get out or I'll arrest you for trespassing."

Alex had stopped eating and began to shake uncontrollably whenever Olivia mentioned the trial. She'd tried to help Alex prepare, but the ADA was having none of it, and Olivia didn't have the heart to push her.

She woke up every night crying and all Olivia could do was hold her and assure her that she loved her, promising that she was here and she would never leave. But still, she wasn't quite sure if Alex believed her.

On Monday, Olivia woke up to find Alex heaving in the washroom, sobbing as she emptied her stomach into the toilet. She threw off the covers and ran to her girlfriend, taking Alex into her arms and gently stroking her hair. "It's okay, baby," she whispered, holding Alex tightly. "We're going to get through this."

Alex shook her head, trembling so hard that she nearly slipped from Olivia's grasp. _It's not okay, _she didn't say, but Olivia heard the words anyway.

Olivia kissed her cheek. "We need to leave in half an hour, honey. What do you want for breakfast?"

Alex shook her head, leaning toward Olivia.

"You have to have _something_."

Alex got up and went into the bedroom, quickly changing into the clothes Olivia had laid out for her. Olivia started to follow, but stopped when she saw the look in Alex's eyes. Instead, she started some pancakes for Alex. Maybe she'd eat them and maybe she wouldn't, but the thought was there.

As expected, Alex didn't have a single bite, and Olivia practically had to drag her out of the house. It was breaking her heart to have to do this, but she knew that she didn't want Alex locked up for contempt.

There was a media circus outside the court and Olivia flashed her badge at the reporters who went wild when they saw Alex, calling out questions and overwhelming her girlfriend. "NYPD," she said, keeping her hands on Alex's shoulders to steady her. "Move."

The throng of reporters parted, but they continued to snap photos of Alex, who glanced around in confusion like a deer in headlights as Olivia led her inside.

Alex wasn't allowed in the courtroom, and although Olivia wanted to watch the beginning of the trial, she didn't want to leave Alex alone. She sat on a bench outside the courtroom, pulling the ADA down beside her and wrapping her arms around her. "I love you, baby," she whispered. "You can do this."

Of course Alex couldn't do this. She hadn't said a word in over a week and Olivia knew this would traumatize her even more, seeing the monster who had hurt her sitting just a few feet away. But she needed to reassure Alex anyway.

Finally, a bailiff called her name, and Alex started to tremble even more than she had been before. Olivia helped her to her feet, but when she stepped back, Alex's knees buckled and she nearly fell. "She can't do this," Olivia told the bailiff.

The man shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"Please, may I come with her?"

"You can sit in the gallery."

"She needs me!"

"I'm sorry," he repeated, taking Alex's arm and leading her into the courtroom.

Olivia watched helplessly as her panicking girlfriend was half-dragged inside to face her worst nightmare.

**Review if you want to know what happens next!**


	15. Chapter 15

Alex nearly fainted as she was led into the courtroom and saw her master sitting at the defense table, glaring at her. She forced herself to turn away and instead focused on Olivia, sitting in the front row of the gallery. She gave Alex a tight smile, but it didn't quite meet her eyes. _I love you_, she mouthed.

Alex stumbled, but managed to sit down on the witness stand. She'd never been on this side of the courtroom before, and she was absolutely terrified that her master would somehow manage to hurt her again.

"Please state your name and address for the record."

Alex opened her mouth and she tried, she really did, but she couldn't force a single word past her lips.

The voice came again, but she had her eyes screwed shut so she wouldn't have to look at her master, and so she couldn't tell where the voice was coming from. "Please, ma'am, state your name."

Still, she couldn't answer.

"Ms. Cabot, you are here under subpoena. If you refuse to testify, you will be taken into custody and held in contempt of court."

_No._

* * *

_She was chained to the bed, her legs spread eagle, helpless to her master's whims. He thrust inside her, over and over and over as she cried._

_He finally finished and got up, and she allowed herself to breathe again, but it wasn't over. He took the knife and plunged it into the depths of her stomach, eliciting a scream from his captive._

_He cut her again and again and again until she was writhing in agony. "Olivia," she whimpered. "Olivia!"_

_He smacked her hard, then cut her once more. "Even if she was alive, she wouldn't love you. You're too ugly. You're worthless. I don't know how she ever loved you to begin with. But maybe she didn't."_

"_Don't talk about her like that!"  
_

_And that earned her her worst beating yet. She'd never known that one person could inflict so much pain on another, but he had, and she wanted to die._

_Those were her last words to him._

* * *

Alex was shaking and crying up there on the witness stand, so clearly in another world right now, and Olivia needed to bring her back. She was on her feet in an instant, pushing past the bailiffs who tried to block her way. "NYPD," she snapped, flashing her badge. "She needs me!"

Not even caring about the potential repercussions of such an action, she ran to Alex and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend. "Alex, honey, it's okay. It's okay, baby. I'm here. Look at me, sweetie. Look at me." She really didn't like that they had an audience, but Alex was more important than clearing the courtroom right now, and she needed to pull Alex out of this.

When Alex's frightened blue eyes flickered up to meet hers, Olivia took Alex's shaking hands in her own and said softly, "Good girl. Just breathe. I'm here and I've got you. You're safe. He can't hurt you anymore. I'm going to count to ten for you, baby. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . ." By five, Alex was starting to calm down, her shivering abating slightly as she locked her eyes onto Olivia's. Trying to remain composed, Olivia continued to count. "Six . . . seven . . . eight . . ." Alex was starting to relax, the tension leaving her body as she went limp in her chair. "Good girl," encouraged Olivia, squeezing Alex's hands. "Nine . . . ten. It's over, baby. It's okay. I love you and I'm here."

Olivia helped Alex to her feet, wrapping her arms around the ADA to keep her steady. "I'm taking her home," she said firmly.

"Your Honor!" cried the defense lawyer. "I object to this blatant attempt by the prosecution to manipulate and prejudice the jury!"

"We're taking a ten minute recess," announced the judge, banging her gavel, and the courtroom began to clear. "You can go," she said gently to Alex, who had collapsed, sobbing, in Olivia's arms.

Olivia smoothed Alex's damp hair back from her forehead. "You're okay, baby," she murmured, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "We're going home."

Alex clung to her as they made their way out of the courthouse, through the throng of reporters calling out questions and snapping photographs. Olivia glared at them as shepherded her girlfriend to the car.

Alex was still trembling as Olivia lifted her into the front seat and buckled her in, but now wasn't the time to comfort her. She needed to get Alex home first. She needed to be in an environment where she felt safe, and that environment clearly wasn't here. She held tightly to Alex's hand as she backed out of the parking lot and started the long drive back to Manhattan.

**Review if you want the next chapter!**


	16. Chapter 16

Alex spent the whole car ride staring out the window, not moving a muscle, her face ashen. She was still trembling, and Olivia comfortingly stroked her arm with the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel, murmuring soothing words, meant to reassure herself just as much as Alex. Alex had had flashbacks before, but none this intense, and none that had lasted this long. Usually, she needed to feel Olivia's arms around her and the detective would count to ten for her, and by the time she'd finished counting, Alex would have calmed down. But this time, it had taken longer than it usually did, and Olivia was concerned. Alex needed to be home and she needed to be in Olivia's arms, and Olivia was driving as fast as she could without going too far over the speed limit.

They finally reached the apartment. Olivia parked the car and unbuckled her seat belt. "Alex, honey, can you get up?"

Alex tried to unbuckle her own seat belt, but her hands were shaking too hard and she ducked her head in shame.

Olivia sighed and got out of the car, walking around to the passenger side and opening the door. She unbuckled Alex's seatbelt for her and helped the limp blonde out of the car, supporting her with both hands. "You're okay," she murmured, kissing Alex's forehead. "I love you, baby, and you did so well. You were so brave."

Alex couldn't meet Olivia's eyes as she let the detective lead her upstairs. She flopped onto the bed and buried her face in a pillow, her body heaving with the force of her sobs.

Olivia sat down beside her, gently rubbing Alex's back. "It's over," she soothed. "I'm right here, sweetie, and I'm not going anywhere. You're my princess and I love you so, so much."

Alex's trembling gradually abated at Olivia's words and the tears leaking from her eyes dried on her cheeks. She rested her head against the cool pillow and let Olivia ease her fears.

Olivia threaded her fingers through Alex's silky blonde tresses, glad that Alex seemed to have mostly calmed down. She planted a gentle kiss on the crown of Alex's head. "Are you feeling a bit better, sweetheart?"

Alex nodded and sat up, resting her head on Olivia's stomach and closing her eyes as the detective kissed away her tears. Alex pressed the fingers of her right hand to her lips and then moved her hand forward; saying _thank you _in sign language.

Olivia smiled sadly. "You're welcome, baby." She brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead, and when the ADA yawned, she asked, "Tired?"

Alex nodded, snuggling closer to Olivia, flexing her pinky, thumb, and index finger and curling down her middle and ring finger; _I love you_.

Olivia hadn't really wanted Alex to learn sign language, fearing that it would remove the incentive – or at least, the urgency – for her to start talking again. But she needed a way to be able to communicate the most basic things, such as whether she was hungry, tired, or feeling unwell.

"I love you, too," she whispered, kissing Alex's cheek. "And I always will."

Alex pointed to herself and held up two fingers, crudely saying _me, too_.

Olivia smiled weakly, tucking Alex beneath the covers and lying down beside her. She took the ADA into her arms and held her close. "Sleep well, baby."

She waited until Alex had finally drifted off to sleep before gingerly getting up and going into the living room. She left the bedroom door open so she could hear Alex if she needed anything and turned the television on low, aimlessly flipping channels. All that seemed to be on right now were police procedurals, and she'd had enough of _those _to last a lifetime.

She finally settled down with an old romantic comedy that she vaguely remembered seeing at the movie theatre when she was twelve or thirteen.

After a few hours, Alex crept into the living room and plopped down on Olivia's lap, leaning back against her. _Sorry_, she signed, forming an S with her right hand and pressing it over her heart, rotating it clockwise.

Olivia held her tightly. "Don't be, honey. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Alex rested her head in the crook of Olivia's neck. She wanted to say something to Olivia, but she couldn't, and she hoped Olivia understood anyway.

"It's okay," soothed Olivia, noticing Alex's body tense. "You'll start talking again when you're ready."

_Sorry, _Alex signed again, ducking her head in shame.

Olivia took Alex's hands in hers so she couldn't apologize anymore. "No, honey. Don't worry." She shifted Alex on her lap. "You're so beautiful," she murmured.

Alex shook her head, and her eyes conveyed what her words couldn't: _I'm not_.

"Yes, you _are_, baby. You are."

Alex rested her hands on her stomach and stubbornly shook her head. She _wasn't_.

"They're battle scars," Olivia told her. "They prove just how strong you really are. They're something to be proud of, not ashamed of."

Alex covered her stomach with her hands, once again shaking her head.

Olivia gently pulled Alex's hands away, lightly kissing each of her knuckles before lifting the hem of Alex's shirt. Alex sucked in her breath, flinching as Olivia's hands went to her scars, but Olivia knew she had to do this. "You're beautiful," she whispered, gently tracing Alex's scars with her fingers. "You're the most beautiful woman in this entire world."

Alex's body was tense as Olivia ran her hands over her scars, but she started to relax at the tenderness Olivia was showing her. Olivia wasn't hurting her or belittling her, and she was still here. Maybe her master had been wrong. But how could he have been? Why would he have hurt her otherwise?

"You're beautiful," repeated Olivia, over and over, each time her fingers traced a new scar. Finally she finished and gently lowered Alex's shirt, pulling her back against her and kissing her shoulder blade. "I love you so, so much."

Alex curled into Olivia, trying to get her breathing under control. She was okay. Olivia hadn't hurt her and she wasn't going to. It was over.

"My sweet Alex," she crooned, kissing the crown of Alex's head and rocking her gently in her arms.

Alex buried her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, and within minutes, she had fallen asleep.

Olivia just held her. Though her right leg had fallen asleep, she didn't dare move and risk waking Alex. She wanted Alex to be in her arms when she woke up and for her face to be the first one Alex saw. She wanted to make sure that Alex knew she was safe.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

Three days later, Olivia came into the bedroom where Alex was painting her toenails with a grave expression on her face. "Sweetie," she said, taking Alex's hands in hers and sitting beside her on the bed. "I need to talk to you about something very important."

Alex's frightened eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's and she began to tremble.

Olivia sighed and pulled Alex into her arms, trying to be gentle but knowing Alex wasn't going to take this well. "Baby, I've taken nearly two months off and I don't have any more paid leave to take. The captain agreed to give me until Monday, but I need to go back to work."

Alex began to cry, shaking her head vigorously and latching onto Olivia's neck. She hated feeling so dependent – so _selfish _– but she needed Olivia here with her. She didn't know what she'd do otherwise.

"Sweetie, I know it's going to be difficult, but I need you to be brave for me. I can't support us if I don't work."

Alex continued to shake her head vehemently, holding tight to Olivia.

"Alex, I know you're not ready to go back to work right now, and that's totally okay. But one of us needs to. I've taken off all the time I possibly can and I can't take off any more. But I have faith in you. You're strong, and you can do this."

Alex's eyes blazed fire as she glared at Olivia. _No_.

"I'll call Abbie or Serena to stay with you for the day if you like. You won't have to be alone."

_No. _Alex wasn't verbalizing the words, but Olivia heard them, loud and clear.

By now, she was starting to lose her temper. She extricated Alex from her grasp and moved away. "Alex, you're being selfish. I've done my best to take care of you and help you through this, but you don't even care! I know this is going to be hard, but you need to do it."

Alex continued to cry, curling into herself and rocking back and forth.

"You need to get over it."

_No._

* * *

"_Get over it," her master snapped. "Your girlfriend's dead, and if you don't behave, you can join her."_

_Alex shook her head, rocking back and forth on the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. _Olivia.

_Her master slapped her, hard, across the face. When she cried out and continued to rock, he lifted her up. Alex screamed as he put her back into her restraints, hanging her from the ceiling by her wrists._

"_You can stay there until you're ready to shut up."_

_Her wrists burned with the strain of being tied and she continued to sob in her restraints, crying for Olivia._

* * *

Alex was shaking so hard that it was a surprise that she hadn't fallen off the bed, rocking back and forth as tears streaked down her cheeks. She was vigorously shaking her head, pulling at something Olivia couldn't see. She was having a flashback. Olivia had _sent _her into a flashback. She felt horrible. She'd never done that to Alex before, and she wasn't sure whether her presence would reassure Alex or frighten her more.

As Alex let out a bloodcurdling scream, Olivia went to her, taking Alex's hands in her own, wanting to hug her but knowing that she shouldn't. "It's okay, baby," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, honey. You're safe here. You're okay. Look at me, Alex. I'm going to count for you. Look at me. Good girl. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . ten."

Alex collapsed, still sobbing, in Olivia's arms, worn out from the physical and mental exertion of the flashback.

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head as her frail body convulsed in Olivia's embrace. "Oh, baby. I'm so, so sorry. You're okay, sweetie. You're safe."

Alex curled toward Olivia, wetting the detective's shirt with her tears. As Olivia's gentle fingers brushed her damp hair back from her face and her soft lips planted a tender kiss on her forehead, Alex began to relax. But she needed Olivia, and this was why. What if she had a flashback and Olivia wasn't here? Olivia was the only one who could calm her down when this happened, and she didn't know what she'd do without her. But then, Olivia was right. She _was _being selfish. She was putting her own needs over Olivia's, the squad's, the victims'.

But then, she was a victim too.

So she just clung to Olivia while she still had the chance.

Olivia gently caressed Alex's cheek, planting intermittent kisses on her forehead. "I love you, baby," she whispered. "You're my princess and I would do absolutely anything for you. You know that, right?"

Alex nodded into Olivia's chest, holding tightly to the detective as if she could anchor herself to her.

Olivia lay down on the bed and pulled Alex to her, gently brushing away her tears and kissing her forehead. "Shh, baby. It's okay. It's okay. I'll call the captain and ask him if we can wait until Wednesday, all right? That's probably as long as I'm going to be able to take sick leave for, but I think I can put it off until then. Would that be better, honey?"

Alex nodded shakily and let Olivia soothe away the aftermath of her flashback, even though it really wouldn't be.

Within minutes, she was asleep. Olivia just held her, stroking her hair and trying to atone for the pain she'd caused the woman she loved.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Just in case it's confusing, this chapter is from Alex's point of view. What's in bold are nightmares or flashbacks, and what comes after the line break is the aftermath in Alex's point of view.**

Tuesday night, Alex couldn't sleep. She knew that in all likelihood, when she woke up in the morning, Olivia wouldn't be there. She wanted Olivia to wake her before she left, but she didn't know how to ask, and Olivia probably wouldn't think to do that. Alex spent the night tossing and turning. She tried not to keep Olivia up because she knew the detective needed to be up early for work, but Olivia noticed her distress and pulled her into her arms, kissing the crown of her head and murmuring sweet nothings in her ear. But tonight, they didn't help. Olivia was leaving her. Maybe not for good and maybe not fully, but for eight hours the next day, Alex was going to be on her own. And she hadn't been by herself in months.

The clock read 2:57 by the time Alex finally managed to drift off in Olivia's arms.

* * *

Alex started awake to find her shoulders being gently shaken. She immediately cringed and pulled away, still in that land halfway between sleep and consciousness, but then Olivia's soft voice soothed, "It's okay, honey. It's just me. I'm going now. Will you be okay?"

Alex nodded groggily, rubbing her eyes as Olivia planted a chaste kiss on her cheek.

"Call me if you need anything, or text me, okay?"

Alex nodded again, giving Olivia a kiss back. She held up her right hand in the _I love you_ sign, and it made Olivia smile.

"I love you, too, princess. You'll be fine."

Alex tried not to tremble as Olivia gave her hands a squeeze and got up off the bed. Alex watched her change into her work clothes, but she was tired, and her eyes drifted shut before Olivia left the room.

* * *

"_That felt so good, my slave. Did you enjoy it as much as I did?"_

_Alex's breath hitched. She didn't know what he wanted her to say, so she didn't say anything at all._

_Her master chuckled, a cruel laugh devoid of any true joy. "It doesn't matter. You're here to be used for my enjoyment, not your own. I am your master, and all that you do is for me. Don't forget that."_

_Alex nodded as she knew was expected of her. Even if she'd wanted to forget, the deep incisions of her stomach wouldn't allow her to do so._

_He slammed her, hard, against the bed, bending her over it. "Don't move," he ordered, and Alex folded her hands behind her head, hardly daring to breathe as she waited for him to return._

_She winced and bit her lower lip so as not to cry out when the first lash of the cane came into contact with her back. She was so sensitive from the beating she'd received the day before, and tears began to leak from her eyes as she wondered what she'd done to make him want to hit her so hard. Of course, she knew in the back of her mind that he didn't need a reason; he enjoyed hitting her, which was why he did it._

_The second blow came, and then the third. They kept coming until all Alex could manage was a continuous scream, fearing her back might be broken, thinking that maybe he'd done permanent damage._

_After what seemed like forever, he stopped. "Get up," her master ordered, and Alex stumbled to her feet, tears streaking down her cheeks as the blood trickled down her back._

_He yanked her by her hair toward the closet, which was her makeshift dungeon for now. He pushed her into a chair and tied her to it. He held up the sensory deprivation helmet as she trembled._

"_You'll stay here tonight," her master growled, giving her one more smack before fitting the helmet over her head._

* * *

Alex woke up whimpering and trembling with fear. She began to scream when she realized she couldn't move her hands. She desperately tried to reach them up to remove the helmet covering her face, but her hands were numb. _Olivia! _she shrieked, but she couldn't tell if she'd even said the words aloud or only in her own head. And Olivia couldn't hear her anyway, because she wasn't there. She was back with her master and Olivia was dead and this had all just been a dream. She was back in her dungeon, paralyzed by ropes and terror.

_Olivia, I need you, _she screamed in her head, but she didn't dare to voice the words aloud – she couldn't.

Her fragile body shook with the force of her sobs as she tried to cry out but didn't quite manage to do so. She needed someone right now, but no one was there, not Olivia, not even her master. She was helpless, and she was all alone.

Alex tried to fight her restraints. She tried to scratch at them, tried to bite at them, tried to kick and extricate herself from them. But she couldn't get free, and she cried and cried as she struggled against her bonds. _Olivia! Olivia! Olivia!_

But Olivia wasn't there, and try as she might, she couldn't conjure her girlfriend in her mind, as she'd always been able to in the past.

**Review for chapter nineteen!**


	19. Chapter 19

**The song toward the end of this chapter is **_**Beautiful In My Eyes **_**by Joshua Kadison.**

It was only 2:00, but Olivia was already exhausted. She hadn't worked this heard in months, maybe more, and she'd barely slept last night, instead staying awake to watch over Alex, making sure she slept through the night and soothing her when she began to stir. She was half-asleep at her desk and Elliot rolled his eyes when he noticed. "Go home, Liv," he said. "You stuck it out for most of the day. Get some rest and come back tomorrow morning with fresh eyes. You're no help to anyone when you're half-asleep. I'll cover for you."

Olivia sighed. "Thanks, but I don't think the captain's going to go for it."

"Go ahead," said Captain Cragen form behind her. "Go spend the rest of the day with Alex. You did fine for your first day back, and I'll see you in the morning."

Olivia smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Captain." She grabbed her keys and was out the door within minutes.

Alex hadn't called or texted her, so Olivia assumed she was all right, but she wanted to check on her girlfriend anyway, just in case. She hadn't been alone for this long since she'd returned home, and Olivia knew that it wasn't fair to do this to Alex, but really there was no other way. She needed to earn an income to support them, and this was the only way she knew how to do it.

Olivia reached her apartment within minutes and unlocked the door, kicking off her boots and calling, "Alex, I'm home!"

The apartment was silent, eerily so, and Olivia was immediately disconcerted.

"Sweetie, where are you?"

Of course, it was a stupid question, because she knew Alex wouldn't – or _couldn't _– answer. But then she heard a quiet whimper and her ears pricked up. She followed the noise to the bedroom and gasped when she saw Alex.

Alex was lying on the bed, thrashing wildly at restraints that only existed in her head, deep cuts covering her arms and hands. She was crying as she tried desperately to get free of her imaginary bonds.

Olivia's heart constricted. Alex was still within the throes of a powerful flashback, and Olivia hadn't been there for her. Who knew how long Alex had been like this for?

Olivia sat down beside Alex on the bed and gently took her hands. Alex flinched, trying to move away from Olivia but not succeeding. Her baby blues were full of fear as she stared not at Olivia, but _through _her, and Olivia knew that instead of seeing her, she was seeing the man who'd hurt her so badly.

Holding Alex's hands tightly enough that she wouldn't be able to further injure herself, Olivia said gently but firmly, "Alex, baby, it's okay. It's just me. I'm here and I've got you. You're safe. It's not real." When Alex still didn't respond, Olivia took her chin between her thumb and forefinger so Alex was looking directly into her eyes. "Sweetie, I'm going to count for you, and by the time I get to ten, you're going to be okay. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . ten." But by the time Olivia had got to ten, Alex was still shaking in fear and struggling wildly against Olivia, and Olivia was afraid. This had never happened before. The counting hadn't worked, and Olivia didn't know what else to do. Still gripping Alex's wrists so she couldn't further hurt herself or Olivia, she took her girlfriend into her arms and applied as much pressure as she safely could, hoping to startle Alex awake. She rubbed soothing circles into Alex's back, but if anything, that only agitated Alex further.

Alex tried to kick, and this time she succeeded, catching Olivia in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of her for a moment, but she recovered quickly, not loosening her grasp on Alex.

And then Olivia noticed the damp patch on the sheets. Alefx had wet the bed. This was definitely the worst flashback Alex had ever had, probably exacerbated by Olivia's absence, and she didn't know how to pull Alex out of it.

"You're okay, baby. You're safe. I'm here, sweetie. I've got you. Nothing bad is going to happen. I need you to calm down for me, baby. I'm going to count again. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . ten . . . eleven . . . twelve . . . thirteen . . . fourteen . . . fifteen . . . sixteen . . . seventeen . . . eighteen . . . nineteen . . . twenty." Olivia was starting to panic. This wasn't helping one bit, and she didn't know what to do. So she began to softly sing, the first song that came to mind, hoping that maybe the sound of her voice might help to calm Alex down.

"_You're my piece of mind in this crazy world _

_You're everything I've tried to find_

_Your love is a pearl_

_You're my Mona Lisa_

_You're my rainbow skies_

_And my only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always be beautiful in my eyes _

_The world will turn_

_And the seasons will change_

_And all the lessons we will learn_

_Will be beautiful and strange_

_We'll have our fill of tears_

_Our share of sighs_

_My only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always beautiful in my eyes."_

Surprisingly, it seemed to be helping, and Alex's trembling was starting to abate. Olivia gently brushed Alex's sweat-dampened hair back from her forehead, and she was almost there, but not quite. _Liv! _she mouthed, her eyes wide with fear, but Olivia stroked her hair and murmured, "It's okay, honey. You don't have to say anything. I'm going to count one more time for you. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . . ten. Good girl. There you are. You're my Alex and I will always love you. You're safe here, baby." She kissed Alex's forehead. "I'm sorry I left you, honey. I'm so, so sorry."

Alex was limp in Olivia's arms, clinging to the detective with what little strength she had left. Olivia took a moment to examine the cuts on her arms. They were deep, but not nearly as deep as they looked. Probably self-inflicted as Alex was thrashing around, she figured. "Sweetheart, I need you to get up. I'm going to help you, but we need to put something on your arms so they don't get infected, and you're probably going to want to change out of those pajamas."

Alex looked down and burst into a fresh round of sobbing when she noticed her damp pajamas. She was too far gone to even apologize; she just held onto Olivia as she cried.

"It's okay, baby," Olivia assured her. "I'll help you." She rummaged around for some clean clothes and handed them to Alex. "Come on."

She put some ointment on Alex's arms and ran her a bath, one that Alex didn't particularly want, but she was too tired to argue by this point. When she was settled, Olivia left her for a few moments to change their bed sheets, cursing herself for not being there when Alex needed her most.

She returned to the washroom and helped Alex out of the bathtub, wrapping her in a warm, fluffy towel and helping her into the clothes she'd given Alex, then carrying her exhausted girlfriend back to the bedroom. "I'm here, baby," she whispered as she stroked Alex's damp hair. "I will always be here for you. I love you, Alex, more than anything in this entire world."

Alex opened her mouth to speak and began to cry again when nothing came out. She curled toward Olivia as her small frame shook with the force of her sobs.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex. "Shh," she soothed. "You don't need to say anything. You'll start talking again when you're ready, and I'm not going to push you. I love you, honey, and I will do whatever it takes to help you through this."

Alex rested her head in the crook of Olivia's neck, allowing the detective to soothe the tension from her body. Olivia was here, and she was okay.

But tomorrow, Olivia would leave once again. The safety she felt in her girlfriend's arms wouldn't – _couldn't _– last.

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

When she was positive Alex was asleep, Olivia got up and dialed the captain's phone number. When he answered, she said, "Captain, something's come up."

"With Alex?" he asked.

"Yeah. She had a flashback, a really bad one, because I wasn't there. I think I'm going to need a few more days off to get her used to the idea."

"Is she okay?"

Olivia glanced at Alex's sleeping form, her hands curled beneath her chin, taking in the deep cuts on her arms and the dried tears on her cheeks. "I don't know. I think so, but she needs me to be with her for a few more days."

"Okay. Take until Monday if you need it."

"Thanks, Captain," said Olivia gratefully.

"It's fine. Alex is the most important thing, to you and to us. Make sure she's okay."

"Thanks. I'll see you Monday."

"See you then," he echoed.

Olivia hung up and went to sit back down beside Alex, gently rubbing the ADA's back. She could feel the tension Alex carried in her spine and it pierced her own heart like a knife. She wished she could shoulder Alex's pain for her, or at least enough to make it a shared burden, so Alex wouldn't have to suffer alone.

She cradled Alex's head in her lap, threading her fingers through silky blonde tresses. "I love you, baby," she whispered, even though she knew Alex couldn't hear her. She pressed a soft kiss Alex's forehead and went back to stroking her hair, wanting her face to be the first one Alex saw when she awoke, so she would know that she was safe, and Olivia loved her, and she was here. Always.

* * *

_She was sitting up there on the witness stand, frozen, unable to move a single muscle. Her master was sitting just a few feet away, sneering at her. She trembled as she folded her hands in her lap, trying to stay calm, attempting to locate Olivia in the gallery. She raked her eyes over their audience, but she couldn't find Olivia anywhere._

_Alex tried to cry out for her girlfriend, but her voice didn't work, and there was the stenographer asking questions that she didn't understand and couldn't answer. His lips were moving but she didn't know what he was saying, and she cried._

_And then her master was standing directly in front of her, smirking. "If you don't answer the man's questions, you'll go to jail, and we'll be together again. You are my slave and you'd better remember it."_

_Alex vigorously shook her head, her eyes scanning the room for Olivia._

_Her master's voice cut into her thoughts. "She's not here and she won't come. She doesn't love you anymore."_

_Alex tried desperately to speak, but she couldn't push the words past her lips. And then the bailiffs were there, two of them, snapping cuffs on her wrists and pulling her out of the room toward the tombs, her master following behind. She was locked in a cell and he was thrown in after her, and the second they were gone, he ordered her to her knees._

_She knelt at his feet with her eyes lowered, as she had so many times before. She stayed perfectly still as he rained smack after smack down on her broken body as she cried, trying not to think of Olivia. Olivia didn't love her anymore. She'd left._

* * *

Alex was trembling in her embrace, thrashing around in her arms, her mouth open in a silent scream. Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair and tried to calm her down. "Shh, baby, it's okay. It's okay, princess. It's just a dream. I'm here and I love you so much. Look at me, baby."

Finally, Alex opened her eyes. She visibly relaxed when she saw Olivia and started to apologize, but Olivia took her hand and brought it to her lips, gently kissing her fingertips. "It's okay, honey. It's okay."

Alex whimpered and curled toward Olivia, latching onto her so tightly that the detective started to worry. What had Alex's nightmare been about? Even when she'd started talking again, she'd never told Olivia the content of these dreams, and Olivia hadn't wanted to push her. She knew, physically, what had been done to her girlfriend, but emotionally it was another story. She could tell Alex that she would be okay, but the words, well intentioned as they were, were empty, because she knew she would never be able to fully understand the extent of Alex's pain, much as she wished she could. She wished she could alleviate Alex's pain and bear it all herself, but she knew she couldn't. She wished she could have prevented it to begin with. She'd always promised Alex that she would protect her above all else, but she'd failed. And that hurt more than anything.

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	21. Chapter 21

Olivia woke up a few days later to find water seeping beneath the bathroom door. She jumped up and ran to the washroom, wondering what had happened and where Alex was.

Alex was on the ground, tears mingling with the water as she tried unsuccessfully to bail out the water splashing over the edge. Olivia surmised that she'd left the tap on for too long and the water had started to flood.

"It's okay, baby," Olivia said quietly when she noticed Alex's fear. "I'll do it." She started to clean up the washroom with a few towels and had soon finished up.

Alex hung her head as she got to her feet and started for the closet. Trembling from head to toe, she took one of Olivia's thick leather belts and brought it out to her, kneeling at Olivia's feet with her eyes lowered and handing her the belt.

Olivia stared at it and then at Alex, wondering why Alex had fetched one of her belts and why she was on her knees beside the bed. "Alex?" she asked hesitantly.

Alex flinched and set the belt on Olivia's lap. With shaking hands, she lifted her shirt and bent over the bed, waiting for the first blow.

But Olivia didn't hit her. Minutes passed, and finally she dared to lift her head. Olivia was sitting on the other side of the bed, watching Alex, silent tears leaking from her eyes as she held the belt limply in her lap.

Alex was confused. Olivia hadn't hit her and it didn't seem like she was going to. Alex didn't understand. She'd done something wrong and she had to be punished, otherwise she'd never learn. Why wasn't Olivia whipping her?

Olivia got up off the bed and went to her closet. Alex wondered what she was getting, but she didn't dare to move from her spot on the bed to find out. She didn't want Olivia to have to punish her even more.

Olivia returned carrying every single one of her belts and Alex's breathing hitched. Was Olivia looking for a different belt to hit her with? Had Alex chosen the wrong one?

But still, Olivia didn't hurt her. She picked up a pair of scissors from her bedside table and slowly, deliberately cut every single one of her belts into two pieces, and then into fourths. Tears continued to streak down her cheeks as she further dismembered the belts, then lifted them and threw them into the trash can in their bedroom. She picked up the garbage bag and carried it out of the room. Alex heard the apartment door open and close, but still, she didn't move. She just waited.

Finally Olivia returned. She sat down beside Alex, but she didn't touch her, and Alex squirmed on the bed, trying to swallow her fear and stay still as she knew was expected of her. Was Olivia going to use something else? A wire hanger perhaps? A crop?

But Olivia didn't hit her. She took a deep breath and said gently, her voice barely a whisper, "They're gone now, Alex. All gone. And you know I would never, _ever _hurt you, princess. _Never_. I love you."

Alex stayed perfectly still, not understanding what Olivia was telling her. The detective still hadn't hit her, and Alex thought that maybe Olivia wasn't going to. But why not? She'd done something wrong and she needed to be punished.

She finally dared to raise her head, and when she did, she saw that Olivia was still crying. She wanted to comfort her, but then she lowered her eyes again, realizing that she'd made Olivia cry. Was what she'd done that bad? She hadn't meant to upset Olivia. But now . . . now she deserved whatever Olivia did to her.

She flinched when she felt Olivia's hand on her back, but then she realized that Olivia was only pulling her shirt down. But why was Olivia going easy on her? She deserved a punishment for what she'd done. "Come sit with me, Alex," she murmured, holding out her hand.

Alex hesitated, holding her breath. Was it over? Wasn't Olivia going to hit her?

"It's okay," encouraged Olivia. "It's okay, Alex. Come sit with me."

Tentatively, Alex took Olivia's outstretched hand and let the detective pull her up beside her. She stayed as far away from Olivia as she could without being disobedient.

"Can I hug you?" Olivia asked softly, understanding that Alex didn't want to be touched right now but wanting to do so anyway, to reassure herself as much as Alex.

Alex nodded hesitantly, allowing Olivia to fold her limp body into a warm embrace. But she tensed as Olivia's arms wrapped around her and couldn't help her shaking.

Olivia instantly let go when she noticed Alex's body trembling. "Okay, Alex. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, princess. I will _never _hurt you." Then she stopped, uncertain whether or not she'd been doing the wrong thing all along. "Alex, what he did to you . . . that was wrong. No one should ever hit you. You don't deserve for anyone to ever hurt you, and I will never, ever do that to you."

Alex looked away. She didn't understand. When she did something wrong, or when she upset Olivia, she had to be punished, or else she would never learn. Sometimes she did deserve it. But now Olivia didn't have anything to punish her with, because she'd gotten rid of the belts, and it was Alex's fault.

She got up again, trying to decide whether she'd prefer the hanger or the hairbrush. She finally went into the washroom and rummaged around for the straight-backed hairbrush she knew Olivia kept in the cupboard. Olivia had never used it on her before, but she knew how it felt, because her master had hit her with it when she was still with him.

She brought the hairbrush back out to Olivia and knelt once again, waiting for Olivia to take it, but the detective didn't. She just stared at Alex, wide-eyed. There were so many triggers in their apartment, and she hadn't known. But while Olivia could throw out her belts, she couldn't throw out her hairbrushes and her hangers and everything else that might set Alex off, simply because she wasn't sure what those things were.

"No, honey," whispered Olivia, lifting Alex's chin so the ADA was looking into her eyes. "Put that back, Alex. I'm not going to hurt you." She didn't know how she was going to fix this. Alex's signals were so crossed right now, and she was almost as afraid as Alex was. She wanted to help, but she didn't know how. "Alex, when someone loves you, they don't hurt you. They don't make you do things you don't want to do. They don't scare you or say nasty things or do anything you don't feel comfortable with them doing. And Alex, I love you."

Alex lowered her eyes again, half in confusion and half in shame. If Olivia didn't punish her, how would she ever learn? She just didn't understand. But Olivia was saying she loved her. How could Olivia love her? She was damaged goods, and Olivia deserved better.

"Put that away, honey," Olivia said gently, urging the hairbrush back into Alex's hands. "It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. Nobody's ever going to hurt you again, Alex. Never."

As soon as Olivia told her to, Alex got up, almost robotically. She carried the hairbrush back to the washroom and put it away, then returned to the bedroom, standing awkwardly before Olivia, not daring to sit down as if she was Olivia's equal. She wasn't.

Olivia's chocolate eyes were deep pools of sadness. She pulled Alex onto her lap and held her tightly. Alex cringed, wanting to push Olivia away but not daring to do so.

Olivia gently rubbed her back, and gradually Alex relaxed. Olivia wasn't going to hurt her, and on some level she knew that, but she felt like she deserved to be punished for upsetting Olivia. She knew Olivia didn't blame her, but still, she was afraid.

Olivia kissed the base of Alex's neck. "I think the water's probably cold by now, honey. Do you want me to drain the tub for you and run you a new bath?"

Alex shook her head. She tried to get up off Olivia's lap, but Olivia was holding her too tightly, and Alex tensed. She shook her head again, hoping Olivia would understand, and she did. When she let go, Alex scampered into the living room, lying down on the floor beneath the couch and curling up on her side, wrapping her arms around herself as she cried, silently, because she didn't want Olivia to notice and ask her what was wrong. She just needed to be alone right now.

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


	22. Chapter 22

Olivia's heart broke when she came out into the living room and saw Alex curled up on the floor next to the couch, dried tracks of tears on her cheeks. Why was she on the ground? And why had Alex thought Olivia would _hit _her? Didn't Alex know that Olivia loved her, that she would never hurt her? Her signals were so crossed right now, and Olivia didn't know how to help her. She wanted to take Alex into her arms and soothe her pain, but she knew that touching Alex when she didn't want to be touched was the absolute worst thing she could do for her girlfriend. But she wanted to smooth out the worry creasing Alex's brow as she tossed and turned on the floor beside the couch. She wanted to rub the tension from her back, massage the strain from her neck and shoulders, but Olivia couldn't do any of those things. So she gently lifted Alex onto the couch and sat down on the chair across from her with a book, waiting for Alex to awake.

* * *

Alex woke up to find Olivia sitting just a few feet away and she instantly cringed, shying away from Olivia.

"It's okay," murmured Olivia, walking over to Alex and taking her hands. They were icy cold and trembling in her warm ones.

Alex ducked her head in shame. Olivia was being so good to her and she didn't deserve it. She was a monster who had hurt so many people, and once Olivia found that out, she would leave. And Alex knew that when that happened, she would deserve it.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby," Olivia assured her, kissing Alex's knuckles.

Alex dropped her gaze but stayed perfectly still, not daring to move a muscle.

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. You're safe now. I'm here."

Alex tried to relax, but she couldn't quite calm herself fully. She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and Olivia sighed, pulling Alex into her lap and pressing a soft kiss to the base of the ADA's neck, rubbing her back until her trembling abated,

"I love you, baby," she whispered. "I love you more than anything else in the whole world."

But Alex knew she didn't. She _couldn't. _And if Olivia really loved her, she wouldn't go to work tomorrow and leave Alex alone.

* * *

The next morning, Olivia gently shook Alex awake. "Baby, I'm going to work now. But you can text me if you need anything, okay? I'll be home around three."

Alex nodded, rubbing her eyes as they adjusted to the light.

Olivia smiled weakly, caressing Alex's cheek and kissing her forehead. "Okay. I love you, baby."

Alex's eyes drifted shut again. She wanted to tell Olivia that she loved her too, but she'd fallen back asleep before she could.

* * *

She awoke to an urgent knocking on the door and immediately began to tremble. The first thought that came to mind was that her master was back, but then she realized that he wasn't. He'd gone to prison. Olivia had told her so. He couldn't be out. But then who was it?

Then another thought occurred to her. It could be one of the detectives, saying that something bad had happened to Olivia. She started to worry, but tried to focus on breathing. She would answer the door and find out who it was.

She pulled on a bathrobe and tried to calm the shivering of her frail body as she padded toward the door.

Standing in the doorway was Graeme Sorenson and two men who appeared to be police officers. Alex wanted to ask them why they were here, but the words stuck in her throat. Had her master escaped? Was she in danger?

One of the police officers cleared his throat. "Ms. Cabot, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside."

Almost robotically, Alex obeyed. And the second she'd stepped out of her apartment, she felt her hands being clasped tightly behind her back and fitted with handcuffs. She tried to scream, but all she could manage was a quiet whimper as one of the officers intoned, "Alexandra Cabot, you are under arrest for the murders of Faith Jacobsen, Jacqueline Dorsen, Faye Palmer, Madeline Tierney, Jordyn Merchant, Carolyn Spyre, Maxine Colbert, Tamara Johnson, Grace Lyon, Rachel Brown, Lauren Smith, and Chantal Pierce, and the assaults of Joyce Rembrant, Clarissa Sanchez, Georgia Mendez, Stacy Turner, Arianna Chandler, Jessica Chandler, Marianna Lewis, Lorena Taylor, and Jasmine Cole. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

Her mind was racing as they dragged her away from her apartment and loaded her into the back of their police car. She was shaking so hard she was finding it difficult to breathe. She knew this day would come eventually, but she still hadn't been prepared. She was going to go to jail, forever, and Olivia would leave her and her friends would all hate her. The cuffs bit into her slender wrists and she blinked back the memories of her master's rough ways, chaining her to his bed or hanging her from the ceiling.

She rested her head on the window of the police cruiser and cried.

**Review for chapter twenty-three!**


	23. Chapter 23

Olivia got home from work to find the apartment silent. Absolutely silent. Eerily silent. "Alex?" she called, praying that her girlfriend wasn't within the throes of another flashback. She didn't know how she'd handle it if she was.

She walked into the bedroom, but Alex wasn't there. Olivia blinked. Where else would she be? She checked beside the bed, in case Alex had fallen out. She checked the washroom, then the living room, the kitchen, and every single other room in their apartment. But Alex wasn't there, and Olivia was starting to worry.

Then she realized that Alex's bathrobe was gone. Her heart skipped a beat as it occurred to her – Alex might not have left. She might have been taken. Had the men who'd hurt her returned? Had they asked someone else to kidnap her?

She immediately dialled Elliot's phone, and when he answered, she tried to keep her voice steady as she said, "Elliot, I think Alex has been kidnapped. I came home and I found her missing. So is her bathrobe, but not her clothes or her purse or anything, and I know she wouldn't have left the house without her ID or her wallet. I need to know – is he still in jail?"

Elliot knew right away who Olivia was referring to. She heard the sound of keys clicking and then Elliot said, "Yeah. So are his cronies. I don't think they took her."

Olivia scanned the apartment. "There's no sign of forced entry, so that either means Alex knew the guy or . . ." She faltered as it occurred to her, that by teaching Alex to trust again she had made a mistake. Without meaning to, she'd encouraged Alex to trust indiscriminately, to answer the door when the doorbell rang, to smile at strangers on the street. She swallowed hard. "Or maybe she just trusted him because I told her she needed to start trusting again. God, this is all my fault!"

"No, it's not," Elliot said quickly. "You couldn't have known. Listen, I'll call missing persons and have them put out an alert for her. We'll all help."

"I want to come with you."

"You can't. Someone has to stay home in case she calls or comes back. We might be jumping to conclusions, Liv. She might have just gone out for a walk."

Olivia shook her head. That wasn't like Alex. "I know, but I'm not taking any chances. She hasn't voluntarily left the house since she got back. She's terrified, El. I don't want her to get hurt any more. I don't think she'll be able to go through this again."

"We'll find her," soothed Elliot. "Don't worry."

"I can't help it!" Olivia let out a strangled sob. "I love her, Elliot. I love her so much. I waited two years for her and I couldn't stand it if she was taken from me again."

"I know, Liv. But you don't know if she's been kidnapped. She might have just gone out for a walk or something. You have to calm down."

Olivia took a deep breath. "Right. Okay. Call me as soon as there's any news."

"Will do."

Olivia hung up and started to anxiously pace the apartment, tidying the washroom and organizing their socks by colour, smiling to herself. Alex was the compulsively organized one, not her. Alex would be proud.

She jumped when the phone rang twenty minutes later and snatched it up. "Benson."

"Liv, it's me. Alex wasn't kidnapped."

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Thank God."

"She's been arrested."

"What?" shrieked Olivia. "Why?"

Elliot cleared his throat. "Apparently, that monster who took her made her help him."

The wheels turned in Olivia's head until it clicked. "Oh, my God. Alex – she – he made her kill some of the other women!"

"That's what it seems like."

"I didn't know," murmured Olivia. "That's why – that's what – her nightmares. Her flashbacks. She feels guilty for what she did. She thinks I'm going to leave her." She took a deep breath to compose herself. "I – she needs me. She hasn't said a word in more than a month. She can't defend herself! What on Earth were they thinking? Alex did nothing wrong! She was under duress. He would have killed her if she hadn't done as he told her. He controlled every single part of her life. God, El, the other day she accidentally overflowed the bathtub and she thought I was going to hit her! She brought me one of my belts and pulled off her shirt so I could whip her, and she didn't understand when I told her I would never hurt her. I don't – how can I fix this?"

"She's at the Brooklyn precinct. I'll call them and tell them you're coming."

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	24. Chapter 24

Alex whimpered as the police officers dragged her into the precinct and uncuffed her. She trembled as she was fingerprinted and photographed and locked in a cell. "You'll stay here overnight," one of the officers told her. "Tomorrow, you'll be arraigned. Do you want a lawyer?"

Alex tried to say that she did, but she couldn't speak, couldn't even move. She was shaking too hard to do anything but cry.

* * *

Olivia was fuming by the time she reached the precinct. She slammed the door of her car so hard that it shook and she strode into the police station. "Where is she?" she snapped at the first police officer she saw.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, knowing immediately who she was. "In the tombs."

"You locked her _up_?" exclaimed Olivia.

He cleared his throat. "We can't give her special treatment, Officer. She killed a lot of people."

"That's _Detective, _and she didn't do anything wrong. Take me to her," she ordered, and when the man made no move to comply, she added sharply, "_Now_."

He swallowed and led her to the basement where the holding cells were.

Alex was sitting on the dank floor of a cell, curled up in a ball with her knees pulled to her chest, rocking back and forth as she whimpered. Olivia's heart constricted. "Open," she ordered the police officer.

"But –"

"Now!"

He unlocked the door and Olivia ran to her girlfriend, gathering the slight blonde in her arms. Alex's eyes widened when she saw Olivia and she began to cry, latching onto Olivia and signing _home _over and over.

"Sweetie, sweetie, you're okay," soothed Olivia. "I'm here. I've got you. Shh, baby. It's okay." She turned to the police officer. "I'm taking her home."

"Detective, you can't do that. She's under arrest, and she needs to be arraigned before she can go anywhere."

"I don't care. Get your ADA to wake up a judge."

"No. You've had your two minutes, now go home. You can see her at the arraignment tomorrow."

Alex's sobs intensified and she clung even more tightly to Olivia, vehemently shaking her head.

The police officer grabbed Olivia's arm and yanked her to her feet. Alex shrieked and held onto Olivia as tears streaked down her cheeks.

Olivia pulled out of the officer's grasp and twisted his arm behind his back. "Don't tocuh me," she snarled, and then in a much calmer voice, "Give me one more minute." She turned to Alex, kneeling again so they were at eye level. "Honey, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stay here tonight. I'll do everything I can for you, baby. I'll see you tomorrow." She kissed Alex's hair. "Everything's going to be okay."

She left without a backward glance at the blonde who was on her knees, sobbing for her, because she knew if she did, she wouldn't be able to find the strength to leave.

* * *

Alex curled up in a ball, trying to make herself as small as she possibly could. Olivia had left her. She didn't love her anymore, and Alex understood – Alex was a monster, no better than her master. But the rejection still hurt. And now she was going to jail. Forever, maybe.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

* * *

_Alex was cuffed to the bench in the cell, frozen in terror as her master unlocked the door and came in to sit beside her. He idly ran a hand over her bare back and she flinched as his nails dug into her skin. "I knew we'd be together again."_

_Alex screamed, but no one heard. No one saw and no one cared to see as he turned her over and pulled down her pants, making quick work of her underwear and slipping a rough finger between her folds. She bit down hard on her lower lip as he moved inside her, adding another finger and then a third. Tears streaked down her cheeks as she tried to press her legs together, but with a smack to her thigh, he forced them apart again._

_He pulled down his own pants and thrust inside her as she cried, but no one noticed and no one cared. She closed her eyes, praying that he would just kill her and get it over with._

* * *

This time when she woke up screaming, no one came to her aid. She cried for Olivia, but her girlfriend wasn't there.

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	25. Chapter 25

Olivia decided as she checked into a grimy motel near the precinct that there couldn't be a God. What kind of God would put her Alex, her beautiful, amazing Alex who had never done a single thing wrong, through so much pain? She'd done nothing to deserve this. She was everything Olivia had ever wanted and Olivia couldn't bear to lose her. But these charges were serious. There was no question as to whether or not Alex had killed those women, and although she had done so under duress, they were sure to get an indictment and the trial would destroy her. Olivia couldn't let that happen.

She tried talking to Liz and Arthur, but again she was told that the charges were logical and there was nothing anyone could do. She would just have to wait.

She couldn't sleep without Alex in her arms. She tossed and turned, wondering how Alex was coping, wondering if she was having nightmares, flashbacks, wondering if anyone would help her through them. In the law's eyes, she may be a perp, but she was also a victim, and this was the worst possible thing for her. She needed stability and moreover, she needed love. She needed _Olivia_.

* * *

Alex hovered between sleep and consciousness throughout the night and screamed when her cell door opened. A police officer yanked her to her feet as she trembled and cuffed her hands behind her back. "You're going to be arraigned."

Alex stumbled after him, looking around for Olivia as she was led through the precinct, but her girlfriend wasn't there. Of course she wasn't. She wasn't coming back. Alex was a criminal now, and Olivia couldn't love a perp.

* * *

Olivia sat in the front row of the gallery of the courtroom where Alex's arraignment was to take place, tapping her foot anxiously as she waited for her girlfriend to appear. Finally, the judge called, "People vs. Alexandra Cabot," and a bailiff pulled Alex into the room. She scanned the room with her bottomless baby blues, looking so lost and vulnerable that Olivia just wanted to hug her.

But she had to be strong, so she swallowed and tried to catch Alex's eye. She could see the relief written all over Alex's face when she noticed Olivia. _I love you_, she mouthed, trying to stay calm as Alex was dragged before the judge. A young Legal Aid lawyer stood beside her, and when the judge asked for a plea, he said, "Not guilty, Your Honor."

"I'll hear the people on bail," said the judge.

"The people request remand," said Mr. Sorenson. "This is a capital case. Ms. Cabot is charged with twelve murders and nine additional assaults, and those are just the ones we know about!"

"I'm inclined to agree," said the judge. "Ms. Cabot is remanded to the custody of the state."

Alex whimpered, vehemently shaking her head and wrapping her arms tightly around herself. It was hurting Olivia so much to see her like this, and she got to her feet. "Your Honor, I'm Detective Olivia Benson, Manhattan SVU. Ms. Cabot is not a flight risk. The only reason why she did this was because she was abducted and under duress, and we've since arrested the man who abducted her."

The judge looked down her nose at Olivia. "Detective Benson, you are not her lawyer. This is my courtroom and I will not have you interrupting the proceedings." She waved a dismissive hand. "The defendant is remanded."

Alex's frightened baby blues met Olivia's and her knees gave way. She collapsed on the ground, sobbing as she rocked back and forth.

"Mr. Cravey!" admonished the judge. "Control your client!"

"Your Honor!" Olivia tried again. "The defendant isn't competent to assist in her own defence. She hasn't spoken in more than a month."

"Let the state psychiatrist be the judge of that, Detective. One more outburst and I'll have you removed from this courtroom."

Alex shrieked when she felt a bailiff's hand on her arm, yanking her to her feet. _Liv! _she screamed silently, her lips forming the words, trying to vocalize her need but unable to do so.

Olivia wanted so badly to run to her girlfriend and wrap her arms around her, holding her close and assuring her that she was safe. She knew she couldn't do that, but Alex's wounded cries and pure terror were tearing her heart out. _It's okay_, she mouthed, but she wasn't sure if Alex saw.

As Alex was dragged down the courthouse steps by a correctional officer, reporters and family of the other victims called out questions, getting right in her face. "You burn in hell!" called one woman, shaking her fists at Alex. "You killed my baby!"

Alex kept her head down as she was pulled away, but Olivia was incensed. She wanted to stand on the top of the courthouse steps and give a speech about the power of an abductor over a victim – after all, Alex was a victim too, maybe the biggest one of all – but she knew these people could never understand. So she watched helplessly as her girlfriend was cuffed and loaded onto a bus to Rikers.

**Review if you want to know what happens next!**


	26. Chapter 26

Alex was too frightened to even scream as a rough CO strip-searched her when she arrived at Rikers. She just whimpered as his hands reached inside her, on the pretence of searching for contraband, but really she knew he just wanted to cop a feel.

She was put in a cell with another woman whose name she didn't bother to ask. She curled up in a ball on the bottom bunk bed and cried.

"Shut up," snapped the woman. "I'm writing."

Alex didn't say anything, but attempted to quiet her sobs.

"My name's Jordana. You new?"

Alex nodded.

"What are you here for?"

Alex couldn't answer.

"You don't talk much, do you?"

Alex shrugged.

"I can't imagine what a goody-goody like you could ever do to end up here. What, did you get a traffic ticket or something?"

Alex buried her head in her hands and didn't answer, rocking back and forth and trying not to think of Olivia.

* * *

Being in jail was almost as bad as being in captivity. After three days, she learned how it worked around here; you want something, you put out. And even if you don't, the CO's will take what they want anyway.

She was going to be here forever, and she was never going to see Olivia again.

* * *

Olivia couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything except think of how to get Alex out of there. She knew that leaving Alex in jail would destroy her, and she needed to figure something out.

She talked to Arthur, who said he'd talk to the Brooklyn DA and see what could be done. "Alex isn't a flight risk! I'll take care of her. She needs me," said Olivia firmly.

Sure enough, a week and a half later, her efforts paid off. It had taken a long time and a lot of favors, but Alex was free to come home, as long as she wore an electronic ankle bracelet and didn't leave the city, which Alex hadn't been planning on doing anyway.

But as Olivia waited in the warden's office for Alex, she hadn't expected how hard she had taken the past ten days. She looked as if she'd lost weight, and her face even gaunter than before. Olivia could see her ribs through her shirt and Alex looked absolutely terrified, trembling in fear when she saw Olivia.

Olivia went to her, wrapping her arms around Alex, who looked so small and vulnerable in her orange jumpsuit.

Alex flinched at the gentle touch, and Olivia's heart wrenched, but she understood. The only physical contact Alex had had over the last few week and a half had been when someone hurt her. Olivia wondered what it must be like to go so long without being held or hugged or kissed. But then, Alex knew, because she'd gone nearly two years without it.

She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "We're going home, baby," she whispered. "You're okay. I'm taking you home. I love you so, so much."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's shoulders and led her out to the car. Alex sat limply in the passenger seat, unwilling or unable to move a muscle as Olivia buckled her seatbelt for her.

Neither of them spoke on the ride back to their apartment, and when they arrived, Olivia helped Alex out of the car and led her upstairs. "Honey, you can go to the bedroom if you want. I'll be there in a moment." She was trying to phrase her sentences as open-ended requests rather than orders, but Alex seemed to take them more as commands than anything. She immediately got to her feet and started for the bedroom.

She got undressed and knelt beside the bed with her eyes lowered as she often had for her master, waiting for her mistress to appear. Tears leaked from her eyes and her hair hung over her eyes as she waited in trepidation.

Olivia came into the bedroom a moment later, her chocolate orbs filled with sadness when she saw Alex. "It's okay, honey," she said softly, pulling Alex onto the bed beside her. "You don't need to kneel. I would never hurt you, Alex."

Alex's breathing hitched and she stayed perfectly still, trying not to flinch as she felt Olivia's gentle hand massaging her shoulders. She knew if she moved, her mistress would hit her, and she didn't want that, so she didn't.

"You're my sweet Alex," Olivia murmured, kissing the base of Alex's neck. "I'm here and I will never leave you again."

She pretended to be asleep, hoping that if she did so, Olivia would leave her alone. And it seemed to work. Her mistress got up, planting a gentle kiss on Alex's forehead and going into the kitchen to start dinner. It smelled like she was making spaghetti.

Alex curled up on the ground beside the bed, pulling her knees to her chest and trying to swallow her fear.

Olivia returned about twenty minutes later. She gently shook Alex's shoulders. "Come on, honey, I made you dinner. Spaghetti. Do you want to get dressed first?"

Alex shook her head. She got to her feet and robotically followed her mistress into the kitchen. There were two bowls of pasta on the table, and Alex lowered her eyes in shame. She couldn't eat at the table. She picked up one of the bowls and put it on the cold tiled floor of the kitchen, shivering as she sat back on her heels, waiting for her mistress to begin eating before she started to eat herself.

Tears brimmed in Olivia's eyes and she held out her hand to Alex. "Come on, honey. Sit beside me. I want to be close to you. It's okay."

Alex shook her head, keeping her eyes down. This was where she belonged, not at the table with her mistress. She wasn't good enough to eat with Olivia.

Olivia tried to smile as she sat down beside Alex, putting a place mat on the floor and her bowl on top of it. "Are we camping?"

Alex didn't say anything, and Olivia's concern was rapidly increasing. Alex wasn't even signing, and now she didn't have _any _way to communicate with Olivia. Not because she couldn't, but because she didn't want to.

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "Aren't you hungry?"

Alex shook her head, grateful for the out that Olivia was offering. She picked up her bowl and carried it to the counter, emptying the pasta into a container and putting her bowl into the dishwasher. She returned to her mistress and knelt once again, her hands on her thighs, bowing her head as she waited for instruction.

"Oh, sweetheart," murmured Olivia, reaching out to caress Alex's cheek. "You never have to kneel for me. You're the most amazing woman in the world and I would do anything for you. You don't ever need to feel like you're inferior, to me or to anyone."

She hoped these words were the right ones, even though she wasn't sure what has caused this regression. Maybe she had seen him in jail? Then it occurred to her – maybe she'd been raped again. _Oh, God_. This couldn't be true. Bile rose in Olivia's throat. She knew that prison rape was so common that it went without saying, but it had hadn't even occurred to her that such suffering could befall Alex once again. Her poor Alex. She didn't deserve any of this.

She wrapped her arms around Alex and held her close. "You're so strong, baby," she murmured, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "And I love you so, so much."

Alex went limp in Olivia's arms, curling against the detective, wishing she could believe her when Olivia promised that she was safe here. Nowhere was ever safe for her. She was going to be put in prison and abused for the rest of her life. She was never going to be safe again.

**Review for chapter twenty-seven!**


	27. Chapter 27

"_Spread your legs," the CO ordered. "This is a full body and cavity search."_

_Alex complied, hoping this would be it, even though she knew in her mind that it wouldn't be as he stuck his hand inside her, playing around her folds and smirking as she whimpered._

"_Come," he ordered, yanking Alex toward a door that she knew led to the basement, where there weren't any cameras._

_She cried silently as he unbuckled his pants. She feared he would hit her, but he'd done this before, and he didn't hit. He wanted sex, plain and simple. He would hurt her if he needed to, but that wasn't his main objective. He'd chosen her because he knew she couldn't speak, so she was unable to tell anyone what he did to her._

_He thrust inside her, emptying himself, and when he finished, he pulled his clothes back on and shoved hers toward her with a disgusted look on his face. "Remember what happens if you tell," he hissed, and she did. He would kill Olivia._

* * *

Olivia woke up to Alex's anguished cries and scanned the room for her girlfriend. Alex had fallen asleep in her arms, but she wasn't there any longer. Finally, Olivia located Alex, lying on the floor and crying.

She climbed out of bed and knelt beside Alex, rubbing comforting circles into her back. "Honey, what is it? What's wrong?"

Alex lowered her eyes in shame and held out her hands, anticipating the cuffs. She deserved them now, because she'd upset Olivia.

Olivia stared at her outstretched wrists for a moment, wondering what Alex was doing. Then she understood and tears filled her eyes as she took Alex's wrists and gently kissed them. "I'm not going to hurt you," she said softly; the litany of their last few weeks. She pulled Alex close and kissed her forehead, and felt immediately guilty when Alex flinched. "It's okay," she whispered, threading her fingers through Alex's hair. "I'm not going to hurt you, baby. It was just a dream." She hesitated, knowing that she shouldn't ask but needing to find out anyway. "Honey, while you were . . . away . . . did anyone hurt you? Did anyone touch you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable?"

Alex didn't answer. She burrowed close to Olivia, needing the comfort right now. She couldn't tell Olivia what had happened, because she couldn't speak, and because she didn't want him to hurt Olivia. He'd promised her that he would kill Olivia if she told, so she wouldn't. She deserved what he'd done to her. She'd caused others so much pain, and karma really does bite.

Olivia's breathing hitched. Alex's lack of response was a response in and of itself. She understood the shame that victims felt, especially if this happened more than once, and she knew how hard it would be for Alex to tell her. Her poor baby had been hurt by so many people; why shouldn't she think that Olivia would be the same? "Sweetheart," she said softly. "Whatever happened wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve people to hurt you like that. No one should ever hit you or touch you when you don't want it. You've been through so much, more than anyone should ever have to go through. And it's going to be tough, but I'm here, and I'm going to do everything I can to help you through this."

Alex lowered her eyes in shame. She didn't deserve Olivia. Olivia shouldn't be here, holding her and promising that everything was okay. Everything _wasn't _okay. She was going to jail for what she'd done. She was a horrible person and she deserved to rot in prison for the rest of her life.

Olivia gently rocked Alex in her arms. "I love you, baby, and nothing's ever going to change that." She kissed away the tears leaking from Alex's eyes like large, wet pearls and lifted Alex's chin so they were looking right at each other. "_None _of this is your fault," she emphasized.

Alex turned away. Olivia wouldn't feel that way if she knew all that Alex had done.

As if reading her mind, Olivia said, softly but firmly, "Alex, I know what you did. But I also know that you didn't want to do it and you wouldn't have if he hadn't forced you to. What you did wasn't your choice and it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you, and you need to stop blaming yourself. You're not going to go to jail, because you didn't do anything wrong. You saved yourself, and that was the most important thing. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come back. I waited two years for you, baby. That's how much I love you."

Alex knew that Olivia did love her, but she also knew that Olivia shouldn't. She didn't deserve Olivia's love. She got up and walked to the dresser, where Olivia kept her badge, handcuffs, and service weapon. She handed her mistress the cuffs and held out her own wrists, needing the structure – and the reprieve – that she knew the punishment would bring.

"No, baby. _No_. I'm not going to hurt you, honey. What can I do to make you feel better?"

Alex didn't move, continuing to hold out her wrists as she trembled in trepidation.

Olivia took her hands and tenderly kissed each of Alex's knuckles. "You're safe, sweetie. You don't have to be afraid. You're my princess and I love you," she repeated. She handed Alex the handcuffs back, curling her hands around them. "Put those back, baby."

Alex got to her feet and put away the handcuffs, then went to the corner, where her master had confined her when he was too angry to even look at her. She stood there, trembling, her nose pressed into the wall as she took the punishment she knew she deserved.

She flinched when she felt her mistress' soft hand on her shoulder. "No, baby. Here, come sit with me. You don't need to stand in the corner." She gently guided Alex toward the bed, pulling the shaking ADA onto her lap and brushing her damp hair back from her face.

Alex shook her head. Olivia shouldn't be here, holding her and loving her and telling her that it was okay. Her mistress should be punishing her, as she deserved.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead and began to sing, softly, hoping it would help.

"_You're my piece of mind in this crazy world _

_You're everything I've tried to find_

_Your love is a pearl_

_You're my Mona Lisa_

_You're my rainbow skies_

_And my only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always be beautiful in my eyes _

_The world will turn_

_And the seasons will change_

_And all the lessons we will learn_

_Will be beautiful and strange_

_We'll have our fill of tears_

_Our share of sighs_

_My only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always beautiful in my eyes."_

It did, a little. The tension mostly left Alex's body and she leaned into Olivia, resting her head on the detective's shoulder. Olivia managed a watery smile, caressing Alex's cheek and whispering, "I will always love you."

Alex felt her defences weakening, and she let herself believe, just for a moment, that what Olivia was saying might be true.

**Review for chapter twenty-eight!**


	28. Chapter 28

The reporters started coming the next day. They gave Alex no peace, calling the apartment to rant or to ask for an interview, waiting outside for her, shouting questions or obscenities in her face. The first time they went out to go shopping, Olivia kept a protective arm around her overwhelmed girlfriend, ordering the crowd to leave her alone, even as they snapped photographs. Alex looked so lost, so small and vulnerable, and she clung tightly to Olivia. And after that, they didn't go out again.

They got threatening phone messages every day, from mothers whose daughters had been murdered, from children whose mothers had been beaten, from husbands whose wives had been kidnapped. Some asked Alex what had become of a relative – as if she would know – and some were just profanity. Her trial didn't start for another month, and Olivia knew the next five weeks were going to be hell.

She disconnected their phone and posted police officers in front of the apartment to corral the crowd. Her plans for going back to work were temporarily quashed, and Alex still hadn't said a word. She still woke up every night crying, and sometimes Olivia's touch helped and sometimes it sent Alex into a flashback; it was really hit and miss, and that hurt more than anything. Alex was still absolutely terrified that Olivia was going to leave her, and she still worried that Olivia was going to hurt her. Whenever she had a particularly bad nightmare or flashback – and they upset Olivia nearly as much as they upset her – she would bring Olivia a hanger or a hairbrush or another instrument to beat her with, kneeling at her feet as she presented the implement. It broke Olivia's heart every time, and she continuously reassured Alex that she would never hurt her, but her words seemed to fall on deaf ears. Her poor sweet Alex was in so much pain, and Olivia didn't know how to help her.

She did what she could. She held Alex when she needed to be held and let her be alone when she needed to be left alone. She promised Alex that she was safe and did everything she could to keep that promise. She didn't wear a belt anymore, because she gathered that the man who had hurt Alex had worn one and beat her with it, and she began to tremble whenever she saw one. She didn't go back to work, although they needed the money, because she knew Alex needed her.

She stayed, throughout the nightmares and the flashbacks and the fear.

Alex still refused to eat at the table; she insisted on eating from a bowl on the floor, and most days, she wouldn't eat a thing at all. She wouldn't wear clothes unless Olivia dressed her and she wouldn't do anything without permission. Olivia constantly came into the bedroom to find her crying in the corner and Alex flinched whenever Olivia touched her without warning her beforehand. She still slept on the floor practically every night, and Olivia understood the shame she was feeling, even though she knew Alex had no reason to be ashamed. She had regressed so much, and Olivia wondered if she would ever get the real Alex Cabot back, not this shadow of her former self.

Two weeks after Olivia had brought Alex home, they'd exhausted everything they could think of to do inside the house, and Olivia was going crazy from boredom. It was raining outside, and Olivia lit a fire and made Alex a cup of vanilla hot chocolate, with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows as she knew Alex liked it. She brought thick blankets into the living room and curled up with Alex, holding her close.

Alex stared at the hot chocolate when Olivia gave it to her as if she'd never seen it before. She shook her head and handed it back to Olivia, who regarded her sadly. "I made it for you, honey," she said softly. "Just the way you like it."

Alex took a sip, just to appease Olivia. It tasted good, but she wasn't used to such rich food, and she choked.

Olivia took the mug out of her hands and gently rubbed Alex's back. "It's okay, baby. You don't have to have it if you don't want to."

Tears brimmed in Alex's eyes and she ducked her head. Olivia had tried to do something nice for her, but still, she didn't know how to respond. She leaned into Olivia as the detective combed her fingers through Alex's silky blonde tresses and kissed the crown of her head.

When Alex had sufficiently calmed down, Olivia gave her a lopsided smile. "Let's go camping."

Alex stared at her for a moment, not understand. They couldn't leave the house. How were they supposed to go camping?

Noticing Alex's confusion, Olivia explained, "I'll make us a tent. We can put blankets over the table and get our sleeping bags and everything. Didn't you used to do that when you were a kid?"

Alex shook her head, and Olivia smiled.

"Then I guess I'd better show you how it's done."

Alex still looked a bit uncertain, but she nodded.

Olivia held out her hand. "Come help me choose the sheets."

Alex obediently followed Olivia to the linen closet.

Olivia turned to her and asked, "Should we take the blue ones or the white ones?"

Alex pointed to the blue ones.

Olivia smiled. "Okay." She grabbed the blue sheets, glad that Alex seemed a bit better today. She had good days and bad days, and on the bad days, she couldn't stop crying and acted like she was back with the men who'd hurt her so badly, reduced to a terrified echo of her former self. But today seemed like it was a good day, or at least a better day. At least Alex had made a decision and, in her own way, told Olivia something that she wanted, however trivial it might have been.

"Would you mind helping me?" asked Olivia as she draped the sheets over the table. "You can grab the sleeping bag."

Alex located a sleeping bag and a few pillows, carrying them back out to the living room and handing them to Olivia.

Olivia smiled. "Thanks, baby."

They cuddled up in a sleeping bag that was really too small for both of them and basked in the warmth emanating from the fireplace. Alex fell asleep in Olivia's arms and she didn't have a single nightmare.

**Review for chapter twenty-nine!**


	29. Chapter 29

The week before the trial was filled with a stretch of bad days. One morning, Olivia woke up to find Alex curled up on the floor again. She sighed and gently lifted Alex back onto the bed, tucking her under the covers and pressing a tender kiss to the crown of her head. Alex didn't stir.

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her face and smiled sadly. Alex looked so peaceful in sleep, and Olivia wished she could keep her that way. "I love you, princess," she whispered, and just stayed by her side, watching over her Alex. Making up for lost time.

When Alex's eyes fluttered open, Olivia gave her a quick smile. "'Morning, baby," she said, gently stroking Alex's hair.

Alex shook her head and got to her feet. She pressed her nose into the corner and folded her hands behind her head.

Olivia sighed. "No, baby. Come here." When Alex still didn't comply, she said, more harshly than she'd originally intended, "_Come here_." When Alex immediately snapped to attention and obeyed, she felt a pang of guilt, but she'd accomplished something.

No, she hadn't. Alex bent over the bed, waiting for Olivia to hit her.

"Alex, I'm not going to hit you. I want you to get up for me. I won't hurt you, baby," she added when Alex made no move to comply. "Alex, you don't need to be afraid. I'm never going to hurt you. But you need to stop standing in the corner or leaning over the bed. You don't deserve to be hurt." When Alex still didn't listen, Olivia sighed again, resorting to her earlier method. "Get up, Alex," she said sharply.

Alex's body jumped, then pushed herself up onto shaky legs, standing before Olivia with her hands clasped. Her frail body was trembling so hard that she was finding it difficult to breathe, and she didn't understand. She'd done exactly what her mistress had told her to. She didn't know why Olivia was so upset with her. She was trying to please her mistress, but now Olivia was angry with her! She began to cry, shaking as she stood before her mistress, waiting to be told what to do.

Olivia's expression softened and she pulled Alex onto her lap. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you. It just hurts me when I see you hurting yourself like that. I love you, princess, more than anything."

But Alex knew that it wasn't true.

* * *

Olivia took Alex to see the state's psychiatrist that day and it was a nightmare. Walking out of the apartment was trying in and of itself; Alex kept her head down as Olivia hurried her into the car and started off, a few dogged reporters tailing the vehicle.

Olivia had specifically requested Alex speak to Elizabeth Olivet; she worked for the people who were prosecuting Alex, but Alex knew her and would feel comfortable, or at least comfortable enough not to get hysterical or have a flashback. On second thought, either of those things would clearly prove that Alex wasn't competent to stand trial because she couldn't assist in her own defense.

When Alex finished with Dr. Olivet, Alex ran to Olivia and clung tightly to her, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. Olivia held her close, murmuring soothing words in her ear and kissing her forehead. When Alex had sufficiently calmed down, she said softly, "Alex, honey, can you wait out here for a few moments? I want to talk to Dr. Olivet."

Alex shook her head, latching onto Olivia's neck.

Olivia gently extricated Alex from her. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, sweetie. Don't worry."

Dr. Olivet led Olivia into her office and gestured for her to sit down. "I don't know what the DA's office is thinking," she said, shaking her head in bemusement. "Alex clearly is in no shape to go through a trial, aside from which she didn't really do anything wrong. She saved herself. How can we fault her for that?"

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "This is going to destroy her, Liz. She hasn't said a word in months. She's absolutely terrified."

"She feels guilty for what she did and she thinks she deserves to be punished."

"I know. I mean, she – she thinks I'm going to hurt her." She explained to Liz about the belts and the corner and the kneeling. "I don't know what to do!" she finished helplessly.

"There isn't much you _can _do. Just keep doing what you're doing now. Make sure she knows you love her, and it might take time, but she will get better. Be patient with her."

Olivia winced, remembering the way she'd treated Alex this morning. "But this trial –"

"I'm going to strongly recommend that the state drop the charges. There is absolutely no way – and frankly, no need – for her to go through the trial." Elizabeth hesitated. "She loves you, Olivia, even though you may not see it. She's terrified of disappointing you and she wants you to love her."

"I do," whispered Olivia.

"She feels inferior, though. Reassure her that she's not."

Olivia shook her head in bemusement. "And you figured all this out from an hour long one-sided conversation with her? Did she write anything down for you?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "But her body language was pretty telling. I'm a psychiatrist, Olivia. I'm trained to spot these things." She paused. "I think she felt comfortable with me, and I think I might be able to help her. If she doesn't mind, I think it might be beneficial if she came to see me on a weekly basis. You can always come to me, too, if you think it'll help."

"Thank you," said Olivia gratefully. "I think it might help her, too. She needs someone, and I'm trying, but sometimes I feel that it's just not enough. I don't know . . . it just doesn't seem to be helping."

"It does, Olivia. You may not see it, but it does. More than you know. She is grateful, even if she doesn't know how to show it."

"No, it's not that. But – she's scared of me! I understand, I really do, but she flinches when I come close and she thinks I'm going to hurt her and she thinks I'm going to leave her and I just want to take all that pain and take it for her, but I know I can't. It hurts me that she's hurting."

"She has PTSD, Olivia, and that's perfectly understandable considering all she's been through. It takes time."

"I know, and I know this is going to sound horrible, but I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know it's not her fault, but I wish we could go out for dinner without having to worry that if she sees a man wearing a belt, she's going to have a panic attack. I wish she didn't wake up every night screaming and unable to tell me what was wrong. She never used to be able to shut up, and now, I miss that constant chattering. I would do anything to get it back."

"It'll come," Elizabeth assured her. "And when it does, she'll tell you how much she loves you and how much this has all meant to her. It really does, Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "I know." She sighed. "Thanks, Liz."

They went back out to the waiting room and found Alex curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth as tears streamed down her cheeks, her arms wrapped around herself.

Olivia was by her side in an instant and put a hand on Alex's shoulder, stopping her movement. She gently pried Alex's hands away from her body, inadvertently rolling up her sleeves in the process, and she sucked in a breath when she saw the deep incisions on Alex's arms. They hadn't been there the day before . . . had they? "Sweetheart," she said gently. "Did you do this?"

Alex ducked her head in shame, and Olivia took that as a yes.

"Why?" she asked softly.

Alex buried her head in her hands, her slight body shaking with silent sobs.

"Oh, honey." She pulled Alex into her lap and tenderly rubbed her back, then remembered their audience and looked apologetically at Dr. Olivet.

Elizabeth shook her head as if to wave off the unspoken apology and knelt down in front of Alex. "Alex," she said gently. "Can you look at me?" When Alex finally raised her head, Elizabeth continued, "Alex, I'd like it if you could come to see me once a week from now on. Would that be okay?"

Alex inclined her head slightly, and Dr. Olivet gave her a tight smile.

"I'll see you on Tuesday."

Alex's eyes betrayed her confusion, and Olivia explained, "There's not going to be a trial, honey. You did nothing wrong and Dr. Olivet is going to recommend that the state drop the charges against you."

Olivia could feel some of the tension leave Alex's body, and she knew what Alex wanted her to say. She thanked Elizabeth on Alex's behalf and then they started back to their apartment.

Olivia knew she was going to need to talk to Alex about the cuts on her arms. They looked self-inflicted, and they were too deep to be scratches. Alex was hurting herself.

Alex fell asleep in the car, thrashing and mumbling with nightmares. Olivia didn't wake her, even though she knew she probably should. It was breaking her heart to see Alex like this.

When they arrived at their apartment, Olivia woke Alex and helped her upstairs. She sat down on the couch and pulled Alex down beside her. Alex started to tremble when she saw the set of Olivia's jaw and the look of determination on her face. She lowered her gaze, but Olivia took her chin and lifted it so Alex was looking at her. "Sweetheart, we need to talk about this."

Alex vigorously shook her head. She couldn't talk about this. She would prefer a punishment. She started to get up to grab one of Olivia's wire hangers, but her mistress pulled her back down, clearly anticipating what she was going to do.

"No," said Olivia patiently. "I'm not going to punish you, but Alex, you're hurting yourself, and that scares me. I love you, and I don't like seeing you in pain."

Alex lowered her eyes in shame. She couldn't bear to look at Olivia. She'd disappointed the detective once again.

"Honey, I'm not angry with you, but this needs to stop. I can help you, baby, but only if you let me. If you're feeling sad, or afraid, or angry, or embarrassed, or _anything_, you know you can come to me. You don't need to take it out on yourself."

Alex began to cry. She wanted to explain this to Olivia, but she couldn't, because she couldn't find the words.

Olivia's expression softened. She pulled Alex into her arms and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. "Okay, baby. It's okay. I'll help you. I love you, sweetie, and nothing's ever going to change that."

Alex burrowed into Olivia, wetting the detective's shirt with her tears.

Olivia held Alex close, rocking her gently in her arms. "I'm here," she promised. "I always will be here."

Alex tried to believe her.

**Review for chapter thirty!**


	30. Chapter 30

Alex awoke to find Olivia's side of the bed empty. Terror gripped her as she wondered where the detective was, whether or not she'd left Alex, where she would have gone if she did. Trembling, she tried to hold back her tears as she knelt beside the bed and lowered her head, her hair falling over her face as she clasped her hands behind her back and waited.

She knelt there for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, she heard footsteps approaching and tensed, presuming it was Olivia but not daring to raise her head to check.

She flinched when she felt a gentle hand on the small of her back. "It's okay, honey," murmured Olivia, pressing a soft kiss to the base of her neck. She took Alex's hand and helped her to her feet. "Sorenson called. There's not going to be a trial."

Olivia could read the relief in her girlfriend's eyes and she caressed Alex's cheek, tucking a few strands of silky blonde hair behind her ear.

"He sends his apologies. The charges are dropped. I think Dr. Olivet made them understand."

Alex sighed, her body going limp in Olivia's embrace. She leaned against the detective as Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around her.

"I love you, baby," she said softly, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "I'm not going anywhere."

Alex looked at the ground. Olivia deserved someone better than Alex, someone who could love her in a way she knew how to express and someone who could treat her the way she deserved to be treated. Alex couldn't do either of those things for her. Alex was too needy. She couldn't do anything for Olivia simply because she needed so much herself. But that wasn't fair to Olivia.

Olivia noticed the slump of Alex's shoulders, the tension in her jaw, the slight bowing of her head. She always did. "Alex, I'm here because I want to be here with you, not because I have to be." She pulled Alex onto her lap and stroked her hair. "You're my princess and I love you so, so much."

Alex curled toward Olivia, making herself as small as she could, trembling in Olivia's arms.

Softly, Olivia began to sing, hoping her words would calm Alex down.

"_You're my piece of mind in this crazy world _

_You're everything I've tried to find_

_Your love is a pearl_

_You're my Mona Lisa_

_You're my rainbow skies_

_And my only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always be beautiful in my eyes _

_The world will turn_

_And the seasons will change_

_And all the lessons we will learn_

_Will be beautiful and strange_

_We'll have our fill of tears_

_Our share of sighs_

_My only prayer is that you realize_

_You'll always beautiful in my eyes."_

Alex closed her eyes, the tension gradually leaving her body as Olivia rubbed comforting circles into her back. For now, at least, she was all right.

* * *

On Tuesday, Olivia took Alex back to see Dr. Olivet. Elizabeth had explained that this therapy would be intensive and it probably wouldn't yield results for quite some time, but in the end it would all be worth it. She told Olivia that she was going to help Alex deal with her flashbacks, but to do this, she was going to have to send Alex into a flashback. She knew this would traumatize Alex in the short run, but she had to trust Elizabeth, so she agreed.

She wandered the plaza where Dr. Olivet's office was, anxiously pacing the area as she waited to pick up Alex. She knew that no progress would be made today and Alex might regress even more, burrowing further into her shell. But still, she had to hope.

Finally, it was time to go get Alex. She arrived five minutes early and tried to calm her nerves, sitting in the waiting room and impatiently tapping her foot.

When the door to Elizabeth's office opened and both she and Alex appeared in the doorway, Alex ran to Olivia and fell into her arms, her eyes red rimmed, dried tracks of tears on her cheeks. Olivia held her close and kissed her forehead, tenderly rubbing her back and looking over Alex's head at Dr. Olivet, asking a silent question with her eyes. Elizabeth nodded almost imperceptibly. "I'll see you next week, Alex," she said gently.

Alex buried her head in Olivia's shoulder and didn't answer.

_Thank you_, Olivia mouthed to Dr. Olivet. She helped Alex to her feet and led her out to the car.

She could feel the tension Alex carried in her shoulders and her absolute exhaustion. She knew Elizabeth wouldn't – _couldn't _– tell her what had happened, but what made it worse was that Alex couldn't tell her either, because she couldn't speak. And Olivia wanted – _needed _– to know. She needed to know how to help Alex, and she wouldn't be able to do so unless she knew whether Alex had made any progress or regressed even more. She knew this would take time – weeks, even months. But seeing Alex like this was slowly killing her, every day.

**Review if you want to know what happens next!**


	31. Chapter 31

Alex was exhausted. She was trying to stay awake, but her eyes kept drifting shut on their own accord. She pushed Olivia's hands away when the detective tried to help her out of the car, even though she was so dizzy that she felt as if she might faint. She ignored the sadness in Olivia's deep chocolate eyes as she went to the bedroom and curled up on the ground.

Olivia sighed as she watched Alex. Dr. Olivet had told her this might happen, that this was absolutely normal, and that she should just keep what she was doing and assure Alex that she was safe, but it still hurt.

Alex began to tremble when she noticed Olivia, quickly undressing and handing her mistress her handcuffs. She lay down on the bed, tears leaking from her eyes, and spread her legs, squeezing her eyes shut and waiting for cold, rough hands inside her, stretching her, hurting her. But they didn't come.

She felt gentle hands pressing her legs closed and pulling her upright, tender arms cradling her in a warm embrace. Alex's frail body shuddered as Olivia rocked her back and forth, but she slowly calmed as Olivia kissed her forehead and murmured over and over that she loved her, promising forever. "You're safe here, princess," she murmured. "You're always safe with me."

With Olivia, maybe. But Olivia couldn't stay with her forever, and she couldn't save Alex from her worst nightmare – herself. And Alex couldn't heal if she didn't go through this pain first. But maybe she wouldn't be able to heal at all. Maybe it was just impossible. Dr. Olivet hadn't even made her do anything particularly difficult; she'd just talked to Alex and had a mostly one-sided conversation with her, and Alex was embarrassed at not being able to respond. Dr. Olivet had explained to her the whole process they would need to go through together, and Alex was actually terrified. The process involved sending Alex into flashbacks so she could learn to channel them and deal with them. But Dr. Olivet didn't understand. Her flashbacks were too frightening to be dealt with so lightly, and what if it didn't work? What if it damaged her further?

Alex would just have to accept that Dr. Olivet knew best.

Alex extricated herself from Olivia's grasp and walked toward the corner, praying Olivia would just leave her there and not try to comfort her. She didn't deserve any comfort right now.

"Baby, you don't need to stand in the corner," said Olivia quietly.

But Olivia didn't understand. This was where she belonged. Not sitting on the bed with her mistress like she was Olivia's equal. She belonged in the corner, on the floor, in the cellar; wherever her mistress wanted to put her, because she wasn't good enough to choose for herself.

Dr. Olivet had told Olivia that she needed to give Alex some semblance of control over her own actions, and she shouldn't ever tell her to do anything, however well-intentioned. Instead, she should ask her or suggest that Alex do something. What she really wanted to say was, "Come sit with me," but she bit that back and went with the less officious, "Do you want to come sit beside me, Alex? I'd like your company."

Alex ducked her head, but didn't move. She folded her hands on her head and stayed put.

It was tearing Olivia's heart out. She wanted to take her Alex into her arms and pull her away from that corner, but she knew that would be doing the opposite of what Dr. Olivet had told her, and she shouldn't hurt Alex like that. Actually, she wanted to get rid of all the corners in the apartment, but obviously she couldn't do that. "Alex," she said gently. "I know that he used to make you stand there when he was upset with you, but I'm not upset with you. And even if I was, you're my girlfriend, and we're both adults. We can talk about these things. But I love you, Alex, and that's the most important thing. I'm not going to hurt you."

Alex pressed her nose further into the corner and her slight body began to tremble. Olivia could tell she was crying and all she wanted to do was go to her and wrap her arms around her girlfriend, but she needed to show restraint.

"Baby," she said in as measured a tone as she could muster. "Can I hold you? I want to be close to you, honey."

It was hurting Olivia to see Alex demeaning herself like this, to see Alex looking so vulnerable, so afraid.

Still, Alex didn't move.

"Okay, honey," she said gently, even though she knew this was probably the wrong thing to say. "You can come out when you're ready."

She winced as soon as she said the words and heard the way they sounded. If she left it up to Alex, she would never leave that awful corner. But she was obeying Dr. Olivet and letting Alex control her own actions and make her own decisions, as much as it hurt to do so.

She left the room, unable to stand this any longer. She went into the kitchen to start dinner, but on second thought, she stuck her head into the bedroom and called, "Baby, what do you want for dinner?" When Alex didn't answer, she amended, "Do you want pasta or I can make steak?" When Alex still didn't reply, she asked, "Honey, is pasta okay?"

When Alex slightly inclined her head, she took that as a yes and went back into the kitchen to boil some pasta. Her cooking skills honestly weren't too sophisticated; she could make pasta and meat, but that was about it, so that was pretty much all that they'd eaten for the past few months.

She whipped up a quick Alfredo sauce because she knew it was Alex's favorite. She went back to the bedroom and tried to think of a way to _request _Alex to have dinner instead of _telling _her to eat it. "Sweetie, dinner's ready. I made you some pasta. Would you like some now or are you not hungry?"

Alex stood perfectly still, not daring to move a muscle, lest her mistress hit her. She kept her eyes lowered and her nose pressed to the corner.

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Are you sure, honey?"

Alex still didn't move.

Olivia held her hand out to Alex. "I'd really like it if you came to sit with me."

Alex just stared at Olivia's hand for a moment, but she finally took it, hesitantly following her mistress into the kitchen.

Olivia set out Alex's plate for her and sat down across from her girlfriend. "I made you fettuccine Alfredo," she said, just to make conversation, because it was obvious what she had made for dinner.

Alex's anxious blue eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's. She was waiting for something, but Olivia didn't know what it was.

"You can start, honey," she said, trying to discern the cause of Alex's uncertainty.

Alex still looked apprehensive, but she obediently picked up her fork and twirled a piece of fettuccine, putting it in her mouth and chewing slowly.

Olivia offered her a tight smile and took a bite of the fettuccine herself. "Is it okay?" she asked Alex.

Alex nodded slightly and took another bite. She put down her fork and looked up at her mistress again.

"You can have some more," Olivia encouraged. "It's okay."

Alex picked her fork up again and put another piece of fettuccine in her mouth, her eyes betraying her anxiety.

"You don't have to have it if you don't want to, baby. Did I cook it too long?"

Alex lowered her eyes. She climbed out of her seat and knelt on the floor, leaning back on her heels and ducking her head.

Olivia sighed. She thought for a moment before lowering herself down beside Alex, gently stroking her hair.

Alex looked up at her through fear-filled baby blues, and Olivia tenderly caressed her cheek. "It's okay," she murmured. "I love you, baby."

She'd said these same words so many times over the past few months that they were almost instinctive, but Dr. Olivet had told her to continuously reassure Alex that she was okay, that she loved her and wasn't going anywhere. And each time she said the words, they helped, at least a little.

**Review for chapter thirty-two!**


	32. Chapter 32

_She was at the park with Olivia and the detective was teaching her how to weave flowers into a wreath as she had when she was a child. Alex was sitting on the grass, not even caring about the dirt marring her pants as the sunlight danced on her hair. She handed Olivia the wreath she'd just finished and smiled shyly. "For you."_

"_How coincidental. I made one for you, too."_

_Alex beamed. "We're twins." She leaned forward so Olivia could put the wreath in her hair and placed her own wreath on Olivia's head._

_Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex and pulled her close, kissing the crown of her head. "Forever," she promised._

* * *

Alex woke up in Olivia's arms and smiled in surprise at the contentment she felt here. She felt _safe _in Olivia's embrace, a feeling which she had not experiences in what seemed like forever. Olivia was still asleep and she rested her head on her girlfriend's stomach, trying not to cry again. Once upon a time, the two of them had been happy. They had been just a normal couple, and their relationship was quid pro quo. Olivia hadn't had to be Alex's protector, but moreover, Alex had never needed one.

She wished more than anything that they could have that life back, when they worried about cases rather than themselves.

She tensed when she felt soft fingers combing through her hair, but relaxed when she realized it was just Olivia. "'Morning, baby," Olivia murmured, her voice thick with sleep.

Alex wanted to answer, but she couldn't find the words. She didn't have any left.

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "Do you want to go for a walk today?"

Alex shook her head. She didn't want to go out in public with Olivia, partly because she didn't think she'd be able to handle it and partly because she didn't want to embarrass Olivia with her presence.

Olivia understood, as she always did. "I know, princess. I know it's hard, but I really want to go out with you today. I'm not going to force you, and it's your own choice, but I think we'd both have a really good time. We could go to Sarabeth's for breakfast if you like, and we could walk through Central Park. Remember how we used to go to Sarabeth's for Sunday brunch?"

Alex really didn't want to go anywhere, but she also didn't want to disappoint Olivia. She would rather be put in her dungeon than go out, in plain view of hundreds of New Yorkers, who would stare and wonder what was wrong with her. She was different, and like a gigantic scarlet letter, she knew they could see it.

She got off the bed and silently took off her clothes. She started toward the wine cellar, which she supposed could serve as a makeshift dungeon for now. She knelt, putting her hands on her head and pressing her nose into the corner. This was where she belonged, not by her mistress' side, much as she wanted to be there. Besides, she couldn't go out without her collar and leash, and she didn't know where they were. She wanted to ask Olivia, but she didn't know how to voice the words.

She wished things could go back to the way they were, when she could leave the apartment without her collar and leash, when she could wear t-shirts and shorts without being ashamed, when she could go out with Olivia without fear.

"Sweetheart," said Olivia quietly. "You don't have to do that. You don't have to come out if you don't want to, honey, but I'd really like to spend some time with you. You don't have to worry about anything, baby. It's okay."

Alex got to her feet. It was her job to do Olivia's bidding, so she would, as fearful as she was. She belonged to Olivia, and she would do what her mistress desired.

Olivia gave her a smile and took her hand. "Great. Let's get changed."

Olivia put on jeans and a t-shirt while Alex stood silently watching her. She didn't dare get dressed herself; she didn't deserve clothing unless her mistress decided to give it to her.

Olivia's heart constricted when she saw Alex standing by the bed, her eyes lowered, waiting. She sighed and went to the closet, picking out a sweatshirt and jeans for Alex. "Here you go, honey," she said softly, handing the clothes to Alex.

Alex averted her eyes as she pulled on her jeans and shirt. She put on a pair of running shoes and let her mistress lead her outside.

Olivia hailed a cab and Alex climbed in beside her. She waited for her mistress to tell her what to do next, and Olivia sighed before buckling Alex's seat belt for her and wrapping her arms around the blonde. "I love you, princess," she said, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of Alex's head.

Alex tried to relax in Olivia's embrace, but it was hard. Olivia was being so good to her. She didn't understand.

They went to Sarabeth's for breakfast. Olivia got them a booth toward the back of the restaurant, where they'd used to sit so long ago. She ordered Alex the four flower juice that she knew Alex loved and a coffee for herself.

"What do you want for breakfast, Alex?" asked Olivia, handing Alex the menu.

Alex didn't answer.

"Can you point to what you want?" the detective prompted.

Alex shook her head. Too many choices, none of which seemed particularly appealing.

When their waitress came over with Alex's juice and Olivia's coffee, the detective's face broke into a warm smile. "Jana! It's been awhile."

"Two and a half years," agreed the waitress. She smiled at Alex. "Hi, Alex."

Alex vaguely remembered Jana. An eternity ago, she and Olivia had come here every Sunday, for a year, maybe more, and Jana had always been their waitress. They'd always chatted with her when they came for breakfast. But now things were different. She wasn't Olivia's equal and she shouldn't be here with her.

"So do the two of you want your usual?"

Olivia looked at Alex. "Do you want the lemon and ricotta pancakes, honey?"

Alex ducked her head and didn't respond.

Olivia's eyes betrayed her concern, but she pasted a smile on her face and turned back to Jana. "We'll split the pancakes."

Jana smiled back. "Great. It's good to see you again."

Olivia reached across the table to take Alex's hand in her own, lightly caressing it. "You okay?" she asked tenderly.

Alex still didn't raise her head.

"Alex, honey, look at me. It's okay."

Alex's head snapped up and she flinched at the command. She was going to be punished, here, in front of everyone. She knew she deserved it – she belonged to Olivia, and that meant Olivia could do to her what she liked – but she couldn't quite stop the trembling of her frail body. She got up and knelt at her mistress' feet, although the floor was sticky and her knees ached.

Olivia's heart broke. "Sweetheart," she said softly, taking Alex's chin with her thumb and forefinger so Alex was looking into her eyes. "You don't have to kneel. The floor is dirty. I don't want you to get all dirty."

But Olivia didn't understand. She _was _dirty, inside and out, and this was where she belonged. Not sitting on a chair across the table from her mistress, as if they were equals instead of mistress and slave.

A few people at the restaurant were staring at Alex, kneeling on the ground, but Olivia tried to ignore their curious glances. She knew she shouldn't, but she needed Alex to get up. "Baby, we can go home if you really want to, but I need you to get up for me."

That was both the right and wrong and wrong thing to say. Olivia felt immediately guilty when Alex snapped to attention, getting to her feet and trembling even more as she stood before Olivia, her hands folded on her head.

"Sit down, baby," said Olivia, trying to be gentle but also wanting Alex to do as she was told.

Alex lowered herself into the chair across from Olivia, clasping her hands so tightly together that they turned white and dropping her gaze.

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Honey, do you want to go home?"

Alex didn't respond, because she knew it wasn't her place. Her job was to please her mistress, not herself, and if Olivia wanted to stay, then they would stay.

Jana arrived a few moments later with their pancakes. Olivia knew that Alex wouldn't eat them by herself, so she cut them into bite-size pieces and put two out of the five pancakes on Alex's plate, along with some strawberries and blueberries, and handing her one of the containers of maple syrup. "You can eat now, baby," she said gently.

No, she couldn't. Not until her mistress started, anyway.

Olivia regarded Alex with concern and slowly took a bite of pancake. "They're good, honey," she said. "Do you want to try some?"

Alex hesitantly put a piece in her mouth. Olivia was right; they _were _good. Then she put her fork down and her frightened blue eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's, waiting for further instruction.

"You can eat," Olivia encouraged.

Alex obediently took another bite and a sip of her juice.

Olivia sighed, but didn't pester Alex any further. She finished her own pancakes, and Alex put a few more pieces in her mouth, but she wasn't very hungry. And even if she had been, she didn't get to choose what she ate, what she wore, where she slept, _anything_. All of those things were Olivia's choices.

After breakfast, Olivia asked gently, "Do you want to go for a walk or have you had enough?"

Alex really wanted to go home. Everyone was staring at her. She could feel their eyes boring into her soul. But again, this wasn't her choice, and she didn't want to upset Olivia.

Olivia could read the answer in Alex's eyes. "Okay, honey. We'll go home. We did well enough for today."

Alex sighed, out of both anxiety and relief.

**Review for chapter thirty-three!**


	33. Chapter 33

When they got home, Alex went straight to the corner in their bedroom. Silent tears streaked down her cheeks as she pressed her nose into that corner, folding her hands behind her back. Olivia had told her over and over how well she'd done and how proud she was of her, but Alex knew it wasn't true. She hadn't been able to last two hours, much less than a whole day. She was so _horrible_, and she wondered why Olivia stayed.

She screamed and bit her lip so hard that it cracked and started to bleed when she felt hands grasping her shoulders. "Shh, honey," said a soft voice. "It's just me. It's just me, baby. I'm not going to hurt you. It's okay."

Alex tried to relax, but she couldn't quite manage it. Was her mistress going to hit her? Was she going to put her in the closet? Was she going to put her into her restraints?

Olivia gently helped Alex to her feet. "Will you cuddle with me?" she asked.

Alex stared at her for a moment. Why was Olivia _asking_? If she wanted something from Alex, she could just take it. Alex surmised that she was just being polite, because that was her nature.

Trying not to tremble, Alex lay down on the bed, spreading her legs for Olivia and squeezing her eyes shut so her mistress could take what she wanted.

She flinched when she felt tender hands on her thighs, but they were only pushing her legs closed. "No, honey," said Olivia gently. "I want – I just want to hold you. Is that okay?"

Alex finally nodded. If it meant avoiding a punishment, she would let Olivia do whatever she wanted.

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and kissed the crown of her head. "I love you, baby."

Alex cried in Olivia's embrace. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be here. She didn't deserve Olivia's tenderness. She didn't deserve Olivia's _love_. She was bad and she needed to be punished, not rewarded.

Olivia gently threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "It's okay," she soothed. "You did so well, honey. I'm so proud of you."

Alex shook her head. She hadn't done well at all. She wished she could just wake up one morning and be better, and then Olivia wouldn't have to punish her. But she was broken, and _bad_, and she deserved punishment.

Olivia pressed a gentle kiss to Alex's forehead. "I'll love you forever," she murmured, holding Alex tightly. "I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Alex you'll be."

But how could Olivia love her now, when she was damaged, hurting inside and out, when she couldn't reciprocate the sentiment?

Olivia took Alex's hand and pressed it over her own heart. "Always and forever," she said softly, pulling Alex closer to her.

Alex finally gave in. She closed her eyes, rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and allowed herself to just _feel_, without overthinking the situation – or really thinking at all. And all she felt was warmth, and love. Olivia loved her.

She didn't understand.

* * *

_She woke up to find the bed sheets soaking wet, with sweat and tears and – she'd wet the bed. Again. She never used to do this, but now she couldn't seem to control herself._

_Olivia opened her eyes and glared at Alex. "Only babies and _animals _piss themselves," she growled. "Change the sheets."_

_Ducking her head in shame, Alex hurried to strip the bed and put the sheets in the washing machine. She put fresh sheets on the bed and turned to Olivia, waiting._

_Olivia grabbed her arm and yanked her toward the closet. She cuffed Alex's hands above her head, hanging her from the ceiling. "Don't move," she ordered, and though Alex's arms ached from the strain of being tied, she didn't._

_She felt the crop lapping at the apex of her thighs, and she screamed as a perfect welt raised there. Olivia hit her again, and again, and again._

"_Are you going to behave?" she snapped, finally stopping the crop._

_Alex wanted to scream that yes, she would behave, that she had learned her lesson, that she would never do anything bad ever again as long as she stopped hitting her. She was in so much pain and she just wanted it to stop, but she couldn't speak. And when she didn't say anything, Olivia began to hit her again._

_Lash after lash rained down on her broken body, and at this point, she would do absolutely anything to make it stop, but she couldn't push the words past her lips, and she just cried and cried as Olivia hit her over and over._

* * *

Olivia started awake as Alex whimpered and thrashed in her arms. Then she noticed the damp sheets and groaned inwardly. This was the third night in a row that this had happened, and she was torn between waking Alex to change the sheets and letting Alex sleep a bit longer. They'd been sleeping a lot lately, actually, more often than they should have been. But sleep brought a reprieve that nothing else could, and although their dreams were troubled, they never needed to pretend. They could just let go of control.

"Baby," she said quietly, taking Alex's wrists so Alex would stop thrashing around. "It's just a dream. It's okay. You can wake up now."

Alex started awake, tears leaking from her eyes when she realized she'd wet the bed again. She cringed and covered her face with her hands to ward off the anticipatory blows.

"I'm not going to hurt you, princess," said Olivia gently, taking Alex's hands in her own. "You're safe, Alex. It was just a dream. I would never, ever hurt you. I would rather die than let anything bad happen to you. Do you understand that?"

Alex wasn't listening, though. She curled away from Olivia and buried her head in her hands as she cried, knowing that she was about to be cropped for what she'd done. _Only babies and animals piss themselves._

She got up and went to the dresser, handing her mistress her handcuffs and holding out her own wrists.

Olivia sighed. She took Alex's wrists in her hands and kissed them. She was going to start putting her handcuffs in the safe from now on. Maybe if Alex couldn't see them, she wouldn't be so afraid. "No, honey," she said gently. "I'm not going to punish you. It's okay. It just happens sometimes. Here, I'm going to put them away in the safe and we're not going to look at them again. Is that better?"

Alex didn't say anything. She just continued to cry.

Olivia took the handcuffs from Alex and locked them away as she'd promised before returning to the bedroom. "They're all gone, honey. All gone." She offered Alex a wan smile. "Let's get you into a bath, okay? I'll run it for you."

Alex mutely followed Olivia into the bathroom. The detective ran her a bath and helped her out of her clothes.

"I'm going to put these in the wash," said Olivia quietly. "I'll bring you some fresh clothes."

Alex wasn't paying much attention as she climbed into the bath, shivering as she submerged herself in the warm water. Her body was tense as she washed herself, knowing that her mistress was going to punish her when she got out. She did so as quickly as she could because she knew Olivia would hurt her even more if she dawdled.

She finished and got out of the bath. She dried her hair but didn't put on the clothes Olivia had set out for her, because she knew she would need to be naked for her punishment. With trembling hands, she rummaged around for her wooden hairbrush, but she couldn't find it. All she could find were two plastic ones, and she discarded them, knowing they wouldn't hurt enough for a punishment. Olivia must have done something with the wooden one.

She went to their closet and located a wire hanger. She was shaking as she brought the hanger out to Olivia, who was sitting on the bed, reading a book. She handed her mistress the hanger and lay down over the bed, waiting for the first blow.

Olivia's heart wrenched at the sight of Alex in such a position. She made a mental note to get rid of their wire hangers just as she had with the wooden hairbrushes. She could buy plastic hangers instead. She didn't want Alex to be afraid, and as illogical as it was, she thought if she removed the implements that Alex used to be beaten with from the house, Alex wouldn't live in constant fear of Olivia hurting her.

"Princess, I'm not going to hurt you. I promise," said Olivia, gently rubbing Alex's back. She pulled Alex onto her lap and wrapped her arms around the ADA, holding her close and taking the hanger out of her hand. "It was an accident. Accidents happen sometimes. It's okay."

Alex cried, softly, as she rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. The detective gently stroked her hair, planting intermittent kisses on the crown of Alex's head.

"You're okay, baby," she murmured. "I will never, ever hurt you, and you don't have to be afraid."

Alex tried to relax in Olivia's embrace. The old Olivia would have never hurt her, but the old Alex didn't deserve to be hurt. Things were different now.

**Review for chapter thirty-four!**


	34. Chapter 34

"Alex," said Dr. Olivet. "This week, we're going to try something new." She handed Alex a pen and a piece of paper. "I'm going to ask you a few questions, and you're going to write down your answers for me."

Alex didn't really want to, but Dr. Olivet wasn't _asking _her; she was _telling _her, and she didn't have a choice. So she nodded.

"Olivia told me you've been having nightmares. Can you tell me about them?"

No, she couldn't. She didn't write anything.

Dr. Olivet sighed. "Okay. What happens when you wake up? How do you feel?"

This was a question Alex could answer. _Bad_, she wrote.

Dr. Olivet nodded. "I know it's painful, Alex, but it's perfectly normal after a traumatic experience for your brain to keep reliving the event. What happens when you wake up?"

Alex lowered her eyes. _I get punished, _she wrote.

Dr. Olivet looked confused. "What do you mean?"

_My Mistress punishes me._

"You mean Olivia?"

Alex nodded.

"What does she do to you?"

Alex bowed her head. _I get the crop._

"Olivia hits you with a crop?"

Alex shook her head. _No._

"I don't understand."

_Not yet, _Alex wrote.

"She hasn't hit you?"

_But she's supposed to. I brought her the hanger, but she didn't hit me._

"Olivia's not going to hit you, Alex. She loves you and she won't hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt. The man who hurt you was wrong, Alex."

Alex didn't write anything. She didn't know what to write.

"Okay, let's leave that for a moment. Tell me about Olivia."

Alex rolled her eyes. _You know her._

"Yes, but tell me about her when she's with you."

Alex didn't really know what Dr. Olivet was asking. Hesitantly, she wrote, _She doesn't hurt me._

"Right. She loves you."

Alex lowered her gaze as she wrote, _She holds me when I'm sad._

Dr. Olivet smiled. "How does that make you feel?"

_Sometimes better. _Alex hesitated. _Sometimes worse._

"Why does it make you feel better?"

_Because she cares about me and she doesn't want me to be sad._

"That's right. Why sometimes worse?"

_She should punish me. I'm bad._

"Why do you think that?"

Alex began to cry. _I hurt them. I killed them!_

"That wasn't your fault, Alex. You didn't have a choice."

_There's always a choice._

"He would have killed you otherwise. You're not bad and Olivia doesn't blame you for what happened."

_But she should._

"Do you know what I think?" She waited until Alex's blue eyes flickered up to meet hers before saying, "I think that you did what you had to do to survive. I also think it would have hurt Olivia even more if you hadn't."

But Dr. Olivet didn't understand. She'd hurt Olivia even more by coming back, because she wasn't the same Alex that Olivia loved.

* * *

When Olivia arrived to bring Alex home, Dr. Olivet took her aside. "Next week, we're going to start really working on the flashbacks and trying to help her heal. It's going to be intensive, so if she regresses – a lot – don't worry. It will help in the long run. She has post-traumatic stress disorder, but if she can start feeling safe inside her own head, she can get better."

Olivia nodded, accepting this, although most of it was over her head. She held out her hand to Alex and felt immediately guilty when Alex flinched before bowing her head and taking the outstretched hand. "It's time to go, honey," she said quietly.

Alex silently followed Olivia out to the car and climbed into the passenger seat. She buckled her seatbelt and rested her cheek against the windowsill as tears leaked from her eyes. This was all her fault.

Olivia noticed the tears in Alex's eyes and gently caressed her arm. She offered Alex a smile. "Once upon a time there was a princess and her name was Alex." She waited until she was sure she had Alex's attention before continuing, "She was the kindest and most beautiful princess in all the land. Her entire kingdom loved her very, very much. Then she fell in love with a knight named Olivia, who loved her more than anything in the entire world and promised to protect her above all else. And she will."

She waited for Alex's smile, and when it came, Olivia thought it was the most beautiful thing in the entire world.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	35. Chapter 35

When they got back to the apartment, Olivia poured Alex a glass of the lemonade she'd made the day before and made a conscious effort to be positive. "I'll bet you can't beat me at chess for the sixth time in a row."

Alex took a sip of the lemonade and looked up at Olivia, her eyes questioning.

Olivia smiled. "I bet I can beat you this time."

Alex froze and immediately began to tremble. She put down her drink and knelt at her mistress' feet, bowing her head and clasping her hands behind her back.

Tears filled Olivia's eyes when she realized what she'd done wrong. "I bet I can win this time," she hastily corrected herself. "Do you want to play?"

Alex pushed herself up onto shaking legs. She saw the tears welling in the detective's eyes and took a deep breath before brushing Olivia's tears away, trying to comfort Olivia as the detective had always done for her.

Olivia gave her a watery smile. "Thank you, baby," she said quietly, pulling Alex close and kissing the crown of her head.

Alex smiled into the crook of Olivia's neck. She'd made Olivia proud, and that made her feel good.

* * *

That night, it was Olivia's turn for nightmares. She dreamed of Alex, being raped in front of her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Her sobbing woke Alex, and the blonde found Olivia in the midst of a particularly bad nightmare, mumbling, "No, not Alex. Don't hurt her. Take me instead. Don't touch her!"

Alex tried to do for Olivia what Olivia always did for her, comforting her in the only way she knew how. She caressed Olivia's cheek with the pad of her thumb and gently stroked her hair. She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to. When Olivia finally awoke, she gave Alex a watery smile and pulled her close, kissing her forehead.

"That's how much I love you," she whispered, holding Alex tightly. "And when you're in my arms, everything's okay."

* * *

Nothing more was said about Olivia returning to work. It didn't seem like a feasible option for her right now, and luckily, the captain was taking care of it. "We protect our own," he'd told her, and she was grateful.

Instead of getting better, despite or maybe because of the therapy, Alex seemed to be rapidly deteriorating. Dr. Olivet had told her this was to be expected, but it still hurt.

Alex woke up screaming nearly every night and wet the bed several times a week. When she awoke, she would cringe, terrified that Olivia was going to hit her. She would kneel beside the bed or bend over it, anticipating the blows, and when Olivia didn't hit her, she would go to the corner and stand there, sometimes for hours. Olivia had gotten rid of all her belts, their wire hangers, their wooden hairbrushes, their wooden spoons, anything else that Alex might perceive as a weapon, but it didn't seem to help. No matter how often Olivia assured Alex that she loved her and that she was safe, Alex didn't seem to believe it.

After a few weeks, Dr. Olivet started taking Alex further, further than she ever thought she'd be able to go. Dr. Olivet had explained this counting method to her, how she would need to send Alex into a flashback to help her cope with them, but Alex was still terrified. She trusted Dr. Olivet when she said it would help, but she didn't think she'd be able to do it. She wasn't strong enough.

She sat in the psychiatrist's office, trembling in fear as she waited for Dr. Olivet's instructions, but Dr. Olivet didn't dive right in. She clearly wanted Alex to get comfortable first. "So how did your week go?" she asked.

Alex lowered her eyes. _I'm dirty._

"Why do you think that?"

_I wet the bed._

"That happens sometimes, Alex. It's perfectly normal."

_My Mistress says that, but she doesn't mean it._

"Alex, she's not your mistress. She's not above you. She's your girlfriend, and she loves you very, very much. You can just call her Olivia."

_But she __is_ _better than me. I'm bad and she's so good to me, but she shouldn't be. I don't deserve her._

"She loves you, Alex, just because you're _you_. She loves you just the way you are, and she's going to help you."

Alex smiled a bit. _She says I'm her princess._

"That's nice. She does love you, Alex. You're lucky to have her."

Alex nodded.

"So let's make a deal. From now on, you don't have to call her your mistress. You can just call her Olivia. That's what she'd want. Deal?"

Alex hesitated before nodding again.

Dr. Olivet smiled. "Good. Now we're going to try the counting method I told you about last week. I'm going to count to a hundred and you're going to remember something that your master did to you." She didn't like referring to the monster that had hurt Alex that way, but that was how Alex spoke of him, and so she would too. "When I get to ninety, I want you to start coming back to me. I'll remind you if you need me to. Are you ready?" When Alex nodded, she said, "Good. You don't need to look at me if you're not comfortable. I'm going to start. One . . . two. . . three . . ."

And Alex was transported back to months ago, when she lived in constant pain and terror.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	36. Chapter 36

_It was inside her, pushing up so far that all she could manage was a continuous scream. She tried to wriggle around and dislodge the cold metal inside her, but her bonds held her too tightly._

_The blood trickled down her legs, so much blood, more blood than she'd seen in her entire life, and she thought she was going to faint. She wished she would, but unconsciousness was a reprieve her master was too cruel to grant. He stood there, leaning against the wall and watching as she struggled and cried, squirming around the thick metal rod he'd impaled her upon._

"_Just say it," he said evenly. "When you say it, you can get up."_

_Alex shrieked as the rod pushed even further into her, the pain so intense that she didn't think she'd be able to bear it. She wanted to say the words, obscene as they were, just so he would let her up. But she couldn't push them past her lips, and all she could do was scream as tears streaked down her cheeks and blood poured down her thighs from inside her, and she wondered if she might die from the blood loss. _

_She squirmed ferally and pleaded with her master with her eyes, to please let her go, to please take her off this horrid torture device. It was so thick and so hard, stretching her and tearing inside her, pushing into her. Her arms were bound over her head so she couldn't get away, and begged him with those beautiful blue eyes to have mercy, but it would do her no good. Her master was never merciful, and though her eyes could melt a heart of ice, stone will never crumble._

"_Tell me how evil your girlfriend is," he ordered, crossing his arms over his chest._

_Alex would have said it, really, she would have if she'd been able to. She would have said anything at this point, just so he would let her go. But her voice didn't work anymore._

"_You have thirty seconds."_

_She shrieked even more loudly as she burst into a fresh round of sobbing, her eyes pleading with him to please, please let her up, promising that he could do to her whatever he wanted as long as it wasn't this._

"_Too late." His lips quirked up into a sneer. "You'll stay here tonight. Maybe by morning you'll have learned your lesson."_

_Alex continued to yell and squirm, although she knew that resistance was futile. She wouldn't be able to break free, and she could feel her insides tearing with the force of the metal. Her struggling only pushed the rod further into her, and that made it hurt more. Her only hope was if her master decided to be merciful and let her go, but of course he wouldn't. He was a cruel, sadistic, heartless man, and he would never take mercy on her. Her fear and pain only gave him more pleasure._

Olivia, _she silently prayed. _Please, Liv, take me away from here. Take me away. Take me away. Take me away.

* * *

". . . 99 . . . 100." Dr. Olivet's steady voice pulled Alex back to reality.

She was panting as if she'd just run a marathon, trembling as silent tears streaked down her cheeks. She tried to calm herself. She was safe, in Dr. Olivet's office. She wasn't back with her master. He was in jail and she was here.

"It was a bad one, huh?" said Dr. Olivet gently.

Alex nodded, curling up in a ball as she cried.

"That happens sometimes, Alex. Your brain's blocked out the memory because it's so painful, but when we trigger it, we're showing your brain that it's strong enough to overcome the memory. You did so well, and Olivia's going to be really proud of you when we tell her."

Alex wrapped her arms around herself as she knew Olivia would do for her if she was here. She needed the comfort right now. She needed to be in Olivia's arms, letting the detective soothe away her residual terror and assure her that she was okay.

Dr. Olivet waited patiently for Alex's shaking to mostly subside before saying as kindly as she could, "Alex, can you tell me what just happened?"

Alex shook her head. She couldn't. It was the most painful, shameful thing her master had done to her, and she couldn't tell anyone about it. She shuddered when she remembered the pain once again, feeling it deep inside her. She'd forgotten – or at least, she'd tried to. She'd tried to forget how she'd prayed for Olivia to come and take her to heaven and how she felt like she was going to die, and how every single minute, she wished she would. She'd tried to forget how when he finally let her up the next morning, she didn't stop bleeding for three full days, and drifted in and out of consciousness when the pain became too intense. She'd tried to forget how torn up her insides had been and how much it hurt when he raped her afterward, but he offered her no reprieve, continuing to abuse her no matter how loudly she screamed. Her struggling never did her any good, so she didn't, because she didn't want him to punish her further.

"Alex." Dr. Olivet's calm voice startled her and helped her push away the pain and the fear overwhelming her senses. "Alex, what did you remember when I was counting through the twenty's? Write it down for me, please."

With quivering hands, she took the pen from Dr. Olivet. _My Master hurt me_, she wrote, salty tears dripping onto the page.

Dr. Olivet regarded her with sadness, but she wasn't about to offer Alex an out. "How did he hurt you?" she prompted.

Alex dropped her gaze. _I was bad._

Dr. Olivet slowly nodded. "What did you do?"

More tears welled in Alex's eyes. _I don't know._

"Then why do you say you were bad?"

_Because he hurt me so much but he wouldn't let me die._

"Did you want to?"

Alex quickly nodded, then her frightened blue eyes flickered up to meet Dr. Olivet's, waiting for the psychiatrist's reaction.

"What he did to you wasn't your fault, Alex. He didn't do it because you did anything wrong. He did it because he was a sick, sick man, and it had nothing to do with you." She waited a beat before repeating, "How did he hurt you?"

_He told me to say Olivia was evil. I couldn't._

Dr. Olivet nodded understandingly. "And then what?"

Alex burst into a fresh round of sobbing. _He hung me from the ceiling and. _She stopped and took a deep breath before steeling herself and continuing. _He put me on the rod._

"What's the rod?" asked Dr. Olivet.

Alex was starting to get frustrated. She was too ashamed to say it, but she knew she had to. _He put it inside me._

"He put a rod into your vagina?"

Alex flushed, ducking her head in humiliation and nodding. _He left me there, _she wrote as more tears spilled down her cheeks. _All night. It hurt so much and there was so much blood and I just wanted to die but he wouldn't let me and – _She stopped, unable to continue.

"It's okay," said Dr. Olivet gently. "He can't hurt you anymore."

Alex buried her head in her hands as her frail body shook with silent sobs. All she wanted right now was Olivia, for the detective to be here with her, holding her and promising forever. But she needed to get through this before she could see Olivia again. Olivia wanted her to do this, so she would.

Dr. Olivet's steady voice broke into her thoughts once more. "You did really well, Alex. I know it's painful and I know that was very, very difficult for you, but you did it. You're very brave. It's going to take awhile, but this is going to help you. You were strong and you showed your brain that you can handle what it's trying to repress. It can't hurt you anymore." When Alex looked up at her, she explained, "If this memory ever comes up and you have a flashback, you can think back to right now. Something traumatic happened to you, but you turned it off. You can remember being here, in this office, and you were safe. When you have a flashback, Olivia counts for you like I did today, right?" When Alex nodded, she continued, "You'll be able to pull yourself out of it, Alex. You did such a good job today, and now I think it's time for you to go home."

Alex nodded fervently, wanting to see Olivia more than anything else in the entire world. She needed her girlfriend now.

* * *

Olivia looked up when Alex barreled toward her, catching her in a tight embrace and holding on for dear life.

"Hey, Alex," said Olivia gently, stroking Alex's hair and kissing the remnants of tears from her eyes. "I love you, baby." She looked up at Dr. Olivet with questions written in her eyes.

"She did well," said Dr. Olivet quietly. "Very well. We triggered a very traumatic memory, though. She needs you to be there for her tonight. She's in a vulnerable place right now, so let her tell you what she needs." She didn't even mind speaking in front of Alex, because the ADA was too far gone to listen to anything she was saying.

"I'm proud of you, baby," said Olivia, holding Alex close. "You're so strong. You did so, so well."

Alex clung to Olivia like a lifeline, burying her head in the detective's shoulder as she cried.

"You're okay," Olivia murmured, rubbing Alex's back. "I love you, sweetie. You were very, very brave."

Alex nodded into Olivia's shoulder and let the detective lead her to the car. Everything was okay. They were going home.

**Review for chapter thirty-seven!**


	37. Chapter 37

Olivia watched Alex carefully as she drove back to their apartment. Her girlfriend was squeezing her hand so hard that she left little crescent moons imprinted on Olivia's palm, but the detective didn't ask her to let go. She knew Alex needed the comfort right now. "I love you, princess," she said gently, smiling at Alex.

Alex held up the hand that wasn't holding Olivia's, signing _I love you_ back.

Olivia smiled. This was the first time in weeks that Alex had actually initiated communication with her, albeit through sign language. But today must have really been the turning point for them, and Olivia couldn't even begin to express how happy that made her. "I'm really proud of you, Alex."

Alex was still a bit fearful in the wake of the most intense flashback she'd ever experienced, but she knew this was the first step to healing and she had to do it. She tried to calm down and let herself believe Olivia.

When they got home, she was still feeling so much shame from what had been done to her, and all she wanted was to go to the corner and be alone, where no one could see her when she cried. But she'd promised Dr. Olivet that she'd remember Olivia wasn't her mistress and they were equals, and that Olivia loved her and wanted to help. So instead of going to her corner, she curled up on Olivia's lap, accepting the comfort and tenderness Olivia was offering and allowing herself to believe that she deserved it.

Olivia was so relieved that Alex was allowing herself to be soothed, that she was letting Olivia close to her, and that she wasn't punishing herself for something that wasn't her fault. She hadn't gone straight to the corner and she hadn't knelt at Olivia's feet, as she had every other time they returned from Dr. Olivet's. She was sitting with Olivia and accepting the detective's love. Olivia was so proud of her.

She brushed a few strands of stray blonde hair back from Alex's face and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. They shared a smile, and then Olivia said quietly, "Once upon a time, there was a princess named Alex. She was the bravest princess in the entire world. There was an evil dragon who breathed fire and was threatening the kingdom, but Princess Alex fought him, and she won. She protected herself and her entire kingdom, and she was so, so strong."

Alex leaned back against Olivia and smiled slightly. Olivia really did love her, and she'd done well today, so well. Maybe she did deserve Olivia's praise, Olivia's love. For now, anyway.

* * *

The next week, Alex went back to Dr. Olivet's. She was a bit apprehensive about doing so, but she knew that if she wanted to get better, if she wanted to deserve Olivia's love, she would have to go. She knew she was going to have to have another flashback today and it was going to be painful, but she had to do this. So she put on a brave face and tried to be the ice princess she had been so long ago as she kissed Olivia goodbye.

Dr. Olivet gave her a smile as she led Alex into the office and gestured for her to sit down. "So how are you feeling, Alex?"

Alex shrugged, waiting expectantly for Dr. Olivet to hand her a pen and paper, and the psychiatrist obliged. _Okay_, she wrote.

"Did you keep the promise you made me last week?"

It took a moment for Alex to remember what the promise she'd made even was, but then she nodded.

Dr. Olivet smiled. "Good. So what happened when you got home last week?"

Alex smiled back, because she was proud of herself. _Olivia said she was proud of me. She held me. She said she loved me, and I told her I loved her too. Like this. _She showed Dr. Olivet how to say _I love you _in sign language.

"That's great, Alex. I'm really proud of you. You did well."

Alex beamed, a warmth igniting inside her at the praise. She liked being able to go through with this, because as much pain as she was in, the people around her were proud of her. That made it worth it.

"Do you think you're ready to try again today?"

Alex hesitated for just a moment before nodding.

"Okay. We're going to do the same thing that we did last week. I'm going to count for you, and you're going to think of something your master did to you. When I get to ninety, you're going to start to come back to me. I'll remind you if you need me to. Are you ready?"

Alex nodded again.

"Okay. I'm going to start counting now. One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . ."

* * *

_Alex whimpered as he thrust roughly inside her, biting down hard on her bottom lip to stifle her scream. She pulled at the handcuffs that bound her to the bed, but to no avail. She begged him with her eyes, pleading with him to stop, but he didn't. And as he emptied himself inside her, she couldn't help but jerk slightly to the side. It did her no good, but he noticed anyway._

"_You're going to be punished for that," snapped her master, raising his hand and smacking her hard across the face. She cried out involuntarily and he yanked tightly on a clump of her hair. He'd made her crop it short just the other day, because he'd noticed how she used to thread her fingers through her hair every night before bed, pretending it was Olivia's gentle hands stroking her hair._

_He flipped her over, bending her over the bed. Alex's arms ached with the strain, but she knew that was going to be the least of her worries once her master started laying into her._

_She shrieked as she felt the bullwhip slice into her back. It was her master's new toy, given to him by one of his friends right in front of her. He'd invited this friend over and let him have his turn with Alex. Her restraints had held her tightly, but when he'd pushed inside her, she'd tried to squirm away. He'd taken his whip and brought it down across Alex's stomach, leaving an angry red stripe in its wake. He'd offered the bullwhip to her master like a gift. "Use it when your sweet little slave gets out of hand," he'd said, licking his lips. Alex had flinched, but stayed still, because she knew it was expected of her._

_Her master hit her again and she felt blood trickling down her bare back. He rained blow after blow down on her poor, sensitive skin, and soon her back was a mess of deep red welts._

_"Olivia," she said silently. "Please, help me! I'm going to die!"_

_"You won't die," the Olivia in her head soothed. "You're not going to die. You're going to be okay. You're strong, baby, and you're going to get through this. I love you very, very much, and I'm so proud of you."_

_"It hurts!"_

_"I know, honey. I know it does. But you've got to hold on for me."_

_And Alex knew she'd do anything for Olivia._

_Her frail body shook with silent sobs as her master continued to hit her, but no matter how much it hurt, she didn't scream. She couldn't disappoint Olivia._

* * *

"Look at me, Alex," said Dr. Olivet, the change in tempo startling Alex out of the flashback. "95 . . . 96 . . . 97 . . . 98 . . . 99 . . . 100. You're okay. Look at me. It's over."

Alex's small frame shook with the force of her sobs as the remnants of the flashback slipped from her mind.

"It's okay," soothed Dr. Olivet. "You did a good job, Alex. I'm proud of you."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded, folding her hands and trying to calm herself. She was okay. It was over.

"What did you remember, Alex?" asked Dr. Olivet gently.

Alex closed her eyes and then opened them again. _I talked to Olivia, _she wrote.

"What do you mean?"

_When he was hurting me, I thought of Olivia. She helped me. She would tell me that it was okay and that she still loved me. She would tell me I was beautiful._

"Does she still?"

_Always. But she's seen my scars. I'm __not__ beautiful._

"Alex, your scars don't make you who you are. Olivia sees the real beauty in you. You're lucky to have her."

Alex bowed her head and nodded. _She says they're battle scars. She says they make her even more proud of me._

Dr. Olivet smiled, then prompted, "What else did you remember?"

Silent tears leaked from Alex's eyes as she wrote, _I couldn't stay still when my Master was _– she swallowed hard – _raping me. I squirmed. I didn't mean to, but he got angry. He whipped me._

"What did he use to hit you?"

Alex dropped her gaze. _Bullwhip_, she wrote.

"He hit you with a _bullwhip_?"

Alex nodded, blushing.

"It wasn't your fault, Alex. No matter what, you didn't deserve what he did to you."

Alex buried her head in her hands. On some level, she knew that, but she was still ashamed.

Dr. Olivet took pity on her. "I think we're done for today. Olivia's waiting."

Alex ran out to the waiting room where Olivia was sitting and reading the newspaper. She climbed onto Olivia's lap and wrapped her arms around the detective's neck, clinging to her like a lifeline.

Olivia gave her a smile and gently stroked her hair. "Hey, Alex. How are you feeling?"

Alex curled further into Olivia and the detective pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head.

"She did really well," said Dr. Olivet. "We recovered a pretty traumatic memory, but she'll be okay."

Olivia smiled at Alex. "I'm proud of you, princess. You're so brave and I'm so lucky to have you." She caressed Alex's cheek. "You're beautiful, inside and out."

**Review for chapter thirty-eight!**


	38. Chapter 38

Slowly but surely, the therapy was helping. Alex didn't have nightmares nearly as often, and she could get through her flashbacks if Olivia counted for her. Dr. Olivet had explained how it worked; she was creating new associations with the memories so they wouldn't be as scary. Gradually, it was working. She hadn't wet the bed in weeks now. She was getting better.

Olivia watched her in wonder as she started to become more self-reliant, even going grocery shopping by herself one day and surprising Olivia with a candlelit dinner. But still, she didn't speak. There were so many things Olivia wanted to ask her, but she knew Alex better than Alex knew herself, and she already knew all the answers.

_Why did you used to have a blanket instead of a stuffed animal?_

"Because you protect stuffed animals and blankets protect you."

_Why do wear socks to bed?_

"Because my feet get cold."

_Why don't you put barrettes in your hair?_

"Because it's too expensive to buy a pair to match every outfit and I wouldn't wear them if they didn't match."

_Why do you wear your watch on your right hand now instead of your left?_

"Because there's a scar on my right wrist from the handcuffs he used to put me in and I don't want anyone to see it."

_Why won't you wear onyxes or rubies?_

"Because black is darkness and red is blood."

The answers to the rest of the questions, she didn't want to know.

* * *

A few weeks after the initial counting session, they recovered another, more painful memory.

* * *

_She was kneeling on the cold, dirty floor, her eyes lowered, but she didn't dare raise her head, because she knew her master would hit her if she did. She ignored the wounded cries of the girl, who couldn't have been more than eight or nine, that he was raping and went somewhere else her mind, where all that existed was her and Olivia, where they spent their days playing chess and walking through Central Park, skiing and swimming and riding their bikes, smiling and laughing and falling asleep in each other's arms._

_"So, Alex, what's the first meal you're going to have when you get out of here?" __asked the Olivia in her head._

_Alex thought about it. "__Fettuccine Alfredo!"_ _she answered._

_Her master's voice cut into her thoughts. "She was trying to run," he growled, handing Alex the whip he'd used on her just hours before. "Punish her."_

_Alex winced at the tenderness in her own back and thighs. She knew how the bullwhip felt and she knew it would really damage the little girl in front of her. Olivia wouldn't want her to hurt this child, so she shook her head. She wouldn't do it._

_Her master's eyes widened in anger. "Stand up," he snapped._

_Alex pushed herself up onto shaking legs. She forced herself to stand straight, but she couldn't quite stop her body from trembling._

"_Against the wall," her master ordered._

_The little girl's cries echoed counterpoint to her own as the whip sliced into her back, leaving angry red welts in its wake._

_After what seemed like an eternity, he stopped. "When you don't do what I say, whatever I ordered you to do will be done to you," he proclaimed. He handed Alex the gun. "Kill her."_

_Squeezing her eyes shut, she pulled the trigger. Olivia wouldn't want her to kill a child, but she also wouldn't want Alex to kill herself. She'd told Alex so many times that her survival was the most important thing, so she would do what she had to do to make Olivia proud of her._

* * *

"96 . . . 97 . . . 98 . . . 99 . . . 100," finished Dr. Olivet. When she saw how badly Alex was shaking and the tears leaking from her eyes, she said, "That was a really scary one, huh?"

Alex nodded.

"Can you tell me about it?"

_My Master made me kill a little girl, _she wrote. _The first one. He told me to whip her and I said I wouldn't, and then he whipped me, and he said if he told me to do something and I didn't do it, he would do it to me. Then he told me to kill her, so I did. _She began to cry again. _I didn't want to, but Olivia told me that I had to survive, no matter what._

"Olivia told you that?"

Alex shook her head. _I pretended she did._

Dr. Olivet nodded, then glanced at the clock. "Alex, we have a few minutes left, so I actually wanted to talk to you about something else. Do you know why you stopped speaking?"

Alex didn't understand what Dr. Olivet was asking, so she just shrugged.

"Sometimes when we go through something really traumatic, our brain copes with this by shutting down. It thinks that it can protect you by turning off the functions that allow you to speak. But you know what? I think you're ready to start talking again."

Alex's eyes betrayed her fear. She hadn't said a word in months and she didn't know if she could. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to speak again.

"It's okay if you can't do it today, Alex, but I believe in you. I think you can. I want you to try for me."

Alex vigorously shook her head. She was too scared.

"I won't be upset if you can't do it, but I do want you to try. It's okay."

Alex swallowed and shook her head again.

"What are you afraid of?"

That was a good question, and she didn't know the answer. "I don't know." She hadn't realized that she'd said the words aloud until she saw the surprise and then the contentment on Dr. Olivet's face.

"Good job! See, you did it. That wasn't too difficult, was it?"

Alex's face spread into a wide grin. "I did it!" She clapped her hands, giddy with excitement. "I did it!"

"You're doing so well, Alex. It might come in chunks sometimes, but you _can _talk."

Alex beamed and she nodded triumphantly.

"Let's make a deal. Tonight, I want you to say something to Olivia, okay? She'll be so happy to hear you speak again. She's going to be really proud of you."

Alex looked a bit uncertain, but she nodded. "Okay," she said softly.

* * *

This time when Alex came out of Dr. Olivet's office, she didn't run right to Olivia. She looked a bit uncertain as she walked toward her, hesitating with each step.

"Tonight, Alex, okay?" said Dr. Olivet.

Alex nodded as Olivia wrapped her arms around her shoulders. "What does she want you to do tonight, baby?" she asked, fully expecting Alex to ignore the question.

But Alex looked right at Olivia and opened her mouth. "She wants."

Olivia held her breath. There was Alex's beautiful voice, the sweetest sound in the whole wide world, and she hardly dared to voice her next question, lest the gift she'd been given disappear. "What does she want, princess?"

Alex smiled shyly, intertwining her fingers with Olivia's. "This."

**Review for chapter thirty-nine!**


	39. Chapter 39

That night, Alex woke up to find Olivia tossing and turning, mumbling, "No. Let her go. Not Alex. Don't – please don't hurt her – don't touch her! Not Alex!"

A pang of guilt surged through Alex when she realized that Olivia was dreaming about her. "Livvy," she whispered, doing her best to comfort the detective. She kissed Olivia's cheek. "Wake up, Liv. It's okay."

Olivia startled awake, but her face relaxed when she saw Alex. She smiled wanly and gestured for Alex to lie down. "It _is _okay," she agreed when Alex rested her head on her shoulder. "I love hearing your beautiful voice."

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia. "I'm okay."

"I know, baby, and I'm so, so proud of you. I admire you so much, Alex. You're so brave. And I love you so, so much."

Alex smiled as she curled closer to Olivia. "You're so good to me," she murmured.

"You deserve it, honey," said Olivia gently, running a hand through Alex's hair. "You've been through so much, and you're still so strong, so beautiful. You are, Alex. You're the most beautiful woman in the entire world and I'm so lucky to have you. You're a gift sent straight from an angel."

Alex beamed, relaxing at Olivia's praise and the rhythmic stroking of her hair. "I thought you didn't believe in that."

"I have to. Otherwise how would you be here? _You _are an angel."

Alex shook her head. "You're _my _angel."

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "I don't know what changed, but you seem so much better tonight. I'm so, so happy you're talking again, baby. I missed that sweet voice so much."

Alex hesitated. "Liv?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"You can go back to work tomorrow," she said in a small voice.

Olivia smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling better, but I still think I'm going to wait a few days. Maybe on Monday. How does that sound?"

"Good," agreed Alex as Olivia gently rubbed her back. They lay in silence for a few moments before Alex said, "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to tell you something."

Olivia could tell by her serious tone exactly what Alex wanted to tell her. "We don't have to talk about this tonight, honey. We can wait a bit longer, until you're comfortable, whenever that is."

Alex shook her head. "I'm comfortable now. I mean – I'm feeling brave tonight. And I want you to know."

"Okay. I'm always here to listen, baby. Whenever you're ready."

Alex was actually surprised at her own stamina. She'd talked more in these past few hours than she had in the past two _years_. Dr. Olivet had told her that this would be a process, but now that she had her voice back, she wanted to take full advantage and make up for lost time. But she found that what she really wanted to tell Olivia wasn't all the gruesome details – at least, not right this very moment. "You saved me," she said simply, an expression that could only be described as infinite adoration in her baby blues.

Tears glittered in Olivia's deep chocolate eyes like tiny jewels. "How's that, honey?"

"When my Master was hurting me, I thought of you, and what you'd say to me. That gave me strength." She smiled a bit. "You always told me that you loved me and that I was beautiful no matter what my Master did to me."

"Oh, baby, you _are _beautiful and I _do _love you. And Alex, he's not your Master," said Olivia quietly. "He's a monster. You don't belong to him, baby. He can't hurt you anymore, and he won't have any control over you unless you give it to him."

"It's hard," whispered Alex, burrowing closer to Olivia. "How did – how did you get away?"

"They left me alone," she replied. "But they didn't close the door all the way. I managed to free myself from the chains and I tried to come find you but there was just a hallway with so many doors and I didn't know where you were, and all the doors were locked anyway. I thought I'd come back for you, but we couldn't find where they were keeping you. I'm so sorry, honey. I would never have left you if I'd known."

"It's okay," murmured Alex. "It's not your fault. It's my Mast – it's _his_ fault." Tears shimmered in her bottomless blue eyes as she asked, "Why did he have to choose _me_? He – he said I was beautiful but he was going to make me ugly, so ugly, but why?"

"You're not ugly, baby. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world. He was a sick man, and nothing he did to you was your fault."

"I know." Alex swiped at her tears. "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for letting me talk to you about . . . this."

"Any time, baby. I'm always here to listen, whenever you need to talk. I'll always be here for you."

Alex smiled wanly, snuggling closer to the detective. "I know."

**Review for chapter forty!**


	40. Chapter 40

Alex soon drifted into a deep, untroubled slumber. Olivia, though, couldn't sleep herself. She marveled at how much progress her girlfriend had made in just one day. Alex was getting better, and it was Olivia who couldn't keep up. She hadn't expected Alex to make such a huge leap in such a short time and to be honest, she wasn't sure if she was ready. She knew that even _considering _delaying Alex's progress was selfish and destructive, but it was almost like sending your child off to kindergarten for the first time; knowing they would be on their own, in a way, and not knowing if you'd be able to bear it. Olivia would be here for her as much as she could be, but she couldn't shoulder all of Alex's pain for her, as much as she wished she could.

She gently stroked Alex's hair, lightly enough that Alex didn't stir. "I love you, baby," she whispered. "And I'm so, so proud of you."

* * *

"_Come on!" called Olivia, laughing as she pulled Alex after her._

_Alex giggled as she ran across the endless expanse of green with Olivia. "You know, we're going to get lost."_

_Olivia kissed Alex's fingertips. "How romantic."_

_Alex laughed in spite of herself. "I love your sense of adventure."_

"_I love the way you consistently tear down my sense of adventure with logic."_

"_That's why we fit together so perfectly."_

"_True," agreed Olivia. "We complement each other."_

"_We belong together."_

"_Forever."_

* * *

Alex woke up smiling and met Olivia's eyes, her own baby blues shining as she snuggled closer to Olivia. "I love you, Liv," she murmured.

Olivia smiled back, intertwining her fingers with Alex's. She had been terrified that she was going to wake up in the morning and find that this had all been a wonderful dream, and Alex was back to being unable to speak, and she was once again living in fear. But apparently regaining her voice had empowered her and she no longer seemed afraid. The transformation was sudden, but not unwelcome. "I love you, too," she said softly, planting a chaste kiss on Alex's lips.

Alex sat up, straining for more contact. "Give me a real kiss, Livvy," she said sweetly. "I haven't had one of _those _in forever."

Olivia laughed, out of both surprise and pleasure, mixed with unmistakable pride. Alex was actually _joking _with her. Alex was actually _initiating _physical contact. This was just amazing.

She obliged, leaning forward to capture Alex's lips in her own. Alex leaned into the kiss, smiling against Olivia's lips and parting her own to allow the detective access. Olivia hesitantly slipped her tongue between Alex's lips. Alex's eyes were bright with excitement, and Olivia couldn't even begin to express how happy that made her. It had been years since Alex's eyes had shone like that.

Finally, they broke apart. Alex gazed adoringly into Olivia's eyes and the detective tucked a strand of silky blonde hair behind Alex's ear. "I missed this," she said quietly.

"Me, too," whispered Alex. She wrapped her arms around Olivia. "We're okay now."

"We are." She gave Alex a squeeze. "I'm so proud of you, baby."

Alex brushed away the tears brimming in Olivia's eyes. "You're crying," she said with a wan smile.

Olivia offered her a watery smile in return. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Alex hugged Olivia tightly. "You've been here for me all this time. It's my turn to be here for you."

"Oh, Alex. I love you so much. It's just that everything that hurts you hurts me ten times more."

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	41. Chapter 41

On Monday, Olivia returned to work. She was still a bit apprehensive, but Alex was ready, and kept urging her to go back. "I'll be okay, Liv," she said with a smile. "Maybe I'll even go back to work in a bit if there's work left for me."

That absolutely stunned Olivia. "Yeah, maybe," she stammered.

Alex leaned in for a kiss. "Have a good day, Liv."

Olivia reached out to caress Alex's cheek. "You too, honey. You can call me if you need me, and Abbie has today off. If it's okay with you, she might stop by a bit later."

"That's fine. I love you."

"Love you, too."

The second Olivia left, Alex's heart began to race, but she calmed herself down. She would be fine. She could speak now. If she needed anything, she could call Olivia, and the detective would come. This wasn't about her. It was about Olivia, and about regaining some sense of normalcy in their lives. Olivia had taken nearly five months off work just for Alex. It was time for her to go back.

Instead, she called Abbie. When her friend answered the phone, she said, "Hi, Abbie, it's me. Are you doing anything important today?"

"Alex!" Abbie sounded pleasantly surprised.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's good to hear your voice."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Don't be getting all soft on me, Carmichael. I was thinking a shopping trip might be in order."

"Really?"

"We haven't done that in awhile."

"I'll be over in twenty," agreed Abbie. "Be prepared to max out Benson's credit card."

Alex laughed. "Got it. See you in twenty."

* * *

Olivia got home at 4:00 to find Alex and Abbie lounging on the couch and deciding which of their multiple purses matched the six new pairs of shoes they'd just bought. "Liv!" called Alex. "Come see what I bought."

Olivia rolled her eyes but obediently watched as Alex modeled her three new pairs of heels. "Where did you get the money for that, baby?"

Alex offered Olivia her most winsome smile. "Abbie, would you mind explaining our source of income?"

"I think I'll let you do the honors."

"We located your AmEx," said Alex sweetly.

"You used my AmEx to buy $300 worth of _shoes_?"

Alex's good humor immediately dissipated at the anger in Olivia's voice. She took a deep breath and knelt at Olivia's feet, lowering her eyes as she was still so accustomed to doing when she heard anger in someone's tone. "I'm sorry, ma'am," she murmured.

Olivia's heart constricted and she held out her hand to Alex, helping her girlfriend to her feet. "Hey, I was just kidding, baby. It's okay."

Alex flushed, nervously shuffling her feet. "Sorry. Habit. I – we can take the shoes back. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind."

"I don't mind," Olivia assured her. She pulled Alex onto her lap as her eyes met Abbie's wide, innocent brown ones. _Too _innocent. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure it wasn't _your _idea."

Alex relaxed as Olivia gently stroked her hair. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"It's okay." Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head and waggled her finger at Abbie. "I think you're trying to get Alex into trouble."

Abbie feigned innocence. "Who, me?"

Olivia laughed. "Thanks for coming over, Abbie. Now feel free to go home."

Abbie grinned. "Bye, Alex. Bye, Liv." She grabbed her shoes and hightailed it out of there.

Olivia held Alex for a few more minutes in silence. She finally said, "Sweetie, you know I would never hurt you. I will always protect you and I will never do anything to threaten you. You're safe here, Alex. You'll always be safe here." She rubbed soft circles into Alex's back. "I will never hit you and you never need to kneel. You never need to call me _ma'am_ either, honey."

"I know," said Alex shakily. "I know. I think I'm just feeling a bit . . . vulnerable . . . today." She managed a wan smile. "I guess I'm not as better as I thought."

"You are. Just sometimes we'll have a few ruts on the road, but that's okay. It's perfectly normal. And no matter how many obstacles there are, I'm always here for you, no matter what."

But minor as it was, the situation seemed to lodge itself in Alex's self-conscious, because that night for the first night in nearly a week, she had a nightmare.

* * *

_Alex was kneeling at her master's feet, her head bowed, her hair falling over her face as she waited for his instructions. She knelt for what seemed like an eternity, though her knees ached and she was trembling in fear. Finally, she dared to glance up, and shook even harder when she saw her master towering over, holding the bullwhip. He'd beaten her with it just hours before, and the angry red welts stood out against her alabaster skin. She didn't think she'd be able to take another whipping so soon._

_Her master yanked her to her feet by a clump of her hair. "Over the bed," he ordered._

_Alex's shivering intensified as she leaned over the bed, tensing as she waited for the first blow._

_The whip sliced into her back and split open a few of the tender welts. Alex bit her lip, trying to stifle her scream, but she couldn't quite manage it. He hit her again, catching her on her upper back and tearing through the skin. Alex cried and cried throughout the beating, until finally, finally she passed out from sheer pain._

* * *

Alex woke up crying and Olivia started awake immediately, taking Alex into her arms and gently massaging her shoulders. "Shh. It's okay, baby," she soothed. "It was just a dream."

Alex nodded, trying to calm herself down. "I know. I'm okay."

Olivia brushed a few strands of damp blonde hair back from Alex's forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head, but a moment later, she spoke anyway. The words were almost involuntary, and they came slowly but surely. "My Master – he used to make me kneel for him. And then – and then he would hit me. He made me bend over the bed or he would put me in my restraints and he would – he would leave me there. Or he would put – put me in the corner and make me – make me stay there and I wasn't allowed to move or else he would hit me more." She ducked her head and waited for the comfort she knew this revelation would bring. It probably wasn't anything Olivia didn't already know, but she needed reassurance right now, and this was the only way she knew to ask for it.

Olivia held her close. "I'm so sorry, baby. No one's ever going to do that to you ever again. You never have to kneel or stand in the corner and no one will ever hit you. You're safe here."

Alex knew that. She'd just needed to hear it again.

**Review if you want the next chapter!**


	42. Chapter 42

The next day, Olivia took Alex to see Dr. Olivet again. Alex was still a bit shaken up from her nightmare; although it hadn't been particularly intense, the fact that it had happened at all was disconcerting. "I love you, princess," said Olivia gently, kissing Alex's forehead. "I'll see you in an hour."

"Bye," echoed Alex as she walked into Dr. Olivet's office and curled up on the couch.

Dr. Olivet gave her a smile. "Hi, Alex."

"Hi," she said softly.

"How was your week?"

"Good."

"Tell me something you did this week."

Alex thought for a moment. "We went out for dinner."

"You and Olivia?"

Alex nodded.

"And how did that go?"

"Good."

"Was Olivia really excited that you started talking again?"

"She said she was proud of me." There was unmistakable pride in Alex's voice. "She said she loved me and that she'd missed hearing my voice."

"Are you proud of yourself?"

Alex was startled for a moment. "Liv is, so I am too."

"So are you proud of what you managed to do or are you proud of making Olivia proud?"

Alex considered. "Both." She smiled. "I want Olivia to be proud of me. I want her to love me."

"She does."

"But she'll love me even more when I'm . . . normal again. She wants me to be normal. And I want to deserve her."

"You do, Alex. Olivia loves you just the way you are."

Alex dropped her gaze. "She had a nightmare."

"What was it about?"

"Me," said Alex softly. "She kept saying, 'Not Alex. Don't touch her. Hurt me instead!'"

"That's because she loves you."

Alex nodded. "She told me that everything that hurts me hurts her ten times more. But it's my fault. I caused her so much pain."

"Did you have any nightmares?"

Alex hesitated before nodding slowly. "One."

"That's good, Alex. That's the longest you've gone without a nightmare." She paused. "Was it a bad one?"

Alex shook her head. "Only bad that it happened."

"Can you tell me what it was about?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Okay. What happened when you woke up?"

"Olivia held me," she said quietly. "She told me it was okay."

"What else?"

Alex lowered her eyes. "I told her what my Master – I mean, what _he _did to me. A bit. Olivia told me not to call him my Master because he doesn't own me and he doesn't have any control over me anymore unless I let him. She told me that I would never have to kneel or stand in the corner and no one would ever hit me again."

"How did that make you feel?"

Alex thought for a moment. "Safe."

* * *

When Olivia came to pick her up, Alex walked straight into her arms and let Olivia hold her close. "Hey, baby," she said tenderly, kissing Alex's forehead. "How you doing?"

"I'm okay," mumbled Alex, her words muffled as she buried her face in Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia stroked Alex's hair and mouthed _Thank you _to Dr. Olivet over Alex's head. "You ready to go, honey?"

Alex nodded. She clung to Olivia's hand and let the detective lead her out to the car.

Olivia offered Alex a smile and caressed her arm with her free hand as they started home. "Do you want to talk about it?" She loved being able to ask this, and knowing that Alex was able to talk if she wanted to.

"Mm." Alex rested her cheek on the windowpane. "You love me," she said softly.

Olivia's lips crinkled into a smile. "I do."

"You – last night, Liv – I –" She stopped, trying to figure out how to say it, but finally she just came out with it. "You made me feel safe. So safe. Thank you."

Olivia smiled sadly, threading her fingers through silky blonde tresses. "You are safe, Alex. You're always safe with me."

Alex nodded. "It – it was good." She took a deep breath. Part of her didn't want to say this because she knew it would hurt Olivia, but she wanted to talk. She had to let it out. "M-my Master – I mean, he – he used to tell me – he used to say you would never love me. He – he told me I was ugly and he told me that I – I wasn't good enough for you."

"Oh, baby." Olivia's eyes were full of sadness, tears welling in those deep chocolate orbs as she leaned over to kiss Alex's forehead, keeping one hand on the steering wheel as she did so. "He was _wrong_. So wrong. I do love you, and I would do anything for you. You're the most beautiful woman in the world and sometimes I don't think I'm good enough for _you_."

"I know," said Alex softly. "And you are. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes – sometimes I get scared."

"Of what, honey?"

Alex's voice was barely a whisper. "That you'll leave me."

"Baby, I'll never leave you. _Never_. Not unless you want me to, and even then, I probably won't." She gave Alex a smile and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you."

"I know. It's just – sometimes I need you to tell me. Just because sometimes – sometimes I forget and sometimes I feel like –" To her horror, she felt hot tears rushing to her eyes. "I don't know how you can love me. I'm trying to get better, but I'm _broken_."

"No, baby, you're not. You're _not_. I love you just the way you are, and I know you're trying, but it's going to take time. That's perfectly okay, and I'll be here every step of the way. I will always be here for you, no matter how long it takes. You're perfect, Alex. You're an amazing woman and you're so, so brave. I'm so proud of you, honey."

Alex swallowed and nodded. Maybe if Olivia kept telling her, she'd start to believe it.

**Review for chapter forty-three!**


	43. Chapter 43

When they got home, they went to lie down in the bedroom for awhile before dinner. No words passed between them, but none were needed. Olivia just held Alex, and it was enough.

Alex was starting to drift off, her head resting on Olivia's stomach, the detective's arms wrapped tightly around her, anchoring her. Her body jumped when she felt a low rumble vibrating against her ear.

Olivia grinned sheepishly, sitting up and causing Alex to do the same. "I guess I'm hungry." She combed her fingers lightly through Alex's hair. "I'm going to shower and then I'll make some pasta for dinner."

Alex nodded. "Okay." She yawned. "Go shower. You're all smelly!"

Olivia laughed. "I am _not_."

"Actually, you are, but that's not the point. We can have a nice, romantic evening." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Olivia laughed again, in both surprise and pleasure. "If you say so. But, Alex." Her voice turned serious. "Are you sure you're ready?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. "I am. Now go shower!"

With one last uneasy glance over her shoulder, Olivia went into the washroom and ran the water. She climbed in, allowing the warm droplets to trickle down her back, closing her eyes as she did so. She wasn't entirely sure that Alex knew what she wanted, much less than what she was ready for, but what made Olivia think she knew best? She could easily be wrong. Alex had made so much progress over the past week, but this . . . this was a step that Olivia hadn't even considered, and she didn't want to traumatize Alex further by doing something Alex wasn't ready for. Just because Alex said she was ready didn't mean she really was.

Still feeling a bit uncomfortable, she washed her hair and body before climbing out of the shower and wrapping herself up in a towel. She blow-dried her hair and pulled it into a messy ponytail, throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

As soon as she opened the bathroom door, a delicious aroma wafted toward her. It smelled like pasta. She followed her nose to find Alex in the kitchen, carrying two plates to the table. The lights were off, but Alex's face was illuminated by shimmering, vanilla-scented candles, and she smiled shyly when she saw Olivia. "I made ravioli rosé, just the way you like it."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "That was quick. I was only in the shower for ten minutes."

"Actually, you were in there for nearly an hour, but that's not the point." She set the plates on the table and grabbed two wine glasses. "Is it okay?"

"Yeah," stammered Olivia. "It's great. Thanks, baby." She pulled Alex into a hug. "This is really special."

She started to sit down, but Alex wagged a finger at her. "Uh-uh. I made you a nice dinner, complete with Merlot, and you've got to get changed."

Olivia rolled her eyes, taking in Alex's deep blue dress that brought out the blue in her eyes. She was absolutely gorgeous, and Olivia knew she'd never be able to match Alex's beauty, but she conceded nevertheless. "Yes, Your Highness. I'll go put on a dress."

Alex grinned. "Go!"

Then it occurred to Olivia – Alex was wearing a short-sleeved dress that only came down to her knees. She wasn't wearing a sweater or tights or anything. Her arms and legs were mostly bare, and she was perfectly okay with it.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex once again. "I'm so proud of you, baby," she whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Alex's temple. "And you are so, so beautiful."

Alex leaned toward Olivia, her hair tickling Olivia's cheek as she pressed her lips to Olivia's, capturing them in a breathtaking kiss. Olivia leaned into the kiss, ready to roll with this as long as Alex seemed perfectly at ease with it. If she started to get uncomfortable, they could stop, but right now Alex wanted this as much as Olivia did, and Olivia was happy to oblige.

Suddenly, Alex pulled back. She gave Olivia a light shove toward the bedroom. "This wonderful dinner I made is getting cold! Get changed."

* * *

They cleaned up together and then went to the bedroom. Alex offered Olivia a smile. "Was this okay?"

Olivia smiled back, pulling Alex close to her. "It was perfect. Like you."

Alex beamed, her hand tangling in Olivia's hair as she leaned forward for another kiss. "Mm, I love you."

"I love you, too, baby."

Alex raised a seductive eyebrow. "Do you want to love _all _of me?"

Olivia grinned, but her smile soon gave way to uncertainty. "Are you positive this is what you want, Alex?"

Alex considered for a moment. "Yeah." Her hands went to her dress and she smiled up at Olivia as she slid it over her thighs and folded it neatly on the bed. "Is this what _you _want?"

She did. Oh, God, she did. "Yeah, but that's not important."

Alex stopped for a moment and gently caressed Olivia's cheek, her eyes full of sadness. "Yeah, it is."

"No, Alex. If you're only doing this because you think I want it, then we can stop right now."

"That's not it. I want – I want to feel you. I want you to feel me. I want to be close to you again."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"No," confessed Alex. "But I think I am. And I want to try. I trust you, Olivia."

Olivia gave her a watery smile, trying not to choke up as she whispered, "Okay."

Alex smiled back and finished undressing, no longer particularly self-conscious about her scars. She was okay. She wanted Olivia, and Olivia wanted her.

Alex lay down on the bed on her back and pushed herself up onto her elbows, watching as Olivia pulled off her own clothes. She was ready and she could do this. She wanted to do this.

Her thighs clenched and moisture immediately pooled between her legs when Olivia finished and sat down beside her, tenderly caressing Alex's stomach, stroking down her thighs, then kissing a trail from her collarbone to the apex of her thighs, grinning at Alex as she stopped there. She lightly kissed the bundle of nerves between Alex's legs, then looked up, searching for a sign that Alex didn't want this but finding none. "Is this okay?"

Alex nodded, and her answering moan was clearly eager.

Olivia kissed her there again, teasingly flicking her clit and causing Alex's hips to spasm, searching for more contact. Olivia sat up again, making sure that Alex really wanted this.

"It's okay," said Alex dismissively, her hands tangling in Olivia's hair. "Please, Liv – I want you – inside me."

Olivia obliged, slowly pumping a finger inside Alex, surprised at the copious wetness she found between Alex's legs. Alex moaned, throwing her head back and bucking her hips as Olivia added another finger.

Alex closed her eyes against the sensations, riding Olivia's fingers as pleasure surged through her. "Liv – Liv, please –"

Olivia added a third finger, curling them inside Alex. The blonde smiled in ecstasy as she felt her arousal building, building, building –

* * *

_Her master had her tied to the bed as he slipped his fingers inside her, pushing, so hard, so deep. He wasn't doing this because he liked it; he was doing it because he knew she hated it. She hated how sometimes, much as it hurt, he could coax pleasure from her. She knew it was her body's reaction, not her mind's, and Olivia had explained to her how these things worked, but she was still so ashamed._

_He pumped harder as she cried, biting her lip and trying not to climax, trying not to give him what he wanted, but she couldn't quite help it as the orgasm washed over her like a wave. It wasn't pleasurable, and it hurt so much, and she was so humiliated. When her master finally released her, he stood above her wearing his trademark sneer. "I guess you enjoyed that, didn't you, my slave?"_

_She desperately shook her head, even though she should have known better._

_He laughed. "I think you want some more."_

No! _But she couldn't say the words aloud._

_As he thrust into her once more, all Alex could do was cry._

* * *

Olivia noticed the trembling of Alex's body, not in pleasure now, but in fear. She noticed the terror in Alex's eyes and the tears streaking down her cheeks, and she immediately stopped, pulling back and asking gently, "Baby, are you okay? What is it? Do you want me to stop?"

"I'm sorry," whimpered Alex, sitting up even as her body shook in fear, wrapping her arms around herself. "I'm so sorry, Livvy. I thought I wanted it. I'm sorry."

"No, baby. It's okay. I'm not disappointed or upset. I'll wait as long as it takes. You'll be ready someday and I'm not going to push you before you're comfortable." She tenderly stroked Alex's hair. "Can I hold you?"

Alex nodded and climbed into Olivia's lap, her shivering gradually abating as she felt Olivia's warm arms wrap around her. "I'm sorry. I thought –"

"I know, honey. I know. It's okay." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"My Master – I'm sorry, Liv. I meant to say – he – he used to put his fingers inside me and sometimes – sometimes I came." She began to cry again. "I didn't want to, and it hurt, but he – my body – it's like you always said – I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, Livvy!"

"Oh, baby." Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "I know. It's not your fault. I know you didn't want to. It's okay. I understand. It happens sometimes. Your body reacts, and it's a defense mechanism. It's okay." She felt terrible for listening to Alex and going along with this although she'd known even then that she shouldn't have. She'd known this would hurt Alex in the long run, and yet, she still did it. What a horrible girlfriend _she _was. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you."

"No. I told you I wanted it. I thought I did. You couldn't have known."

Olivia sighed and kissed the base of Alex's neck. "Let's cuddle for a bit."

"Okay," agreed Alex in a small voice. She snuggled close to Olivia, resting her head on the detective's shoulder and trying to rid herself of her residual fear.

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	44. Chapter 44

Olivia held Alex close as her sobs gradually subsided. She tenderly stroked Alex's hair and planted intermittent kisses on the crown of her head as Alex's body calmed, her shivering abating as she curled closer to Olivia, sticking her thumb in her mouth like she was a child. It was endearing in a way, but also sad. So sad. She gently pulled Alex's thumb away from her mouth and kissed it, smiling as Alex sighed and burrowed closer to her. "I love you, baby," she whispered, brushing away the remaining tears on Alex's cheeks. "I would do anything for you."

Content with the knowledge that she was safe and loved, Alex drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_Alex rolled over to find Olivia's side of the bed empty. "Liv?" she whispered, a bit uncertainly. "Where are you?"_

_A low chuckle startled Alex and she jumped, turning toward the door. She shrieked when she saw her master, pulling Olivia up against him and holding a gun to her head. "You scream and she dies," he growled._

_Alex's eyes were wide with fear. "Please," she begged. "Please, let her go."_

"_No," said her master, yanking Olivia closer to him. "Hit her."_

"_I can't!" wailed Alex, falling to her knees and sobbing, pleading for him to let Olivia go._

"_Fine."_

_He pulled the trigger and Olivia fell, and there was blood, so much blood, so much blood . . ._

* * *

Alex woke up screaming and thrashing around. Olivia sat up and took Alex's wrists in her own so Alex wouldn't injure either of them, and she spoke as calmly as she could. "Baby, it's okay. It's just me. I'm here. You're safe. Look at me, sweetie."

Alex's eyes flew open and she tensed, but then relaxed when she saw Olivia. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, her fear-filled eyes flickering up to meet Olivia's. "I'm trying so hard . . ."

"I know, baby. I know. It's okay. I know you're doing your best, and I'm here for you, no matter what." She tenderly rubbed Alex's back. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shook her head. She hesitated for a moment before asking the one question that had been weighing on her mind for months. "Livvy?"

"Yeah, baby?"

Alex extricated herself from Olivia's grasp and sat up so she was looking directly into Olivia's eyes. "Why?"

"Why what, Alex?"

Alex paused, trying to figure out how to voice her thought. "Why – why do you still want me? Why do you still love me? Why don't you blame me?"

Olivia understood and her heart constricted, her throat tightening at Alex's vulnerability, at her insecurity, at her fear. Alex thought she was a _perp_. "Sweetheart," she said, softly but firmly, making sure she had Alex's full attention before she continued, "You did nothing wrong. _Nothing_. I would have done absolutely the same thing."

Alex shook her head. She didn't believe Olivia; she knew the detective was only saying this to comfort her. "No, you wouldn't have." She let out a strangled sob. "You're stronger than that."

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and kissed her forehead. "You _are _strong, baby. You did what you had to do to survive, and I would have done the same thing. Do you know why?"

"Why?" Alex's voice was barely a whisper.

"Because I know it would destroy you if you lost me, just like it would have destroyed me if I'd lost you. It was a bad situation, Alex, and you did the best you could."

Alex nodded and curled up against Olivia. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"Oh, Alex." She hugged Alex more tightly to her. "You never have to worry that you did the wrong thing, princess. You're not a perp. I love you very, very much, and I don't blame you for anything."

Alex sniffled. "But every woman I killed had a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father . . . they're hurting just as much as you would be."

"Sweetheart, if you hadn't done what he told you, he would have killed you and then killed them too. It wouldn't have changed a thing, except that you would be dead."

"I should be," she murmured, so quietly that Olivia barely heard.

"No, baby. _No. _You survived, and that's all that matters. I need you here with me, Alex. I don't know what I'd have done if you didn't come home."

"But why do you love me?" she asked, begging without words for something concrete, something to hold onto.

"You're an amazing woman, Alex Cabot. You're so brave and so caring and so, so beautiful that it sometimes hurts to look at you. I love you because you're _you_, and that's all I'd ever want." She stroked Alex's hair and gave her a smile. "Never, ever think you're anything less."

Alex dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, honey. It's okay. I'm here to listen, no matter what. I'm here for you."

Alex nodded, accepting this. She hesitated for just a moment before saying, "Liv, I want to tell you something, but please don't get upset."

"You know you can tell me anything, baby. Go ahead."

"My Master told me you were dead, but I didn't give up. I tried so hard, but he made me –" She shuddered, taking a deep breath and mustering the strength to continue. "He made me hurt the others. Children, even. I knew you wouldn't want me to do that, and I refused once, but he –" She stopped, took another deep breath, and went on, "He said whatever he told me to do, if I didn't do it to them, he would do it to me. He used the bullwhip on me, and I knew – I knew that I didn't want that little girl to feel the pain I was feeling, so I said no, but then he whipped me again and he told me to kill her. He said if I didn't, he'd kill me." She began to cry again. "I'm sorry. I tried, Livvy, I really did."

"I know you did, baby," she whispered, tears welling in her own eyes at the mention of that monster using a _bullwhip _on her poor, sweet Alex. "You're so brave, honey. Not many people would have tried to protect someone else like that. That shows what a good person you are."

"But I couldn't – I couldn't help them. You would have helped them. You would have done whatever it took. But I – I couldn't." Alex buried her head in her hands. "I tried so hard . . ."

"I know you did, and that's because you're very, very brave. It's okay, baby. You didn't deserve what he did to you and you didn't do anything wrong. No one will ever hurt you again, I promise."

Alex swallowed a sob. "He – he used to c-cane me – or – or burn me – or crop me – or whip me – and – and he would m-make me kneel for him – and he – he would p-put me in the c-corner or the c-closet or – or in my – he would – he would put me in my c-cuffs or t-tie me to the bed or the chair and he always – always m-made me wear my c-collar and p-put me on his l-leash. He – he used to put me in – in the d-dungeon and t-tie me up and then – then he put on my h-helmet or he p-put me on – on the rod – and he – he let his f-friends do whatever they wanted." She burst into a fresh round of sobbing. "I'm sorry, Livvy. I didn't want to. I t-tried to fight him, b-but he was t-too strong."

This was tearing Olivia's heart out. She wanted to tell Alex to stop right now, that Alex reliving her fear was hurting Olivia even more. But she'd promised that she was there to listen, and if Alex needed to tell her this – if it might help – then that would be the worst thing for her to do. So against her better judgment, she asked, "Baby, what's the rod?"

Alex cried even harder as she answered, "He – he put it in-inside me and he m-made me stay there and it – it hurt so – so much and – and there was b-blood – so much blood!"

Olivia suddenly felt sick, so sick. She wanted to run to the washroom and throw up, feared she actually would. She needed Alex to be quiet, but Alex needed to talk, and so Olivia let her, though Alex's words pierced her heart like a knife. "Oh, baby," she murmured, pulling Alex into her arms. She hadn't known and she felt horrible for that. If she'd known, if Alex had been able to tell her, she would have been able to help Alex sooner. And now, so much pain was bubbling to the surface, and it was hurting Olivia as much as it hurt Alex. But what hurt even more was that Alex blamed herself for all of this, and Olivia didn't know how to convince her that it wasn't her fault. "You're safe with me," she promised. "I will never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you ever again. You don't ever deserve to be hurt. I love you more than anything, and nothing will ever change that. I will always protect you, baby."

Alex curled into herself, pulling away from Olivia and rocking back and forth, her slight body shaking with the force of her sobs. She didn't deserve Olivia's comfort right now. She'd upset the detective. She'd never wanted to upset Olivia.

And then Olivia was crying too. "Alex," she whispered through her tears. "Please let me hold you." She needed to be close to Alex right now. Alex's pain had affected her so profoundly that it physically hurt her heart. "I love you, baby. I want to be close to you."

Alex hesitantly rolled over so she was within Olivia's reach, and Olivia took it as consent, pulling the blonde into her arms and gently stroking her hair. She kissed Alex's forehead, for her own comfort as much as Alex's.

"I'll love you forever," she murmured. "I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my Alex you'll be."

Alex shook her head. "You can't."

"But sweetie, I _do_."

"I don't deserve you."

"Oh, baby. Baby, you do. You _do_. You deserve everything and anything you could ever want."

"I deserve – I deserve to be punished. You should – you should whip me or put me in the – in the corner. You should put on the – the helmet."

"No, honey, no. _No_. You don't deserve to be punished. Never. I will never punish you, baby." She hesitated, wondering if she really wanted to know the answer to her next question. "Sweetie, what's the helmet?"

Alex let out a strangled sob. "I can't s-see any-anything or – or h-hear anything and my – my m-master – he left me there – for – for days sometimes."

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back, then felt an immediate pang of guilt when Alex flinched at her tender touch. "Baby, what he did to you was _wrong_. I will never do any of those things to you. You never deserve to be beaten or abused or hurt in any way."

"He – he made me – he made me u-ugly!"

"You're not ugly, baby. You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman in the whole world."

"But – but my – my scars –"

"Shh, honey. Your scars make you even more beautiful than you already are. They show everyone how brave you are, how strong." She gently traced a few of Alex's scars with her fingers, feeling bad when she felt Alex tense but continuing to run her fingers over the deep marks that she now knew had been caused by a bullwhip. Her poor baby. "I will always love you, my sweet Alex. _Always_."

The fight finally drained from Alex's body and she went limp in Olivia's arms. The detective held Alex close, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair.

"Baby, nothing that he did to you was ever your fault. You're my princess and you are the most amazing woman in the entire world."

"You – you're so good to me," Alex said in wonderment, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"You deserve it, baby. You deserve to be loved."

"And you love me."

"More than anything."

**Review for chapter forty-five!**


	45. Chapter 45

**The song in this chapter is **_**If That's What It Takes **_**by Celine Dion.**

Olivia watched Alex as she fell into a fitful slumber. Alex tossed and turned in Olivia's arms, and the detective just held her, making sure she didn't injure herself with her thrashing and trying not to get sick at all the pain she now knew her beautiful, sweet, innocent Alex had suffered.

She began to sing again, softly, as she gently stroked Alex's hair.

"_You're the bravest of hearts_

_You're the strongest of souls_

_You're my light in the dark_

_You're the place I call home_

_You can say it's all right_

_But I know that you're _

_Breaking up inside_

_I see it in your eyes_

_Even you face the night_

_Afraid and alone_

_That's why I'll be there_

_When the storm rises up_

_When the shadows descend_

_Every beat of my heart_

_Every day without end_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes_

_You can sleep in my arms_

_You don't have to explain_

_When your heart's crying out_

_Baby, whisper my name_

'_Cause I've reached out for you_

_When the thunder is crashing up above_

_You've given me your love_

_When your smile like the sun_

_That shines through the pain_

_That's why I'll be there_

_When the storm rises up_

_When the shadows descend_

_Every beat of my heart_

_Every day without end_

_I will stand like a rock_

_I will bend till I break_

_Till there's no more to give_

_If that's what it takes_

_I will risk everything_

_I will fight, I will bleed_

_I will lay down my life_

_If that's what you need_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes_

_Through the wind and the rain_

_Through the smoke and the fire_

_When the fear rises up_

_When the wave's ever higher_

_I will lay down my heart_

_My body, my soul_

_I will hold on all night_

_And never let go_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes."_

Alex stirred, and Olivia was quick to soothe her, brushing her damp hair back from her forehead. "It's okay, baby. I'm here."

Alex curled into Olivia, her slight body trembling in Olivia's arms, her thumb once again creeping toward her mouth in an attempt to comfort herself physically, as a child does. Olivia tenderly rubbed her back and pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder blade. Alex carefully raised the hand that wasn't in her mouth, flexing her thumb, forefinger, and pinky and folding down her ring and middle fingers; _I love you_.

Olivia's heart skipped a beat, but she tried not to show it as she brushed away the remnants of Alex's tears. "Love you, too, baby."

Alex opened her mouth and tried to say something, but she was shaking too hard to get a single word out.

"It's okay, honey," soothed Olivia. "Don't try to speak. I've got you. I'm here, princess. I will always be here for you."

Drained, both physically and emotionally, Alex buried her head in Olivia's chest, wetting the detective's shirt with salty tears.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "It's okay, honey. You don't have to say anything."

Alex wept in complete helplessness. She wanted to say something, but she couldn't. All she could do was cry.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "I will hold on all night," she whispered, "and never let go. Every second I live, that's the promise I make. Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes."

Alex's sobs gradually quieted in Olivia's arms, and the detective sighed.

"How about I take today off and spend the day with you?"

Alex nodded into Olivia's chest, and the detective continued to stroke her hair.

"I will hold you for as long as you need me to," she promised, kissing the crown of Alex's head.

They lay there in silence for hours, Olivia holding Alex, Alex slipping in and out of consciousness, tears falling intermittently.

"L-Liv," Alex finally said, and Olivia met her eyes, holding her breath for a moment.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I – I – Liv, I –"

"Shh, baby. It's okay. Don't try to speak. Just breathe. I've got you."

Alex shook her head. "I – I'm okay."

"You are, baby. You're safe here."

"I love you," she whispered.

"Oh, baby. I love you, too."

Alex curled against Olivia, her breathing evening out, her tears subsiding.

"Honey, I'm going to call Cragen and tell him I'm going to take today off. I'll be right back."

Alex nodded, her eyes following Olivia as she left the room and dialed Captain Cragen's number.

Alex rolled onto her side and pulled her knees to her chest, waiting for Olivia to return.

A moment later, Olivia came back into the room. She sat down beside Alex on the bed and pulled Alex into her arms. "I've got today and tomorrow off if we need it."

Alex mulled over Olivia's words in her head. _We_. "Okay," she whispered.

Olivia took Alex into her arms once more and gently stroked her hair. "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me what happened to you, baby," she said quietly.

Alex buried her head in Olivia's shoulder and didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," Olivia continued, her voice breaking. She rested her head against Alex's. "I'm sorry, baby. I tried to. We looked for you for so long, Alex, but even when the captain had to put your case on hold, I never stopped looking. Hoping. Loving you."

She stopped herself before she could say the next part, knowing that Alex didn't need to hear how she'd cried herself to sleep every night, how she'd still slept on her side of the bed because she couldn't bear to sleep where Alex had once slept, how she'd bought Alex's brand of perfume and sprayed it around the apartment, how she'd fallen into a deep depression. Sure, she'd been existing, but she hadn't been _living_. Alex had been hurt so much, and she hadn't been able to stop it. It was her fault. She hadn't been able to protect the woman she loved.

Alex felt a few tears land on the crown of her head and she turned over so she was facing Olivia, gently wiping her girlfriend's eyes. "It's okay," she whispered, kissing Olivia's forehead. "Really."

"No, baby. No, it's not okay. I should have been able to protect you. That's my job, and I couldn't do it. I love you, Alex, so much."

"I know you do."

Olivia gently traced a few of Alex's scars. The blonde began to tremble in her arms, but Olivia pressed a trail of reverent kisses to the scars, then smiled up at Alex. "You're beautiful, Alex. So beautiful."

Alex tried to relax in Olivia's arms and ran a hand through her hair. "So are you."

Before she knew it, Olivia was crying too. Alex was being so good to her, and she didn't blame her at all, when really it was all her fault. "I'm sorry," she repeated, trying not to show Alex how upset she was.

"Don't cry, Liv," said Alex, kissing away her tears. "I'm okay now. You're here with me, and you always make it better."

Olivia wished she could see herself the way Alex saw her. "Oh, baby. You've been hurt so much, and still you see the good in people." She hugged Alex tighter. "You're amazing."

Alex caressed Olivia's cheek. "Please, Liv, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either, princess, no matter what."

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia. "I love you."

Olivia smiled and brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "Hey, I have an idea if you're up for it."

Alex eyes held her question, and Olivia understood.

"Today's Wednesday, so I have today and tomorrow off, and I'm sure I could get Friday off too. I forgot to tell you, but your parents invited us up to the Hamptons. We could take a few days at your parent's place."

Alex thought about it, considering Olivia's suggestion. It might be nice to get away for a few days, and to see her parents. She was actually lucky that her parents were so fond of Olivia, so much so that they would invite her up to the Hamptons with no hesitation. "Okay," she finally agreed.

"Are you sure, baby? We don't have to if you don't want to."

Alex shook her head. "I want to."

"Do you want to call them or should I?"

"I will."

Olivia smiled at her. "Great. Have you spoken to them over the past week?"

Alex shook her head.

"They're going to be so happy to hear your voice, just like I am."

Alex smiled.

**Review for chapter forty-six!**


	46. Chapter 46

The next morning, Alex and Olivia arrived at the Cabots' house . . . which was really more of a mansion than a house, as Olivia continuously pointed out. The house overlooked the beach, and Alex had vacationed here every summer when she was a child. Now, this was her parents' only home, because they were retired and disliked the city.

Both of Alex's parents came outside to greet them. Her mother wrapped her arms around Alex and kissed her cheek before doing the same for Olivia. "I'm so glad you could come," she said.

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. Mrs. Cabot wasn't partial to strong displays of affection, but something seemed to have changed, probably the fact that in the months she hadn't seen her daughter, so much suffering had befallen her.

"Thanks for inviting us," replied Olivia, shouldering Alex's bag along with her own.

"Here, let me take that," said Alex's father, taking one of the bags from Olivia. "We're supposed to have a beautiful weekend. We can go to the beach now if the two of you want to." Seeing Alex's hesitance, he added, "Or you can settle in first."

Olivia took Alex's hand and followed the Cabots up the driveway toward the house. "Baby," she said quietly. "We don't have to go to the beach if you don't want to, and if you're not comfortable, you don't have to wear your bathing suit. But you have nothing to be ashamed of, Alex. You're beautiful."

Alex dropped her gaze. "Everyone will stare," she murmured.

"Honey, if they're staring, that's only because they see how beautiful are, and they wish they could be that beautiful too. But if you prefer, you can keep on a sweatshirt. Okay?"

Alex nodded, holding tight to Olivia's hand as she followed the detective to her bedroom, where they stayed when they came to visit.

"Should we unpack?" she asked.

Alex nodded and started to take the clothes she'd meticulously folded from their bags and put them in her drawers.

Mr. Cabot came up to their bedroom a moment later. "Your mother and I are going out to the beach. Do you guys want to come?"

Olivia deferred to Alex, who slowly nodded. "Okay," she answered. "Give us five minutes."

"We're making daiquiris. Do either of you want one?"

Alex's words stuck in her throat around her father. She only really felt comfortable talking to Olivia right now, but Olivia had told her that it was perfectly all right, and it would get better in time. So she just nodded and let Olivia translate.

"Yes, please. For both of us."

Her father smiled. "Okay."

When Mr. Cabot went back downstairs, Olivia rummaged around for the SPF-60 sunscreen that Alex had packed and held it up triumphantly when she found it. "Do you want a sweatshirt or a t-shirt, baby?"

"Sweatshirt," Alex whispered.

"Okay, honey. Then I really only need to do your face and neck." She poured some sunscreen onto her hands and rubbed it on Alex's neck for her, then did her face. "I think you're good."

"I can do your back," offered Alex.

Olivia shrugged. "You're the one with fair skin. I think I'll live without." She changed into a swimsuit and grabbed them two beach towels. "Are you ready, honey?"

Alex's eyes betrayed her anxiety, but she nodded anyway, clutching Olivia's hand like a lifeline as the detective led her downstairs.

Her mother handed Alex and Olivia each a strawberry daiquiri. "Are you ready to go?"

Olivia nodded. "We're good."

"Are you sure you're going out like that, Alex? You're going to be way too hot."

Alex leaned closer to Olivia and didn't answer, gripping the detective's hand even more tightly.

Olivia saw something pass across Mrs. Cabot's face, sadness maybe, that Olivia was the one protecting and taking care of her daughter instead of herself. She wrapped one of the towels around her waist and repeated, "We're good."

Alex took a sip of her daiquiri and silently followed Olivia and her parents outside. Olivia helped Mr. Cabot set up their beach chairs and umbrella, then laid out her towel beside Alex's.

"You okay, baby?" she asked, quietly enough that only Alex could hear her.

Alex nodded, lying down on her towel and propping herself up on one elbow, transfixed by the rollicking waves dancing along the shore. She'd always loved the water, and it was calming, in a way.

Olivia lay down beside her and took Alex into her arms, not even caring about their audience. Although the Cabot lived within fifty square miles of conservative yuppies, Olivia knew they had nothing to be ashamed of. "I'm so proud of you baby," she whispered in Alex's ear.

Alex rolled over to face her, and her smile did for Olivia what rain does for the desert. Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair, and they lay there, basking in the warmth of the sun as well as the warmth of each other's presence.

**Review if you want to know what happens in the next chapter!**


	47. Chapter 47

They hung out on the beach until sunset, sipping cocktails and just relaxing. Alex didn't want to swim and Olivia didn't push her. Being near the water calmed Alex, and she was enjoying being here. All that existed was her, Olivia, and the beach, and that was all she needed.

Finally the air began to cool and Olivia said that it was probably time to go back inside. Alex didn't really want to, but she followed Olivia anyway. Catching the look of disappointment flitting across Alex's features, she smiled and said, "Don't worry, baby. We can come back tomorrow."

"Okay," agreed Alex softly.

* * *

They went back to the beach the next morning, too. "Do you want to come closer to the water?" asked Olivia, taking Alex's hand and leading her a bit further out. "We can wade in a bit."

Alex hesitated. "I don't want to get my clothes wet."

Olivia laughed. "It's okay, baby. We've got some more in the house. Come on."

Alex pulled off her sandals and cautiously dipped a toe in the water. The sand on her feet felt . . . nice. She looked up at Olivia, who gave her an encouraging nod, and smiled. "It's nice."

"Come in a bit further," suggested Olivia.

Alex submerged her feet, a third of the way to her knees, then bit her lip. "I don't know . . ."

"It's okay. I've got you."

Alex nodded. She'd always loved the water, and she did want to do this. She followed Olivia a couple more feet from the shore, immersing herself in water nearly to her knees before smiling up at her girlfriend.

Olivia lightly squeezed Alex's shoulder. "I'm so proud of you, baby."

Alex waded out a little further, past her knees, and then Olivia felt a tight compression on her hand. Alex slipped on a rock and fell in the water, breaking her fall with her arms and immersing herself halfway past her stomach.

"Are you okay?" asked Olivia in concern, helping Alex to her feet.

But Alex's face spread into a smile. Beaming, she threw her head back and soaked her hair in the water, pulling Olivia down with her. They both sat in the water, Olivia in her bathing suit and Alex fully clothed, staring into each other's eyes. "I love the water," whispered Alex in amazement. Then she started to laugh, splashing water toward Olivia.

Olivia laughed too, lightly splashing Alex back, then pulling the blonde to her. "Love you so much," she murmured, brushing her lips against Alex's wet forehead.

Alex smiled. "Love you, too." And as Olivia leaned in to give her another kiss, Alex ducked her head underwater and splashed Olivia, getting the detective's face all wet.

Olivia spluttered, then grinned. "You little –" She pulled Alex onto her lap and began to tickle her, leaving Alex giggling helplessly.

"Okay, okay! You win."

Olivia laughed, kissing Alex's forehead. "I never thought I'd hear those words coming from you."

Alex smiled blissfully and leaned against Olivia, resting her head on the detective's shoulder. "Livvy," she said sweetly. "I can't move."

Olivia laughed again. "Of course you can't. You're all wet! You're probably thirty pounds heavier."

"I think you're exaggerating." She offered Olivia her most winsome smile and held out her arms. "Will you carry me?"

She knew Olivia could never say no when she turned on the charm, and sure enough, Olivia heaved a theatrical sigh before lifting Alex into her arms and carrying her, dripping wet clothes and all, back toward the beach. Alex wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia's neck and smiled to herself as the detective set her on the beach towel. "Let's go inside, baby, and get you out of these soaking wet clothes."

Alex smiled contentedly. "Okay."

They went inside and changed into different clothes before returning to the beach. They didn't go near the water, just lay down on their towels and held each other.

It was the best day Alex had had in what seemed like forever.

* * *

The next morning, Olivia awoke before Alex. She went into the kitchen and made herself a cup of coffee and a cup of tea for Alex. She sat reading the newspaper and sipping her coffee, waiting for Alex to wake up.

She did a double take when she heard footsteps approaching and turned to find Alex standing behind her, clad in her red bathing suit and carrying a towel. She looked a bit apprehensive, but her voice didn't waver as she said, "Liv, let's go swimming."

And Olivia knew they were going to be okay.

**Review if you liked this story!**


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